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Is Marriage A Set Back For The Career Of A Working Woman?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SGBV, Nov 7, 2018.

  1. sneha1985

    sneha1985 Gold IL'ite

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    I do agree to everything you listed in this and also to other's comments. Me and my friends discuss the same topic somedays and do agree that an individual should be allowed to make a choice about their career post marriage and shouldn't be dictated by their in-laws. And it's important for every individual whether be it a working guy or gal to keep a healthy balance between career and home responsibilities.

    I see women in west have their career even after having to take care of 5 kids at home. Their daily chores gets divided between them and their husband. I have came across examples of woman going for higher education/PhD's even in their 40's and 50's. Yes life is somewhat easier in US compared to India, but main thing to learn is how they balance everything.

    One of my best friends in India became CA. She got so much into studies to clear the exams that she fell sick during exams, but didn't stop and cleared it. Later she fell in love with a guy and he supported her to work initially. However after marriage, her in-laws denied her for working. Whenever we meet, she cries that she is not getting to live her dreams.

    Another friend also did CA, got married into a super big joint family. Got freedom to work, but she says she has to work and then come home and take care of her big family. She doesn't even get a chance to talk to her own parents even once a week.

    Growing up I always wanted to become an engineer and my parents were not in a financial condition where me and my bro both could study engineering. My dad being the only earning member in the family, he could either pay for his fees or mine. He started working on 3 jobs everyday (from 8am-10pm) except Sunday, so I could achieve my dreams. Later I wanted to come to US and do masters here. He said he cannot afford that due to high fees and I did see tears in his eyes since he cannot help me with this dream of mine. I myself worked for 3 years, saved the money to achieve my dream. Even though I have the potential to handle both house and work and I have been doing it for years now living alone, guy I was going to get married to here in US wanted me to give up my career as being a woman I have to support his joint family with cooking and taking care of their houses while he works on his dream job.

    I have seen woman sitting with babies in class since they want to study and move ahead in life. So after coming across such examples, I do believe that we too can make it work.
     
    SGBV likes this.
  2. nandinimithun

    nandinimithun IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear @SGBV
    Thats one beautiful and thought provoking post, that you have written.

    Both before and after marriage i have worked, however things and situations were entirely different.

    Before marriage, never thought of entering the kitchen even to boil a cup of water, after marriage i started to cook, and i enjoyed it, my husband equally helped me, making sure i wasn’t burdened at anytime.

    Currently, i am a stay at home multi tasking things with my two little girls.
    Yes, its not easy.... though many feel that its an easy thing to sit at home and be a stay at home mom, it has its own difficulties too, like other jobs....

    Career women or stay at home, i feel the most important thing is confidence and mental strength, Yes life isnt going to be fair, everyone will have their share of struggles, but the attitude and way we deal with it makes a workd of difference.

    I guess its like the grass on the other side is lush green, i may feel a working woman is lucky and vice versa.
     
    SGBV likes this.
  3. Samantha111

    Samantha111 Senior IL'ite

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    You are so right there.I feel that one has to be strong and determined and should make sure that after marriage ..your career doesn't take a back seat. But I feel people like me who was do I g so well in my career just gave up and sacrificed everything for my husband. I had no choice coz we moved to a new country..I was staying with someone who was very manipulative....who was always finding faults in me...He tried to bring my co fidwnce really low and with the kid it got really difficult coz there was a lot of pressure at work plus household chores...I gave up and I regret it ..I wish I had known a way to make the situation better...but as they say..better late than never..I am giving another shot to life and looking for a job and hopefully will get one soon ,:)
     
    SGBV likes this.
  4. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    I think I've got ur priorities in order and making good use of your maternity break..
    Yes I agree it's not just about how much the husband is earning but what the husband and wife decide together regarding household and child care..if both are ok with the wife taking a short or even a long break then it's fine..it's about the extra income versus the difficulty and guilt of leaving the baby in a daycare or alone with a nanny..
    I also learnt from experience that a nursing mom needs to be relaxed and take care of her food and diet to feed the baby well and this helps the baby in the long run..
    And you have previous work experience so resuming work in another one year may be possible.
     
  5. salad

    salad Gold IL'ite

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    Its all depends on your situation and priorities. At times you don't have much choice.

    My dh have a transferable job and we prefer to stay together. So every time he gets transfer I need to start from scratch again. Then after having baby with gods grace I got work from home. Career always gives me more confidence and financial independence.

    My point is even due to some reason you have to take break from career try to get back as soon as possible. Else plan your break well so you have valid reasons. Make sure you got meaningful break. Never give a chance to regret later you wasted your years.
     
  6. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    marriage is not a set back for career woman. Getting a wrong partner is.

    look for Indira Nooya Ceo of coke. She openly says she would not be successful if it was not because of H support.
     
    SGBV, sneha1985 and salad like this.
  7. salad

    salad Gold IL'ite

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    There is a saying
    If you get marred to correct partner your life is complete else finished !!

    So if you got wrong partner its not just career but the mental peace itself will be over!!
     
  8. amritavarshini

    amritavarshini Bronze IL'ite

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    Chiming in with a few thoughts...I was doing my PhD before marriage and as soon as my first baby was born I decided to quit for personal reasons...after a long gap of 5 years I went back to research and in between my second one was born..I'm yet to submit my thesis and it's a very hard time in fact with two kids around and an extremely busy husband...but a blessing I have is that my parents stay quite nearby and extend good support...i have been thinking a lot of career options after PhD these days but I'm not sure whether I should opt for a full time conventional career..already I'm not able to do any justice to my children because of my hectic schedule..I hope to find a career that can allow me some leisure too..I'm not sure whether I should depend on my spouse entirely for finance...for me self sufficiency is important but it's not restricted to money alone...marr marr isn't a setback but it all depends a lot on how you handle things, support systems especially husband.. striking a balance is very important.. ultimately we should not feel that we have not been able to give our children what they wanted...
     
  9. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    You have a dream life. You also have a husband making 3x. He is likely clever enough to produce whatever he wants if he sets his mind to it. ;) Congratulations, and best wishes for continued happiness.
     
  10. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Thank you everyone for making this as an interesting discussion with your valuable inputs based on your personal experience.
    I am very sorry for not being able to respond to you on time, as I am bit busy these days.

    I found a few interesting arguments in this thread. Let me share my view points on them.

    1- Taking a career break is different from quitting it altogether. Taking a career break itself is a sign that you have the power and authority to make a decision about your life as and when you want it.
    Many career women have been on sabbatical at least once in their life, and that in fact helped them to refuel their professional life. Handling family along with a responsible career obviously needs some breaks too. And women (and men too) deserves this break.
    However, quitting it depends on various factors.
    Some women do not really love their career, so quitting it after children when there is stable income plus savings/investment is a good choice for them. Many women like to stay at home too. It is a great choice too.
    However, if they love their career as part of their life and identity, quitting is not really easy. No matter what.... Ambani's wife and Trump's DD have enough in their banks, yet they love to have a career for themselves too.

    2. Having a supportive life partner is the most important, and biggest reason behind a career woman's happy and peaceful life. In fact, I am lucky in that aspect.
    Some women like @Jazmine83 are also very lucky as they could find their prince charm second time around though their first marriage was a disaster.
    One of my best friend had a very egoistic husband, whom ruined not only her career, but also her life to a great extend. But she was courageous to walk out of that terrible marriage after a while. Now that, she is remarried, and leading a great life, including a successful career. Her understanding second husband is behind her success.
    Yet, she still believes, her career was the prime reason for her to walk out of that bad marriage despite of all the odds. Had she been staying at home, she would have thought a lot about herself and the kid before making such a big decision. Besides, she had found a companion the second time around at her work place, who gave her all the courage to walk out.
    Many women are stuck inside 4 walls, and completely cut off from their supportive world, to depend on their heartless husbands for everything. After a point, they would lose hope in everything, and submit themselves as slaves to their husbands forever.
    A career not only gives you money and confidence, but also a supportive second home (your work place and colleagues) to count on

    3. Our choices matters the most here. Given the fact that we Asians place a lot of burdens on women's shoulder when it comes to family, we women need to be wiser before we make choices such as education and career.
    I have many friends who are at the edge of their Phds without a career record.
    They start their doctorate, and get married half way through, and struggle a lot to complete it in the nest few years with children. After completing a Phd, you cant start a senior level job with zero to minimum work experience. At the same time, you can't expect a simple/flexible job for a Phd level qualification. On the other hand, your profile won't let you to compromise on a junior or less important positions either.
    In one hand, you seriously need to invest a lot of time, in gaining experience to get a professional position as per your qualification. On the other hand, your family doesn't allow you to spend so much time outside of your home for all this.

    I have started my career at the age of 24 after completing my masters and a special PG at a Junior level in my office. Within a year, I've been promoted for the middle level, and that's where I had to take my sabbatical due to kids (family responsibility). After which I had to move to a more flexible job to make sure the transition works well at both ends. I used this time to read my Phd, which I am still continuing.....
    Once a strong support system established at home front, I decided to give my career a shot, and found this senior level position. I am 36, and with God's grace I enjoy both the worlds. There are so many women, who are like me.
     
    Samantha111 and sneha1985 like this.

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