Is it possible to break the MIL-DIL tussle?

My last but one post "Transition - from Mom to Mom-In-Law" was a personal one, where I recounted an unexpected, and much too early, promotion from Mom to prospective MIL and how I dealt with it. Reading through it again today brought back the same questions that always resonate in my mind - WHY this friction? WHY this rivalry? WHO benefits from it? WHO loses the most because of it?

And

Can this tussle ever be broken?

A MIL-DIL tussle is really a triangle with the son/husband as the third side. (Poor FIL - he is nowhere in the picture :biglaugh). A triangle is mathematically a very stable shape - not as stable as a circle but much more than a square or a pentagon. It is more difficult to change the shape by pushing at the corners of a triangle than of a square or pentagon.

But this relationship triangle seems to be volatile - to say the least! And the reason seems to be that both the wife and the mother want to be first in the life of the same person. As though the one who manages to wring out the most concern for herself has somehow won some war!

In reality, every one loses in this war.

So is it possible to break this tussle? I say, why not? After all, what is the equation here? Mom and wife and the Man in between. The Mom loves the son and the Wife loves the husband and ideally want the same person to be happy. This is the one single truth that both need to see!

Wife tries to make the husband happy....
Mom wants the son to be happy....
Mom sees DIL making son happy.... Mom's aim fulfilled? So she can be happy..... right?
WRONG!
When Mom sees son happy because of his wife - her DIL, Mom feels jealous.

Mom tries to make the son happy....
Wife wants the husband to be happy....
Wife sees MIL making husband happy.... Wife's aim fulfilled? So she can be happy..... right?
WRONG!
When Wife sees husband happy because of his Mom - her MIL, Wife feels jealous.

When the aims of both these women are the same - why the hell can they not work at it together - why are they always working against each other? And in the end failing both their aims?

Now the next question: HOW can this tussle be broken?

Here, I am afraid O MILs, the onus is on you. YOU are the senior and therefore more mature, more experienced and hopefully more wise. YOU are the one who has been the first and only love in your son's life so far and can afford to be magnanimous. This yesterday's chit is too new and inexperienced to be as large hearted as you. YOU will always remain this man's mother, come what may - this young lass has yet to establish herself and ensure her permanence in his life. He can divorce her but never you. So -

STOP being so insecure. The human heart has an unlimited capacity to love and to expand as much as required to accommodate more love.
START encouraging your Son and HIS WIFE (not your DIL) to be happy together.
THROW them together. Give them space and let them find their own stable equation.
REMOVE every obstacle from the path of their happiness.

And one day - you will see that your unstable and volatile triangle has become a super stable circle that holds warm within itself your entire family (FIL included!).