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Is it OK to hide emails from wife?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by dimhere, Dec 20, 2012.

  1. aamrapali

    aamrapali Gold IL'ite

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    This is what I would tell my husband if he did something similar:

    "I somehow came to know that you share a lot of personal information about me/us with your family/friends. If he interrupts/contradicts/denies, I would re-emphasize again in a calm serious mature tone: "How I came to know is besides the point, what is important is that this is and will affect me as an individual and us as a married couple. I will be forced to "clam-up" and measure each and every word I say, basically I would simply withdraw and no longer have the confidence or willingness to share anything. Unless, you want me/us to be that way with absolutely nothing to share, please keep our life and your life with your friends/family separate. I value and respect my privacy as well as feel whatever we talk and do is our personal moments to cherish, not for everyones eyes and ears. It may also help if you let me know before you share something personal because it is not just about you, it is about me too." He may argue, refute, get angry - etc. etc. I will follow up my dialogue by implementing this in action to convey to him that I meant every word. So genuinely withdraw for sometime and see if he starts taking you seriously.

    I have come across this trait in indian men, i find it strange. they are extremely protective about even the worst possible affairs when it comes to their family but somehow have no qualms to tell about the wife and their families to everyone, even some loser on the street.

    Aamrapali
     
    8 people like this.
  2. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi

    My husband's family has an e-group like this too and the only difference is that I was a part of it too... like being initiated into some fraternity or something after I married into his family :) After a while, I just directly hit delete on most of the e-mails because a lot of them are just forwards and other things sent by the elders in the family.

    Of course, I may be a minority, but I am really not one to believe that everything should be bared open between spouses!! If my cousins confide something in me and I think it is irrelevant to my relationship with my husband or he can't help with it in anyway, I will not bother to tell him. Similarly, I will not expect him to tell me everything that goes on in his family because my belief is that what I should/need to know, he will let me know! Have you seen the tone of these e-mails? Is it demeaning or hurtful to you? Do they have fun at your expense? If it's nothing like that and if it's just some cousins venting their problems with others, I think you should just let it go...

    However, it does seem a little weird that your husband would go an report details like what you cook etc. to the group. As aamrapali has mentioned, just calmly mention to him that certain things in your marriage are private to you and you would like to keep it that way. Other than that, if it's just some harmless banter among cousins, let them have some virtual fun. If you think you're missing out on something... just shoot an e-mail to the moderator cousin saying... "hey... this seems like a fun party and I am gatecrashing... ". I would say just don't make it a big deal as long as he is not hiding anything too important!
     
  3. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Form a support group or union with the similarly wronged spouses of all the siblings in the email group. :)
     
  4. cutemonster

    cutemonster Platinum IL'ite

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    This is wrong and you should talk to your spouse about it ! agreed that people can be very close to their siblings and cousins but sharing your personal stuff and things about your family is wrong.
    although i m sure even after you ask him he wont stop , so better idea is talk to the rest of spouses and become a member of that group!
     
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  5. cedantseq

    cedantseq New IL'ite

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    well u talk to him,let him understand ur feelings too
     
  6. indianguy2010

    indianguy2010 IL Hall of Fame

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    He is going to share every thing? ! After all what has he shared? What you cook....how he feels about you etc., right? Certainly he is NOT sharing what happens between you and him in your bedroom. Right?

    So what is the big deal here? It is his right to have close contacts with his cousins. It is not necessary to share everything he writes to others 100 % with his wife.

    I have my personal email id whose password my wife does not know. My friends and cousins write about extremely personal things going on in their lives with me. It is because of their trust on me. Often such a personal stuff they share with me would be totally unrelated to my wife. So why should my wife know about their personal secrets? By sharing everything with her, am I not betraying the supreme trust my cousins have on me?

    Every husband ( every wife too ) has full right, in not disclosing others' secrets with his wife. A wife's insistance in knowing the same will make a husband feel suffocated.

    Please honour your husband's right to have the ongoing harmless intimacy with his friends & cousins.

    You have a right to object if and only if he flirts with another female through emails by keeping his password secret. Otherwise, not.
     
  7. hrastro

    hrastro Platinum IL'ite

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    Hey Indianguy
    Here the problem is that the husband shared wife's sister's problems with his cousins... other way round !!! Thats a complete no-no!!!

    OP, it maybe ok about having this email group, he may share recipes and what you make at home, but sharing intimate details of yours and your family's is not allowed. Please stop discussing your family's details with him till he promises you that he wont share it!!!

     
  8. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    The acumen!

    I think we should create a slogan:
    There are somethings in life that email can handle. For everything else there is PM.
    sigh!
     
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  9. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    make your own group with your side cousins and start reporting every little thing he does and says to them. Make sure you leave the browser open so he discovers what you are up to.
     
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  10. happyperson

    happyperson Gold IL'ite

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    I would say if it is nothing serious he has shared, then ignore it for now. But when you both are having a close fun or leisure time, bring it up in a conversation series and say in a very diplomatic term that you know such a group is going on and why do you guys dont allow your spouses to get closer? any secret dealings...and laugh at it.

    It should poke at the same time..u should be like you dont care...

    If you confront him directly...he may hide more..so think about some creative way of presenting it...
     

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