Is it too much to ask for ? am i wrong or right? WARNING long post

Anamika99 · Aug 21, 2012

As many of you - who have helped me with your suggestion in past know that my in-laws live with me every 6 months in a year. I need unbiased opinion as I have reached my limit and even if i get unsolicited advice - a small one, my blood starts to boil and I am very angry and take out on my husband, and poor guy understands and keeps calm but later on i feel bad.

I have many issues my in-laws
they are orthodox, i have to follow many rite and rituals which I do not believe in
Live mostly traditional life at home- cook fresh, eat indian dress, bindi etc (as u know i got rid of few with your help)
I can not have gals night out, if i go out and take my son or come home late from work, i have to be ready to hear some taunting ..though it does not happen much anymore, now i m scared as it has left impression from the past.
And when i m home i have to be with them
and many more like these

While my MIL and FIL helps a lot around house but still i do not know why ends up being a lot more work than when we r alone (DH, me and DS) They take great care of my son. Study and food both.

Now in past
they have screwed up my pregnency
my son used to call me with special name instead of Mom and MIl made sure to change him while she made DS call her what she wanted
my FIL used words like 'bap ke ghar pe kuch nahi shikha'
Times when he got mad at me for not wearing indian dress in the house when i ended up wearing pants.
They interfered a LOT in our lives and get involved in every little things
and unlimited unsolicited advice...this has spoiled my brain like anything. They still continue to give unsolicited advise but it has reduced compared to before - a lot...but now even advise sound genuine, my brain just shuts down to take it in and follow it, instead i end up rebeling it in my mind. i get very very very mad that why do they need to even say anything....we take care of you and that is about your biz...they should not get involve more than that.

A few example
1) due to my son's health, somebody advised to give him coconut, i started giving him the one from frozen pkt. I do not have time and nor find much difference in frozne vs. fresh and they kept asking me buy the forzen one and told me fresh is always good. I knew it was for my son, i should be happy but I was so angry that they did not think about me for a single second that I am so busy, hard to handle everything and they know their son (my DH) not good at some of the so-called manly things around the house, so i will end up doing it (breaking coconut and taking out of shell etc) And i was havign bad period and lots of bleeding they knew it but still was angry that i did not buy coconut and advised me a lot. I was angry , do not know if i am right....i feel why care to get fresh when frozen is available and in certain items frozen is better.

2) We bought bed for my son in and came in parts. As soon as we came home MIl came out and started instructing what we should do and how we shoudl carry it upstairs and what part to take first and what to do with the box etc. I was like...why do you look over us all the time? Why could not they just continue watching tv as they were before we came. I tried calming down myslef inside that they r just trying to help and tried to ignore but for me, i can not tolerate a small advise at all as i mentioned before. Am i wrong in hoping that they continue with what they were doing it while we carried on with the bed things?

3) my DH's car need cleaning , ok so it is not dirty but a bit dusty and things from here and there with our shoes. They keep asking to clean cars while it is still in nice condition to sit and travel and we do not have time to clean. When my MIl asked me to clean it, i passed it on to my DH infront of her...but then few days my FIl also got in the case saying o actually u all 3 shd clean it (me, Dh and DS) and he never thought for a sec that my DH never helps me in the kitchen and FIL never advised him to come and work with me, why expect me to work with DH? And one hand i understood they just want us to be clean, i was still mad, and made me really really unhappy. M i wrong to feel this again?

And many instances like this i have...i get a little bit of instruction and my anger goes over the roof.
I do not know why. i work out, and i have started yoga as well for a while thinking it may help. There was time i was like this and my parents made me go to doc. and i ended up taking antidepression medication for 3 months and it made me so much calmer and i carried on after that for 3 and half years just fine...and now again i m back in that state. i want to avoid taking medication again, and i want to understand...what i feel is right? or i m just being not fair to them as they may just wish well for us. I do not know but i keep hating they keep giving advise every now and then..i hate it to core. :bonk:drowning

poojachinoy · Aug 21, 2012

Anamika,

i think you are giving too much importance to the wrong people...i believe,that is due to past issues...but for your own sake and mental peace,you need to move ahead in life..unsolicited advice is ALWAYS going to be there from them..accept it..now what you can do about is,to decide weather to follow it or not??!!

if they asked you about getting fresh coconut...then,either you should have let it pass and just went ahead by giving frozen coconut and let them rant and shut up..or else,bring fresh coconut from market and hand it over to them to do the work and feed DS...

about cleaning DH's car...it just says it all..its HIS car he needs to clean it,irrespective your inlaws say it or not..irrespective of your in-laws are visiting you or not..it is your DH's responsibility and you should have just let him know about it..if he cleans,it is good for him..if not,then too he has to clean it but with more effort later on when the dirt will get even more.

the bed issuee..with any new thing coming in the house,everyone present at home will take part 'suggesting' about it..be it DH's parents or yours...just let these things go.

you need to see the brighter side to it..my in-laws stay with me 24x7...and all these unsolicited advices are thrown left,right and centre at us..i know its very tuff to handle such personalities staying abroad where you have limited help and no parents physical support to fall back on..whenever my inlaws used to even go out for 1hr,i used to feel the sense of freedom..but later i realized that they are going to be with me and i need to learn to handle them instead of finding ways to escape them or crib about them...thats when i started to accept they are that way...i need to move on or else i will loose my youth over them...so,i started doing things how i want..their advice keeps pouring in..if its good i do take it..if its bad i just move on doing my own thing!!

Anamika99 · Aug 21, 2012

Thanks Pooja, from this lists help, i have learnt to ignore but i feel the sesne of sometimes 'who is there to take care of me..." and i can ignore to ceraint limit and then after a while it gets really irritating...I have not got the stage yet where i can keep ignoring....i let go 10 things and then when the 11th comes, i m all agitated. i just think i need more practice igoring. something happens to my DH, they expect to take care of me many ways...and as soon as i complain about some health issues, i get a long list what i have not done to include in my daily life like not eating enough ginger or something relavant to my health issue. I know it is too much to expect from in-laws if I m not feeling good. I do not expect them to do my 'seva', i just expect they to shut up!

LifeIsAMystery · Aug 21, 2012

Hi Anamika99

Do you know why we have 2 ears? Its because if we like something we can hear something and keep that feeling inside us, if we hate something we can hear from one hear and pass it from the other.
I think you need to have patience. I don't blame your husband ( not because I am male myself), because he feels an obligation that he cannot say or go against his parents since they have raised him and all that. I mean most husbands are like that.

You need to understand your inlaws come from different generation. I am pretty sure inlaws are not as educated as you and husband. Their way of thinking is different from you. As inlaws they WILL ALWAYS try to show who is the elder one in the house. Believe me I have gone through this with my own father. They will always taunt, always try to show you that you are nothing and they are great but as I said you just need to ignore

I am sure you have a lot of patience and as you said " you let go 10 things but when 11th one comes, you are all agitated again". I know how it feels.

You need more practice ignoring and more patience. Once you master that, I think you will be ok

arch1209 · Aug 21, 2012

Dear Anamika99

Your post made me feel so bad for you, mainly because you spoke about your depression and having been on anti-depressants. I can understand how and why you feel the way you do because of the situation with your in-laws. Having in-laws visit you for 6 months brings about a huge change in your life and while you have been trying to move things around and change your schedules (basically your whole lifestyle) to accommodate them you probably think they least they could do is let you be! My answer to your question are you asking for too much? Is No, you are not asking for too much. Pooja has given you a good suggestion, do things that you like but you will have to learn to ignore the brickbats that you get. However, eventually they might or might not get used to it. But you could hold on to hope that they get used to it
But the bigger issue is your depression, have you spoken to the husband about it? I think if your depression is being triggered by certain situations or because of your environment then you should talk to your husband about it. It is his duty to give you an emotional and stress free environment, maybe his helping you out and sharing responsibilities with you will give you the much needed break you need. If he does not help you with it, separate yourself from these situations mentally (Easier said than done right), but I think you are already doing it by working out and going for yoga etc...Sometimes writing things out help, I always write down things that stress me out and sometimes it makes me feel better. You cannot control and predict how other people behave or react, but you can take care of yourself by trying to avoid getting hurt.
Sending you positive thoughts and hope you feel better.

sheztheone · Aug 22, 2012

Anamika, I am back to reply to your posts

First of all, hugs to you. Calm down and it is good that you are into yoga.

I have always felt that your H is mainly responsible for this situation that you are in. Agreed, your PILs are dependent on both of you and you need to take care of them. But what is your H's role in the whole setup apart from providing for them? Is he aware of these issues that you have? Has he taken any steps to make it better for you (whether it has become better or not is not the issue here-has he taken the initiative??)
If he expects his wife and parents to coexist, he ought to take some responsibility in making the day-to-day environment conducive for both sides.
For example (these are just random suggestions-am not taking sides here)
Telling his parents that you are more comfortable in western wear at home
Asking you to do certain things that they suggest; things that they probably find more difficult to compromise than you

Many a time, we DILs forget that our husbands exist in the equation and attribute all problems to PILs. Your husband is not fair in expecting you to stay with his parents and their demands that his wife finds difficult to meet. In that case, he better do something about it.

I totally understand when you say you are completely pissed by unsolicited advice. My MIL gives unsolicited advice all the time, and I hate how she comes across as patronizing and disapproving of the ways followed by us. As you said, I am now at a point where my mind knows that her advice is correct, but I can't help but get very irritated. We are grown-ups and though we may not adopt their methods in the exact same manner, I believe we are quite capable of handling our issues ourselves. Advice, like any other thing, should come in moderation to be appreciated.

Anyway, I would suggest that you have a frank talk with your DH. Be open with him, cry all you want, but make him understand that you are on the brink of depression. Do not worry about the "bad DIL" tag when you do this.
GL.

monita · Aug 22, 2012

I hear you Anamika. Like all others have said, ignoring is the key. It can get frustrating dealing with such persistent ILs who just won't back off even when you ignore them so many times. I think you should find some ways to let out that frustration. Go to your room, cry your heart out, box some pillows etc.
Another thing you could do is consult a psychologist. usually psychologists don't prescribe medicine, (psychiatrists do). You would feel better talking your heart out to someone in person, and she might suggest something that could work for you.

Anamika99 · Aug 23, 2012

Thank you all for your replies. I have gotten better at ignoring but not as good as i would like to be and i get these bouts every now and then.

@pooja: no, i do not give any imprtance to them. THey have lost my respect and love, what i do is for duty and for DH as it makes him happy. And it strengthens our (dh and me) bond. I used to share things with them, i do not any more for many reasons. I get awards, never tell them, my mom gives gifts - i do not show it to them. IF they see when i use it, i simply say 'o mom gifted me' and carry on to next conversipn without giving them chance to complain. Borther sends me rakhi money, i do not share...so no, i do not give importance, but i do fear their anger and taunting and what all went on for years. it has left deep impression in a bad way. I have learnt a little bit to tackle issues like car thing, bed...etc. it is not the main point though...just having to tackle eveything take a toll...that is the issue. :drowning

@LifeIsAMystery , glad to hear from a man...and i agree my DH feels that obligation...especially being a son... he hesitate more than my SIL does. SIL will give back to my in-laws when they r wrong....that is why my MIL keeps saying to her "bhabhi ko bigadati hai". DH needs to carry responsbilities too...he tries and in-laws won't let him they feel for a man it is :hide: and when they see other men doing it, they say 'wow, nice husband!" :rotfl
And brain is like sponge...keeps absorbing but then there is a point where it becomes saturated and can not absorb any more

@arch yes my DH is aware of my depression and after it happened first he changed 18o degree in his nature....but then he fails to speak back to his parents. I understand that...only thin i wish, he could do for me is not invite his parents over every year...why can't he make up some bahana and have them only alternate year that 'd give a good break.

@sheztheone
Thanks for writing for me. Yes, many times i feel DH is reposnible. But again there are times he has stood up for me. So i end up compromising for some. Like my MIL force me to ewar mangla sutra, bindi and traditional bangles even when i go to work in jeans and formal westerns. My husband made sure to stop it for me. So i do not force him to fight for me to wear western at home...from duppatta dress to kurti/leggings now I am on and making slow change. But that is not the main point...the point is they try to rule, impose and interfere. Also, i agree again that DH needs to take responsibilites...after all they r his parents, just paying their tic and bring them here does not end his duties....if i have to wake up for them to cook and come home and cook...how come he is allow to sit in couch and watch tv...that is outrageous....DH as it is do not like cooking (but then so what, neither do i....:spin) so does not enter kitechn and it is even harder when they are around...at the most, he will say he has meeting at lucnh so will eat out, and (rarely when they are here) takes left over. but i am not sure how i get to the point where cooking gets shared responsiblities.....whether they r here or not...and i m so lost on that part. initial stage of figuring that out. He is all open to having a cook...but so hard to find an inidian one.

@monita...crying out is the key for me to survive....i do box the pillows...how we think alike....:bowdown may be just kind of being in similar situatuion drive it, doesn't it. i sometime just takes off an hour from work and go for pedicure...yes it gives me some happiness and relief but not long lasting. i have so much resetment built up...that only thin i feel sometime makes me live is my DS. it is so hard to find time to go see doc when really need to, then psycologist sounds like a great idea...not sure how i can accomodate...so for pouring out my heart here is a good survival key for me. :thumbsup

Hachiko · Aug 23, 2012

Hi Anamika,

I think the more you keep things to yourself,the more stressed,depressed and tensed you are.You have tolerated enough with them.So,next time if they said something,like you should help your husband to wash your car,you can voice out your dissatisfaction in a cery subtle way.Just tell them,are you all joking?I have enough work in kitchen! Then you can just smile or laugh it off and walk away from the place.If they,complaint anything about you to husband and he brings up the issue to you.Dont get angry or annoyed.Just listen,and say,ok dear,next time I will follow their way.But you dont have to actually.
Anamika,try to take things lightly..Actually I felt quite bad after reading that,you took anti depressant tablets..Life is too precious dear ..Take care...

poojachinoy · Aug 23, 2012

just having to tackle eveything take a toll...that is the issue.
Click to expand...

till they are alive,weather they are in india or visiting you in US...these issues are going to be there,period!..nothing is changing that...that is the irony!..they will never change...you are changing,which should be appreciated..but the other spouse in this relationship too needs to change and shoulder some responsibilities...i think,we,as indian women give our husbands too much cut and pampering for many things..we ignore soo much...for your own mental peace,your husband needs to actively take part in this marriage instead of just lying around on the couch..talk with him..take him to a marriage counsellor and let it be known from a professional point of view if possible...he needs to take charge on some fronts,his parents for starters!