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Is It Wrong For Wife To Want To Keep 100% Earnings After Marriage

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by ChennaiExpress, Dec 25, 2016.

  1. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    Is it wrong for wife to keep 100% of her earnings after marriage?

    If you read my previous posts I was married to abusive, unfaithful person who mooches off of me. Unfortunately our culture says male = God, even if he is lazy and good for nothing.

    Yesterday things were slow at work. I opened up to three make co-workers and expressed I would want to keep 100% of earnings, man should take care of everything.

    Two of them were little upset, even tried laughing it off, but one person got upset and started attaching me personally, saying I am selfish.

    When I joked I am a Queen to be pampered (because thus guy was really fired up) he says no, you are a Princess.


    I don't understand. In USA itself women are cheated, abused, made fool of in relationships and no one seems upset. As soon as I say I wish to keep my earnings and the man should handle the money things I ruffle feathers (well one persons feathers).

    I tried to diffuse the situation by saying nowadays there are lot of males who are moochers hence my viewpoint. But this coworker starting telling me I look like someone who would be cheated but he would never cheat me. Then he asked me if I am sensitive and cry a lot!

    Later on I told one of the other mellow coworker I hope he wasn't upset, it just that I've had bad experience in past. He knew I was married before, and he can connect the dots I had bad marriage. I then said marriage is like a dance, one person has one view and another person has another view. eventually they find win-win situation. Then I wished him Merry Christmas. This coworker and his wife have joint bank account, been married 30+ years, 4 daughters, 2 dogs, and he takes care of and protects his family (especially from his snotty older sister who dont like his wife)

    When I got home I emailed the male coworker who got upset and wished him and family a very Merry Christmas. I then said he and all other are great coworkers and I felt comfortable to open up. And hope he is ok I expressed my viewpoint.

    He replied that I also should have Merry Christmas.

    My mistake .... I should not have opened my big mouth. This coworker who got upset is fighting a battle and I touched a nerve (my age, puppy love marriage at 18, wife divorced him, doesn't allow him in the house and lives with her b/f who was their mutual friend years before, has special needs adult daughter, is engaged to someone else but not too thrilled about it, future Inlaws dont like him, they don't think he treat their daughter like a Queen/Princess).

    This coworker and I had great rapport to the extent I had to start reminding him of his fiancée and even asked what is her name. I even sold some of my paintings (I asked for little money, and he paid some and he says he will pay balance at next payday, but if he pays I will refuse the money and tell him give to his dear daughter ... take her to nice place for holidays).


    I am upset about this for several reasons

    - at 18 I would have been happy to marry this guy. He's educated, nice, handsome (looks like he could be someone from our family friends back in India ... he's from South America)and no matter what hardship our marriage faced I would have fought to keep him. And I would have HAPPILY shared my in income with him, No divorce business. At the very least I would do a public service to keep him so he doesn't annoy another lady (this coworker gets annoying at times. but I'm chill)

    - I hope I have decent working relationship with this coworker.... just not too chummy chummy because he is engaged for God's sakes!

    - I hope to have decent working relationship with all my coworkers

    - people label me as dumb, especially in India. Only job I could fit in was civil service. I wish to break out of barriers and be productive and do great things (to be prettier and smarter than Ivanka Trump) and really make a difference in this world. instead of working I joined in their conversation. I know, I know it's Holidays and lot of people were lax anyway but still.

    - I don't know what normal healthy marriage looks like. I know in old days (in USA, etc) it's 50-50 but men stopped taking care of their families and women had to go out if house and work. But there are cunning men who take advantage of woman's natural softness, pretend they love them and treat them as cash cow and they don't pull their weight.


    I'm 37 and I must be sounding like a child. But this has been bothering me all day. I wish to clear my head of this.
     
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  2. pocahontas

    pocahontas Gold IL'ite

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    @ChennaiExpress ,

    From this post of yours and others, I understand you have had bad experiences earlier (and that is underplaying it!). But why are you letting all this embitter you?

    Now, coming to your premise - you should be allowed to keep all your earnings and your next husband should take care of you like in good old days, only because you met and married one jerk earlier. Do you see the flaw in your argument? Are you prepared for the other things, that happened in the good old days? Where is the partnership in this marriage that you are proposing? Marriage is not all about money, but basically you have written off this man (and others) as potential cheats. In a way, you also come across as a potential moocher on the basis of this conversation.

    For all that you know - you will meet 'the guy' (good looks, personality, job, sense of humor, bank balance and above all genuine - whatever it is that you dig). Now, this guy shouldn't have to pay for what your ex did to you. I am sure you are prepared for the worst from people - but are you really prepared for a 'gooey' fairy tale ending that you were (at one point in time) dreaming of?
     
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2016
  3. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    Well there should be 50-50 partnership in marriage ... ok now I see how my statement came across .... that's why I had to clarify why I said sat I did.

    I'm still working to get over the bitterness ... practicing Anapana, reciting Gayatri Mantra, So Purkh shabad a day other prayers throughout the day.

    I wish I can snap my fingers and everything will be ok .... thank you for pointing out flaw in my argument ..... perhaps one day I will be ready for happily ever after as I once was ....
     
  4. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, To each person their own. You are justified in your argument of men being provider based on past experiences. Your colleagues maybe justified in their argument of women contributing. Either way you both are right in your own way.Next time you need to express it when there are mixed audience. Meaning both men and women. You shud have somebody on your side. Expressing it to entirely male group maybe a wrong thing to do.

    Contribution wise in marriage., it has be decided b/n husband and wife. Sometimes, it can be 50/50 or variable . But deciding and doing seldom works. It all depends on how each couple are comfortable with each other.Hopefully next time, you will be having good luck.Good Luck.
     
  5. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    thank you Dear. Unless it's true love I will not marry and I will certainly not share my earnings.

    of course the marriage if Benjami. Disraeli is interesting. He was shrewd, ambitious, had favor of the Queen. he married a woman 12 years his senior who had lots of money, and she got him out if debt. They were mismatched couple, yet marriage was bliss.

    Mary Anne Disraeli - Wikipedia
     
  6. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    This coworker is divorced, has adult child (who he is happy he don't have to pay child support for much longer) is engaged to someone else who has child from previous relationship.

    This coworker is very chummy with me, trying to know my marital status, etc. I ended up saying I had rough times and left it at that.

    he once told someone that his fiancé continually pressured him for marriage (they were girlfriend and boyfriend 5 years after his divorce) and he finally and reluctantly gave in.

    To me it seems he is doing this for money, i.e. extra income a wife will bring.

    And it seems he was chummy with me to see if I am interested in him so he can ditch his fiancée for me because he thinks I will fork over half my income, which is much more than what he will get from his fiancée.

    I will happily give over half my income (and even my life for that matter) to done one I deem worthy.

    this coworker who threw a tantrum is not worthy of me, even if he was available... I see too many behaviors of his that makes me HAPPY to be single!
     
  7. pinkRoseBud

    pinkRoseBud Gold IL'ite

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    Apologing beforehand as I know I will sound rude, but my intention is just to know.
    Don't you think you're judging other people a lot here? IMO you will be happier when you stop judging others and leave the fear of getting judged.
    Again, sorry if it hurts you. Peace:)
     
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  8. methicura

    methicura New IL'ite

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    hi Chennai Express, you have to be shrewd and prudent in money matters. from yr post yr husband is an unreliable character. so keep all yr earnings to yourself. it will shelter you on bad and good days. no one is going to lift a finger and help you when you have no money .people may label you as haughty . proud ... ignore as ont one of these labelling fellows shall offer you any respect/dignity when you are penniless.
     
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  9. pocahontas

    pocahontas Gold IL'ite

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    @ChennaiExpress - I hope what I am writing here doesn't offend you. In that hope, I am asking you not to keep seeing if everyone around has some hidden agenda. This will be a never ending cycle - guilty until proven otherwise.
    There is no asking of giving your income, or part of it - when you (or anyone) and your (their) significant other (partner/husband) are living together, there will be the basic living expenses to think of. Also entertainment/ lifestyle or other discretionary expenses. I think, both should be contributing to this if both are earning, at least in some part (need not be 50-50) or as decided mutually. Not just monetarily, but also time and efforts - this is a way of showing commitment to each other.

    Coming to the next topic - I don't know how recent your marital troubles have been. It could be recent, but if it has been 2-3 years plus - it is time to let go. Get a makeover done - a haircut even. A drastic change (in your appearance or life) will make you feel less like the girl that got cheated on. Go on a holiday by yourself. Start treating yourself - indulge in spa treatments and retail therapy. Pamper yourself with a mani/pedi and get new outfits with shoes and bags to match. Go party with friends, you can find groups online if you do not have anyone in your immediate circle. And remember to smile.

    The more happy you can make yourself, the less you will think of your ex and how he made you feel about yourself.
    The first few times may seem fake (and shallow even), but it will start getting real. One day, you will really smile without having to remind yourself. You do not have to forgive your ex, but you have to be able to accept 'all that' as a part of your life (yes, that happened - even though I didn't do anything to deserve this. For that matter no one deserves this!) and still be 'the' You.

    Problem is, when bad things happen to good girls (don't smoke, don't drink, no boyfriend etc.) - we (yes, I am including myself here) end up asking ourselves "Why us and not them, God knows I do not deserve this" or some variant of this. For some time, it helps with the healing as well. But playing the victim card for long is not helpful - there is a lesson to be learnt, lick our wounds and then time to move on.

    You will soon be able to put all this in the past and move forward. All the best. Smile On!
     
  10. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    I think you are right ... just nowadays I'm looking at people microscopically ... I will be happier if I stop judging.

    I ain't perfect myself ...
     

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