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Is it time to plan a family?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by neetu, Apr 25, 2007.

  1. neetu

    neetu Junior IL'ite

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    Hi All,
    I reached this site through a foodblog (as many others might have) while hunting for recipes as happens when newlywed. i am simply glad to be here after i read some of the posts and the great replies. i need some help, opinion, guidance from all who might have been in my position at some point!?
    We got married almost six months back, and my husband right from the beginning wanted to have kids as soon as possible. Initially i was fine with that , but five months in california state, and i realized we are not financially prepared for that. Right now being on a temporary job my husband is earning less than $ 50,000 on H1 and me being here on H4b can't work. Since i realized our financial condition i decided not to have kids for a year or two, but my husband is not very happy with that. he thinks a little financial struggle is fine till he gets a permanent job. I am not sure of this, as my five months experience in Caifornia says its an expensive place to live and bring up kids. Am i being paranoid about finances ??
    I need some advice wether its okay to start a family at this stage, i am 24 and understand that this is the right time to have kids, my in-laws and parents back home too wait for that, but nothing in my life spent with parentsin india has prepared me for financial crunches. i am not sure what to do. Please i need some good opinions before this starts to affect our married life. Thanks
     
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  2. suna

    suna New IL'ite

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    Hey Neetu,
    don't think much just plan it becz if ur planning now it will take almost
    10 months time n till that time ur hubby will get good job. Now these days so many problems r coming in this matter so don't b late. california means its expensive, but if he will get next job west or east side that will b good for save money, if u like u can also do job after 2 or 3 years when kid will b growing up that time u can apply for h1 b OR u can do in indian super markets so ....don't think.................
    life is starting now so v hav lot of time to do something and earn money.
    Actually v came recently (8 months back)here so v r also planning for that ....................ok neetu good luck
     
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2007
  3. puni88

    puni88 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hello,
    Having kids should not be planned, everything should be a god's gift.
    If you want to go according to your fanancial situation, it is never going to get better, you will always have some or the other things going on in your life.
    Now it might be a job problem, then making property .... so on...
    By the time you get ready and have baby it might be a year, so it is good to have babies now and then move on with your life. There is plenty of time to get settled in life.
    Good luck,
    Punitha
     
  4. ubattula

    ubattula New IL'ite

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    hi neetu,

    this is not the correct time to have kids if you are not yet settled in life.This is I am telling based on my personnel experience.Once you have kids it there won't be nothig to save and lead good life. it is ok to have kids after two to three years. Especially in US we should have proper planning finacially otherwise we would be like this for ever.You are still 24 so you have 4 more years to have first baby(before 28 it would be good to have first kid). in the mean time your husband will get good job and you can apply for H1 and search for jobs.once both of you have jobs then it would be more supportive finacillay and it won't be a big problem to have kids. one of my friend had baby like your situation and sufferred a lot and they sent baby to india.
    So be on proper planning and good luck.
     
  5. NidhiJain

    NidhiJain New IL'ite

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    My genuine advice,
    First find a job for yourself.You have got a great oppurtinity to come here in US.Apply for a H1 visa and start working or join some short term course and then start working.
    you are too young to have a baby.First You be strong with your career.Then no problem go ahead and have a baby.
     
  6. Ansuya

    Ansuya Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello, Neetu

    In my opinion, planning and thinking are always good things, and the "secret" to a successful and enjoyable life. You sound like a sensible young woman to me, and I would urge you to follow your instincts. If you think that you would prefer to be more financially secure before you commit to having a child, you would be the best judge of that (not your relatives or anyone else). You are young and have plenty of time to start a family in the near future. There is no hurry to head in that direction immediately.

    It is always a good idea to get to know your partner well immediately after marriage. Although this can be done with a child, it may be a little easier to focus your time, energy and attention on your partner if you're not also focussed on a child. Once you have established a great working relationship with your husband, and he with you, you will be better prepared to offer a child a healthy and happy home.

    Added to this, you need to acclimatise to living in a new country. Moving overseas is not a small or an insignificant life change - it is a major upheaval that can tax any relationship. I would advise you and your husband to settle into your new home well - establish a network of friends and settle into good domestic routines before you add the responsiblities that come with a child.

    Making the decision to have a child is a momentous and wonderful time in a couple's life. Since it is YOUR child, make sure YOU make the decision. You can take into account my advice, or that of all the other great ILites, or your in-laws, or family back home in India, but ultimately, you will have to live with your decision.

    Also, even though we live in times of equality, having a baby has a significantly more tangible impact on a woman than the man in her life. This is not to say that fathers do not share in the joys and pains of bringing a child into the world. Rather, I am pointing out the reality of the situation - your life will change in ways your husband can't imagine when you have a baby. So, make sure you and he are both ready - emotionally, psychologically, financially, and physically.

    I wish you all the luck for the exciting times ahead.

    Ansuya
     
  7. Pavarun

    Pavarun Silver IL'ite

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    I think your feelings and concerns are very legitimate. Having a baby is a major and significant life event, and I am of the opinion that it should be only when you are mentally, emotionally, financially and career-wise prepared for it. Parents and relatives sometimes do put pressure to have a baby but succumbing to that when you are not prepared can cause hardship on you both and can put tremendous strain on your marriage. Think about it - it IS fairly expensive to have a baby here. Being the first one, you may want someone from your family or your husband's family come and stay with you initially. Having to support you, the baby and additional visitors all on a single income may put a lot of strain on you and your husband. Especially so given the current financial climate and job situation.

    You are just 24 - you have so many years ahead of you. These days with good medical care and advances in technology, having the first baby in late 20s or even early thirties is very common.

    I sincerely urge you to frankly discuss this with your husband. Create an excel sheet and project how your expenses would look like with a baby, so that you can show him that your concerns are justified.

    Good Luck! (This is just my personal opinion, but ultimately you should be the master of your own destiny)
     
  8. JustAni

    JustAni Silver IL'ite

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    You posted this on 24th April, 2007.... & you are still receiving opinions, but what is happening in your end?

    Are you working? pregnant? or already having a kid?
     

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