is it OK to commit for this..please suggest..

I would say NO.

Meeting a person "in person" makes a lots of difference IMHO. I am not a believer in virtual communications.. EVER. I have heard cases that worked well and also been a complete disaster as well.

If a guy does not have time and money to make a lifetime decision, then he is highly questionable.

This is the advise I gave to my friend an year ago when she was in the similar situation and giving you the same.

Marriage is a long term commitment and in our society, culture.. it is a huge decision. We have been brought up that way. In western, being in relationships is not new and thus they are more mature enough me thinks. For most of the Indian ladies ;-) marriage is the first and last relationship we would be exposed too. And even though all is mystery, I would like to take some time to make "that" decision. Coz, once we give the green signal and all the process is underway it would be a pain to stop it all when you get cold feet when you see him FINALLY for the first time, correct?.

First lets get over with the physical part. Every other person gives some weightage to looks, so...

Many are photogenic. Look differently in photos and videos, but in person might not be the same. My friend fell head over heels for this girl he saw in some online matrimonial. He gave an OK for his parents to make a visit to her place. Let's just say the alliance did not go anywhere after that. In an other case, the girl OK'ed it and only came to know that he had a bald head (in the center) only when she met him personally the day before wedding. It was bit disappointing as she was expecting an youthful guy look, but still she went on with the wedding. She was in love and looks did not matter at that point, but she did whine a bit about the surprise LOL LOL for a while though. Photos are deceiving. If you are looking at the photo and having all those juicy romantic dreams, you better have you mind set that in real he might not be the same. What if you look like a sister to him in reality or he looks like your uncle LOL... You dont want to repent about that life now do you More heavier, bit short.. what not ;-) You get my drift right?

Now others:

(1) Why do we have an engagement and then marriage? The simple reason is so that the to-be committed couple can interact, get to know each other. When the latest technology yes all the communications is possible, world is flat.. but still physical interaction is very important, its basic human psychology, to know them in person, see them in person, ... we need to get that vibe when you both are around.. that chemistry correct. This long distance relationship without seeing each other may work for "relationships with no strings attached" but for marriage, I don't think so.

(2) If he is that into you, he would make that trip. In US there are many long weekends coming up and I am sure he can take a day or 2 off to make it a week long trip. Spending $1000 to see his would be for life is not a bad decision ;-) It can be an engagement - spending time with you week also ;-) Families will be happy. Your parents will also feel secured that the guy did come all the way, with all the weird things going on in this world.

(3) I am not scaring you, but telling you some life stories to see the different situations that can pop up in this world . I have heard cases where the guy married because of the pressure from his family, when she came here, she came to know that he had a family and had no interest in her whatsoever. She is just a new bride with all the dreams and it got shattered within 2 months of her marriage (She came to be with him only after 2 months and it was a week they were together during marriage and that was the first time she saw him). She is back in Delhi with her parents now. Of course his trip to India will not guarantee anything, but at least make sure he is having some interest in this alliance right?

(4) If you have any relatives or friends, I advise you to do a background check on him IN USA. His lifestyle, his friends, his workplace, his drinking habits etc. I feel coming to USA is like out of jail card for many from India. They think they can try out anything in this land as there is no one to question them like in India. Of course I am not expecting him to be a saint, but at least no extremes yeah?

So I would advise to have a in person meeting before making any decision. If the families are OK, if you are in the final stage of the decision, then tell him that you want him to be here in person before you can say YAY or NAY ;-) Tell him you feel bit nervous to not meet in person before making the decision. A mature guy would actually appreciate and like that in a woman. A woman who is strong and wise when making such important decisions in life. Tell him we can meet the day after's he arrives, spend some quality time together and if everything goes well, immediately have the engagement. Tell him that even though few hours will not be enough to know a person and it takes a lifetime, atleast this in person meeting would be a start

 

Do not commit to marriage before meeting the person.
Tell them that you understand their time constraints but you would like to meet him as soon as he lands here. Then go with your gut feeling. If something seems out of place, do not proceed. But if everything seems to you as you had predicted then go ahead and marry. It does not take long nowadays to make arrangements for marriage.
In the meantime do all your homework. Let your folks meet their folks often. You can know a lot of things indirectly.

 

I will agree with Preethi here

Yes, meeting in person would make it more easier to understand whether we seem to be attracted to the physical looks or any physical disability etc...but over all attitude wont come out..unless people start living togehter...

Even if we interact with the person before marriage over internet, / emails / phone calls...people tend to put best faces forward...no one would let down their guard or insecurities etc..ofcourse in some cases we come to know about Red Flags..but pls do be very cautious and observe those RED FLAGS and always be prepared to SAY NO to the marriage when you feel you saw some mixed signs...

Its always good to break something that is not finalised than after getting into it...

keep your eyes, ears, and consciousness open all the time and absorb and analyze the signals you are receiving.saves lot of heart burn later.

Good Luck Arthy:2thumbsup:

 

arthy before even you are married to this guy, it is making you feel you are losing a deal as if , why do you see this as a deal, you are going to miss?

You will be in bigger mess if you are not careful, family being good and all is ok, but how is the guy? how is family and guy same when it comes to marrying someone you dont know or have not met? lay down your cards, dont show that its you who are dieing to marry, if you wish to marry without seeing you can go ahead, if not , demand to meet,

How would someone elses experience who has married without seeing going to help you I dont understand, as everyone is different.

 

He is, right ! Another person's life / experience will not help you in the long run, Arthy. You must understand that Marriage and what it hold for each one of us, ARE DIFFERENT.

So, please stop wonderng on living life based on others experience.. It is just your gut feeling about this guy and the quality time you get to spend with him, virtually / personally and so on.

Let us say, two people come forward to write to you.. One would say, my marriage was a super successful one.. and the other warns you and tells you not to marry the NRI without seeing him.. Whose decision / suggestion would you choose ??
You will simply choose the one, which is more close to your heart.. isnt ?

Deep in your heart, if you really want to marry this guy for whatever reasons, you will choose to ignore the person who warned you, telling yourself, that it may not happen to everyone !

Similarly with the gut feeling you have agaisnt this relationship.. you will chose to be very cautious..

So, do what you feel like. Trust your instincts.. Keep faith in your mind, your decision making and in yourself..

Take enough time before you decide on him.. I dont say his family or parents dont matter.. BUT , the MOST important that matters is HIM..

Best Luck !! :thumbsup

 

Arthy, what others have said is perfect ! Can't agree more.

Its v.v.v.v.v important to see the guy in person that you will be marrying and spending rest of 30-40years of your life with !!!

Does'nt harm to meet each other, have an engagement, allow 3-6months time in between to know each other, plus make marriage arrangements. Then finally plunge.

In between, if anything happens you can always call off the engagement and find another proposal.

But, just directly jumping into marriage- I mean absolutely Arranged marriage is not right thing to do these days.

A friend of mine was so orthodox despite living in US for 6yrs and doing her Phd too. She chose to be a 'Nun' in terms of meeting up guys and thought that her narrow-mindedness and conservative approach will bowl over some guy and make an impression of a 'Good Girl'.

Guess what, with her narrow-minded attitude she refused to meet the guy and acted very very conservative even in the one meeting she had with him in New York. Finally they married and within one year they divorced due to non-consummation of marriage and gross incompatibility and cheating.

Not trying to scare you.

But you may be a conservative girl or trust all the elders and families etc.

Life does'nt work the way our parents think in their 50-60year old mindset and generation gap. You need to know yourself better and know exactly what you want in a prospective partner. Then look for proposals accordingly.

Hope you realize that person's worth is more than 'family values', 'family background', 'job', 'education' and 'visa status' and other preliminary assets that one looks at in the arranged marriage setting.

Spare 6months time for yourself to take this important decision in life and you will look back and be glad you did take the time !

Good Luck,
Happy Destiny.

 

What is this, a business deal? I am sorry this argument sounded like used car sales persons statement "you will not get this deal if you do not make a decision before you walk out of that door".

I do not know how old you are but I found argument for deciding on a life partner quite vague. I totally agree with Preethi's argument that in a way marriage is a gamble coz people tend to change after marriage. My take on it is, you should know where you are putting your stakes. It should be an educated guess not a random trial. Never undermine the power of meeting a person and interacting with him.

I am sorry for harsh words, but this is my take on it!!
Again, it is your life and as Preethi says your gut feeling is the most important thing here.

drjp

 

Hi,
In my opinion, its important that you both get a chance to meet, communicate and understand each other before mariage. Why can't he come to India before marriage? What is so much important than the most important decision of his life?
If you ask me is it OK to commit I would say its lottery maybe it will work very fine maybe not. It depends on how well you both get along with each other. If you get to know each other before marriage, something doesn't work you have a chance to say no.
But if you start exploring after marriage its a little difficult not impossible though. There's a different joy in exploring the unknown as well and being true partners sharing the lows and highs, similarities and differences together.
There's also one more important factor, it also depends on you. If you are a person who can compromise on some things and can get along with some differences, ready to go his/his family way, and so on the typical problem creators in married life then you may go ahead with this. BUT if you are a person with your set of standards decided and not ready to compromise on your life, if these problem creators irritate or trouble you, you are independant person (by independant i mean the person who wants to live life her/his own way) then you better meet him.
Choice is yours.
All the best
Vaidehi

 

arthy, just one more story which got posted today on IL, this guy married someone without seeing, same phone chat, internet connection, some of the words related to your post

"Btw, I have married her without seeing her in the first place as I was working in the UK. We had some really long chats and phone calls before marriage and I realise now they are all phantom as I couldn't work out her character in any way."

What Dr preethis said is absolutely right, one person can say he made a mistake , other can say he was lucky, how would you decide your marriage based on others experience? to me marrying would not only involve seeing but also observing, there is difference to see someone and observe someone for some time. Not that things cannot change after you take a educated guess after observing someone that he or she is nice and good to marry, but then at least you would not blame something stupid like taking chance with marriage without seeing someone.

The link of that person post who married without seeing his wife is below.

http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/69821-my-wife-is-it-normal.html#post836635