Is Marriage God's Idea of a Practical Joke on Humans?

Hi Ziddhi, A French novelist, Francoise Sagan said this in a interview:

Interviewer: Then have you found the freedom you've wanted?
Sagan: Yes...I was obviously less free when I was in love with someone...but one's not in love all the time. Apart form that, I'm free.

She's admitting that love, (we can say marriage) severely limits and restricts our personal freedom and she's right. We become vulnerable in marriage. Though that's scary at first, it can be a good thing. In, fact I believe that's the best thing. Because what's the other alternative? - A life of hedonism. A life full of hobbies, luxuries, and self-absorption. Such a life makes one selfish and vain. Granted that except God, everybody will at some point let us down and break our heart. The horror stories are very true. But they aren't as bad as not having loved at all because that's the worse thing.

You might say, "but do the horror stories not intimidate you to death so that you don't want to consider marriage...aren't you afraid and clueless?" I'll be very honest and say, oh yes they do- from time to time. Not just marriage horror stories but work horror stories, parenting horror stories, car accident horror stories.....there's horror stories is every avenue of life. But we get through everything by God's grace, don't we? Don't let fear get the best of you because who knows, your best in life could be waiting for you in the form of a wonderful husband and marriage.

Here's a quote by C.S Lewis that I fall back on when I'm faced with dismal thoughts about love/marriage/commitment:

"Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. Wrap it carefully with hobbies and little luxuries; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe,dark,motionless, airless-it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or least to the risk of tragedy is, damnation."

I love that last sentence. If our parents did not step out and give us their hearts, would we be who we are today? Its because they gave themselves away that we found ourselves. I'm sure you give your Dad joy like nothing else in the world does. You see, by giving his heart away he only multiplied his joy.........never be afraid to lose yourself because when you do, you find yourself in that person you love.


My few thoughts, forgive me if I offended you in anything I've said.

 

Hey again girl,

First of all, warm e-hugs to you. I'm sorry about your pain. :-( .......I just don't know what to say.......can I just say, I love you and I understand you, sis?

I understand. I can see that he cares deeply about your future, he just wants you to be happy- every good Daddy wants his little princess to be loved, cherished, and embraced not only in his house but also (and more so) in her in-laws' house. He deeply loves you, Ziddhi and some Dads might express love in unpalatable ways but its love, nonetheless.


Now the main issue..

Growing up, I had a very hard time understanding my father. My parents' marriage wasn't the model Christian marriage that I always dreamt of having. So guess what I did? Yep, I started to resent the idea of marriage itself. I harbored bitter feelings towards my father through my teenage years. He never abused me or hurt me ever. It was his insensitivity towards my mother's feelings that made me resent men in general. I could not have asked for a better daddy and I KNEW that but still, something was wrong. You know where I found the wrong was? In me. Not in marriage. Not in my Dad. But in me. Its okay to have ideals for marriage but its not okay to stake your life and joy on them so much so that it hurts emotionally and physically. I had to be convicted and surrender to God and let Him heal my scarred heart. Now after all that do I say, "I can't WAIT to get married!", no. My affections have been shifted. In the process of healing my heart, God helped me fall in love with Him. God helped me see what a wonderful husband He makes. (no earthly guy can ever come close) So I've stopped having dreamy expectations because my void has been filled. Therefore, I am not afraid of marriage anymore and whenever God brings the right guy, I'm ready. I know that as a wife, things won't be great all the time, but my Heavenly Husband will get me through. Unscathed, untainted, I'll always be His lover and beloved. I can't ask for more, neither can I complain for what I get.

You know from my "Who is that guy (hello creeper)" thread how much I dream of the ideal husband. I think the reason why I developed so many high expectations from marriage is because I saw how poor reality is. I thought that by having
the right expectations, I could choose the right guy! Logical, right? I want such and such and such so, I'll look for such and such and such and I'll dream of such and such. But all that did was left me dreaming. It did not solve my root problem. It did alleviate my loneliness (which was another smaller problem) but it did nothing to transform me. Transformation, for me, came from reading God's Word and seeing how glorious He is. And just knowing that God loves me, is transformatory. It's a long process and I'm certainly not there yet. But I'm learning to love God before I fall in love and give myself to a man. Its so good, that I feel like I might get lost in this and never get married :rotfl

The creeper is dying. I don't see him as often anymore. And I resent him more than ever before. I know that my marriage will have plenty of problems (because me and my future husband are sinners). Will I get angry, upset, sad, tired, cheated, depressed? I expect so. But those things do nothing to mar my identity and joy- because I know who my Eternal Husband is and how much He loves me. Couple years ago, as a teenager if you heard me I would be saying all sort of nasty things about marriage and I still do (lol)....but its getting better. Just recently I posted a blog on how marriages decay into partnerships. There's an ugly thought. But it didn't end there. I went to God and told him how I felt until He made me understand. All is well. So you saw only half the picture, the other more important half was me crying in prayer asking God to heal my heart....and getting healed.

Ziddhi, for me, marriage was about expectations. For you it seems like its about acceptance, closure. I don't even know. But God is not far. Neither is healing. You don't to give cave in because society expects it, or because family says so- do it because (and when) you know everything will be okay. Do it in poise and elegance, like a true Queen

Tc,
forgiven

P.S: Again, please forgive me if I've say anything to offend you, I certainly didn't intend to.

 

hai Z,

All the best. Being an infant do not worry.GOD will be always with everyone that too with the infant.Proceed go ahead and welcome your marriage thoughts and accept.
I am able to sense your feelings from the below mentioned writeup of yours.pls do share it with us immediately if anybody popped or peeped in your marriage way.

So, I'm going to go ahead and take baby steps. I'm really scared, and as a matter of fact, because of this irrational fear (no matter how many times I am telling myself I will have my own bank account, prenup, etc), I was all tears yesterday, and my father lost sleep over my agony.

My dad won't push me to do anything I don't want, but I don't want to be scared of anything. Period.

 

Z4, I went back and forth several times on writing a comment to your post here. One, I didn't want to sermonize, two, I'd hate to push any buttons that I didn't know existed by writing something, and lastly, I wasn't necessarily going to say something that has never been said before. At the risk of doing all three, here goes:

Don't be fearful or apprehensive about marriages. It can be, and is possibly the most amazing closeness you'll ever share with another human being on all too many levels - intellectual, emotional, spiritual to name a few.

Sure, there aren't any magic potions (BTW, if someone knows of one, please contact me), but if you take your time in making the BIG decision, truly explore and think about what and who you are and want to be like in the future with ruthless honesty, be open to looking at the world with another pair of eyes and then not let your own world fall apart because it doesn't look the same as it does when you look at it yourself, there's a good chance it will work out OK.

I can't even begin to articulate how that deep a connection with someone transforms your life. You have got to experience the sheer intensity of living every day with someone that has touched the center of your Universe and is out there for you regardless of everything, who'll stand with you in the center of the metaphorical fire and not shrivel, or touch your deepest sorrows and not shrink away from the pain. Sure, there are bad days and the good days, but its all worth it. Practically, a lot of what I said will sound like the words of a misty old romantic, but that's what its like and much better; and while we often hear of painful or hurtful stories in marriages, few people speak about how deeply fulfilling a connection like that can be too in spite of the pain and all that comes with it at times.

Also, don't be afraid of how brides are treated in Indian cultures and so on. You of all people would know there are all sorts of people, and all sorts of values in different families. Know what you can and cannot accept or do, and stick to it, don't lose yourself in trying to please everyone, or don't turn your marriage into your sole identity, IYKWIM. I don't wish to fall into platitudes, but I think you get the idea.

Some of that fear and being scared is good and natural, but don't let it overwhelm you. Just trust yourself as you are in this moment, you'll know what to do when you need it.

Give yourself all the time in the world you want before you make your big decision, and don't do it until you're not ready, instincts and gut feelings and all. I wish all the very best for you!

 

Hi Z4,

I fully empathize with your fears and uncertainties. In fact having gone through all that myself, I do not feel in a position to tell you not to have any fears. Fears to a certain extent help us be careful of our steps. But excessive fears can be paralyzing, which is the last thing you want to happen to you. Take all necessary steps towards diligence. Beyond that, every thing is in the hands of the one above and he'll guide you.

I am glad that you do not have unrealistically high expectations of marriage. You are not looking at it with rose tinted glasses. But don't go to the other extreme either. It may not be so bad after all. The reality lies somewhere in between. Just follow your gut instincts when sussing out an eligible prospective.

More than this I really don't know what to say dear (though I have now been married for 15 years ) because there is no "A" magic solution for this. Take your time. Don't rush.

Now wishing you all the best and hope things go well for you. :thumbsup