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Is It Possible To Cut Off Inlaws Completely??

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by meenu2020, May 13, 2020.

  1. meenu2020

    meenu2020 Senior IL'ite

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    Hello everyone,
    I am married since many years without kid.During initial years of marriage we were living with inlaws.That was like a hell.For more details and understanding my matter completely please refer to my previous thread :
    Dh Calling Mil Everyday....who Admitted She Don't Want Us To Live Together

    They were like monsters of my life and created a lot of problems for me.they created lots of misunderstanding b/w us.
    It was a suffering to live with them.they did all to separate me from my husband and seeking more dowry.
    I just hate them from core of my heart.

    Now problem is when my husband call them I feel like I am cheated.i feel like I shouldn't talk to my husband anymore.why can't he understands my pain.that feeling goes a long way. I know we are away from them now.but drawback is DH created great bond with them after leaving parent house.when I tell something about his parents it would be very hard for him to believe.that is effecting my married life too.which in long run, not going to creat good future.

    My questions are,refer to my situation Is there any way to make him understand about what his parents did to me??
    Is is possible to cut off mil and fil completely from my side ,knowing that husband call them everyday??
    As I don't feel like talk to those fake people.
    Thanks in advance.



     
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  2. Maha99

    Maha99 New IL'ite

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    Sorry! My heart bleeds for women like you and me...So many lives ruined..so many precious beautiful moments of young life sacrificed to this in-laws drama..and so many bitter memories throughout life....I am undergoing something similar...I had kids late in life..they are pouncing on my kids (there is no affection, just to make me miserable) and now say past is past..destroying my whole life, they now say its past move on..well i did moved on...i am not ready to forget but I forgive them to have a peaceful rest of the life....yes DH does talk to them everyday (they act worried due to corona stuff, MIL shedding crocodile tears for same DH whom they never called when he was hospitalized for 10 days!!) Ha...i know i cannot attach myself to my DH..In my dreams every night, I dream and fantasize about my high school class mate..go back in time machine..romance and marry him....this is all just to make me feel relaxed...nothing more...I cannot imagine romance and love with my DH anymore..my marriage is broken thanks to them and it was a love marriage....and by morning, i am back to my kids, house duties.....

    To your Qs:
    - It took me 7 years of fights to make him understand..he has not yet...he just follows what I say to maintain peace in family but internally, he has soft spot for his parents despite what they did..So NO he will not understand..you will be lucky if he would..your DH should because you didn't get a chance to experience stress-free life that could contribute to baby-making....I was in this phase of stress no kids for 4 or 5 years....I didn't realize how stress creeps up in our life..plz try this point with your husband and work on it..
    -Yes you can choose not to talk to them..while your DH talks..make sure you ask your DH to not talk about you...be your advocate if he wants to maintain marriage (threaten him)/wants peace in home....

    LOVE n HUGS to you dear...you are suffering I know..please work on taking care of yourself...
     
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  3. meenu2020

    meenu2020 Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Maha99, you would be surprised that mine was arranged marriage and it was my mil who ask my mum for my marriage to her son.anyways ,I got to know them very soon...those people are really cheap.
    It's already been 5 years since my marriage. I am still not ready for a kid. Idon't know why.
    I was very surprised that you wrote " you dream about your high school mate" for romance and marriage.This is exactly what is happening in my case. Before my husband I had a boyfriend.we both were very serious about each other.please don't let me wrong because I not going to cheat H.It is just a feeling.I really miss the way he show his emotions of love and affection.He still come into my dreams and I dream of marrying him.When I wake up I get to know the reality.we loved each other the only thing which keep us apart was his x gf was interfering.any ways it was long time ago.he is married too.but sometime I feel like there is something b/w us which need to be complete.anyways those were just the feelings.It happened when you can't share your feelings with your husband...and feel a void.
    Refer to my question, I know every child have sensitive corner for his/her parents,no matter how bad they are.but if husband bonding is obstacles in married life that is the matter of concern.
     
  4. Sreevidyaa

    Sreevidyaa Silver IL'ite

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    From my experience it’s almost impossible to break husband away from his family. No matter how horribly they had treated the wife the husband does give in to his family and his extended relatives. As a wife who had endured enough of troubles with them nothing seems to have worked so far. So just try to keep a distance for your sake, You can avoid talking to them.
     
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  5. ruchi2000

    ruchi2000 New IL'ite

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    Dear Meena,
    I can understand u completely. I had a daughter after 6 yrs of marriage.till that time it was hell.tough they were visiting us in Mumbai...but my mil interference was much. also my co sisters who got married after me , concived and I didn't ...it was nightmare.
    now my daughter is 6 yrs old.so we r married for 12 yrs.Now I my mil behaves so good with me but I just cant forgot what she did. i try to reconcile my past but some how cant do deep down in my heart.
    so now if she comes to stay with me, I don't entertain her more. I personally don't call herie f husband calls that time I talk n give phone to me I talk else no contact.that too I just ask genral questions nothing.
    my point is somethings u cant leave as they r parents , so they are part of ur hubby. but don't let her rule your life. u will be lucky if ur hubby understand ur position mine didn't. so I had to find my own solution. waise bhi apni ladhai hai humko hi ladni hai….
    Try to find solution but don't take this extreme step of totally cutting off.
    Kyuki indian society mein bahu hi nalayak mani jati hai. Kyu saas ke karan apna naam karab karna.

    yours ruchi
     
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  6. winterhue

    winterhue Gold IL'ite

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    Meenu,
    I used to be like you. I wanted my husband to support me and stand up for me. Over the years (15+) , I have realized that it is never going to happen. I can cry,I can throw tantrums and I can pick up fights or silent treatments - but it simply wont come from my H.
    I think men are very good at compartmentalizing their relationships. Parents are in one compartment, wife is is one compartment and Kids are in another compartment. Whatever happens between Wife and Parents, they just dont see it as an attack on themselves (not applicable the other way around though. If your parents attack him, he will expect you to stop talking to them. But lets not go there , ok?).
    Coming to your problem. Your BIGGEST issue is that you expect your husband to fight a war on your side. First of all, accept the fact that it is a war between you and your in-laws. Being mad at the husband is never going to make it easy. So take him out of the equation completely. Stop trying to find his shoulder to fire from.
    The answer to your question "Will he ever understand what his parents did to me?". NO. He is not interested and will never understand. So STOP expecting him to. It is going to cost you a lot of peace of mind if you keep expecting him to do this. Once you accept that point, fight your battles effectively. You are entirely free to cut off your ties with in-laws. I did that. I dont talk to them , but I am not hostile to them in any way. I am very formal, I say hi once in a while when my husband calls them, but thats it. They are effectively NOBODYs in my life. I go about my life, I have a good time with my family and I dont think about justice. Now and then, sometimes , I get this rage inside me when I think of what my husband did (or didnt) do when my MIL was torturning me. I scream into the pellow, vent on indusladies or just eat a whole pint of ice cream and then breathe in and out. This acceptance is the first step towards your nirvana. Trust me.
     
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  7. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Meenu, if this was written only for venting, then you vented and it's done.
    If you're being serious then let me tell you, this is a normal thing in many families. Your husband should be taking your side, if he isn't, then you will spend your life cutting off people, wasting your time with worry. In-laws aren't exactly the issue, DH is. If not in-laws he will get some 3rd party from somewhere to criticize you. Just play it cool, let him keep talking and you don't take it to your head.
     
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  8. Vanani

    Vanani Senior IL'ite

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    Absolutely true - best response.
     
  9. meenu2020

    meenu2020 Senior IL'ite

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    sarvantaryamini, I know it's husband who believe them,but once any sort of small issue open up I found my in-laws react very weired.mil told many times that I found a worng girl for my son.they ( mil and fil ) openly admit that they were expecting our divorce.so these kind of things make impact.let me give you example if our parents don't like our hubby it is definitely going to impact our mind in some way or another right.So that is what my concern is.
     
  10. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

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    This kind of "weird" behavior is present everywhere, very few people have it "normal". It is definitely irritating, exhausting as well. But only as long as you let it affect you. Once you ignore them, things will set right by themselves. I am not saying out of ignorance or arrogance, but because I have seen this, heard this from many a number of times and also found that the only way to deal with it is to ignore and move on.
     

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