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Is it worth scraping and saving like this?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Nithya001, Nov 8, 2008.

  1. roopadadia

    roopadadia Silver IL'ite

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    I have lost a lot of confidence. Some of you are right to say that husband should be the person in whom one can confide but I do not feel close to him. He seems to be very distant. I find it hard to tell him that his attitude makes me feel dependant on him for every single penny and that I feel I am wasting his money every time I get something for myself.

    Nithya, if you don't try to bridge this gap, it will go on widening and the loss will be yours. So before its too late...buck up girl. One can't afford to be so in an alien country.

    So, just don't think that you are wasting his money. If you can justify your spending then go ahead. Don't get intimidated.

    As i mentioned earlier, do think of starting something from home...be it baby sitting, catering, beauty whatever is your interest. But don't just vile away your time.
     
  2. reshsabu

    reshsabu Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Nithya,

    I understand how it feels to sacrifice all your small small wishes since you dont have enough to spend on.

    But try to focus that u and your hubby are a family now and you are in this together. Though most guys feel proud to be the breadwinners the fact is that financial stability is much better when both of you earn.

    Are u guys in US on long term plans? If so, you can discuss with your husband about the possibility of filing for a green card. That way, you can also start working once you get the employee authorisation.

    You can also, check out if you can file for an H1 visa in the next year's quota. It is a lottery... but u have a chance.

    What is your educational background? Start looking at the possibilities for getting a job. I know you said that you are on a dependant visa. You wont be able to work right away. You will have to wait till you get a H1 visa or a employee authorisation. But now may be a good time to do some self study,attend trainings it possible, get certifications that would help in finding a job etc.

    Keep your self motivated. Take it as a goal and start working to achieve that.

    Cheers,
    Reshmi
     
  3. Nithya001

    Nithya001 Bronze IL'ite

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    I want to thank all of you who replied to my post and poured in suggestions.

    I must say all of you are doing a really great job helping out girls like me who have almost nowhere to turn to. I am posting this with tears in my eyes. After reading all replies I decided to do something that will help me gain some confidence to begin with. I have started volunteering as that is the best I can do. I am volunteering at two different places, a library and a hospital doing office work. Though the work there is not much but I feel great being with people who ask me about myself and make me feel good. I struggled a lot with myself when I realized that I'll be driving to these places and my husband would definitely point out the gas expenses. But I decided to go for it whatever he says.
    One good thing that it did to me is that i am trying to learn to not get affected by my husband's comments of expenses on me. I'm trying to insulate myself so that he cannot make me feel depressed and give up.
    He is still the same and I hope I will try to get over his behavior. Just yesterday he called his Mom to tell her that he is sending an air ticket for her travel plans within India. I don't mind but am deeply hurt, I save every penny and when I go out he gives me no more than 3-4 dollars. But I am to just stay unaffected by whatever he does with his money.

    I still don't feel I have any right over his money and a free hand to spend on myself in our marriage. But I hope I would be able to work some day and be independent.

    Though I know my condition is not going to change much, but still going out of house for volunteer has given me back a lot of confidence.

    I want to thank all and urge that please keep posting your replies for girls who are in trouble. You all perhaps do not realize how much difference you are making into the troubled lives of many girls merely by posting your opinions in goodwill.
     
  4. oaktree

    oaktree Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Nithya,

    I was wondering whats going on with you some days back and am delighted to see your post today indicating your have started taking your own steps to improve the situation :)
    Glad to know that your self confidence is increasing, please continue your efforts... surely you will land up a good job sometime soon which will make you financially independent. Remember that even big successes have humble beginnings.
    Way to go girl :thumbsup

    Regards.
    Oaktree
     
  5. Nirims

    Nirims New IL'ite

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    Great job girl :-D keep going
     
  6. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Nithya,


    Even I faced same situation for some extent and that gotten better after I start working.I feel it is not that your husband didn’t have money. Some people wanted to control their wife’s. I know one guy has rich family back in India and his wife has rich family and they both work here and he will not allow his wife to spend any penny. I think it is there personality. So next if you wanted to buy something and if your husband asks you really wanted then just say YES and say this is all mine with funny. Don’t worry about his finances. I don’t think he has bad finances. Just he might have heard from some friends or somewhere that wife’s waste the money then he is just trying to control you or he might have some body influence on him or he might have some instances on him from his childhood. You don’t know what it is but don’t worry about that. Just see what way you can earn little money or if you want to do some course why don’t you go to India and finish that course. The problem in usa you can’t go some place for a one week break like in India going to parents place. You will be with the husband all the time and they don’t understand the importance of wife. So I feel we should need some break from each other once in a while.Don't worry be happy.I know you have good start by doing valentry work and if you want to do MS go for it even though your husband says expensive ,just say I wanted to do it or why don't you talk with your MIL nicely since she is a doctor she might understand the importance of education :cheers.Just think about it,just don't think that he is saying no for the things,just see what ways you can negotiate with him.My 4 years old daughter negotiate with me lot even though I say no no all the time.I think you try that,just don't keep quite if he hear from NO.Just leave from the other ear and just negotiate.

    Best of luck.
     
  7. div123

    div123 New IL'ite

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    Thanks roopa,
    I have decided to go back to India and find a good job. I am very very alienated here and feel like i am left alone. With all these tension and stress, i am also losing my cool. Now i realise that one should take care themselves first. I really feel like a dumbo to leave my family and bright career back in India and come here.
    Div.
     
  8. Ambige

    Ambige Bronze IL'ite

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    Nithya,

    You have very good way of writting. You can try for technical writter in the same library/hospital. If you have computer knowledge, that would be a plus. You got your self-confidence level coming up. Cool...Stay there and win the race.
     
  9. Nithya001

    Nithya001 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Ambige,

    Can you tell me a little more about technical writing? In the places I volunteer there seems to be no opportunity for the same. Can u suggest some organizations where they might require volunteers for technical writing? Thanks
     
  10. Ambige

    Ambige Bronze IL'ite

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    Search for 'Technical writer' post in your local area. It is a documentation kind of work. You have to know MS Word, Excel, Acrobat Reader/writer and some technical knowledge. Thats it. The libraries may have technical writers to do the documentation work. Also the software company may have a technical writer to document their product. Thus this post is attached to many orgainizations. Try searching in hotjobs,monster and other job sites local to your area. If you are on H4 visa, doing something related to your technical expertise, may help you to get a good postion(job) when you move to H1. All the best.
     

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