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Is It Normal To Hate Someone That Much?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Needtobestrong, Mar 26, 2021.

  1. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Is it normal to hate someone so much?
    If subjected to so much comparison by so many people, it is natural to feel hate towards that "superior" person. It is like that strong flash of envy we can experience when a close friend achieves something we covet. Your "hate" feeling is accompanied by a desire to rise above the comparisons and not have bad thoughts. The whole combination seems quite normal to me.
    That is tough tough tough. Ideally, parents can admire anyone but their love and support for own child should be close to unconditional.

    DDream has a neat suggestion above - agree with husband and in-laws when they praise her. Take that one step further - increase your relationship with Ms. Superior. Befriend her over whatsapp and other social media. Get to know about her life events. Join your husband and in-laws when they sing her praises. In the process, you will get material and information that you can use to tactfully show your in-laws that she is human after all. You will get opportunity to talk about this cousin's husband. When you are part of the praise-the-cousin gang, you can gently once in a while talk about not-praise stuff.

    If you can hold your nose and pull off the above strategy, it might provide some relief. As a bonus, it might also provide some amusement. Do take care though that you don't hurt the cousin, as she is not responsible for your suffering. Try to keep your contact with her as genuine as possible.
     
  2. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    I wrote my answers and only then checked other posters answers..

    I am going through counseling and found all this out :)
    but you guys are already so confident and smart!
     
  3. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    Is it normal? Yes. Very much so. It may even be therapeutic.

    Lockdown has made me watch and keep-up-with some TV serials. The following is pretty much staple to the shows. And as such shows reflect only what we feel in real life.
     
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  4. hrastro

    hrastro Platinum IL'ite

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    Is ANY of this HER fault?? At all? She is just leading her life with her struggles and her ups & downs, she doesnt even KNOW that you have so much hatred against her.

    Your ENTIRE post was about your HATRED for this poor lady who has done NOTHING harmful to you.....

    And this HURTS the lady very badly...

    I've been on the other side... The ladies who suffer like you because of their family's faults - they backbite about me, ask me some "tactful" questions before making totally strange judgements about me, "gently" asking me some pointed questions in front of their family or husband, talk about me behind my back to prove that I'm "bad" because I'm just HUMAN.

    And does this change the family dynamics? There might be a few things they might not care about this particular lady, but comparison will come back about another person they see....

    Is it Normal? Yes ! But is it healthy? Not one single bit !!! Is it productive? Not one bit !!!

    This used to happen with a few of my friends - one was a confident woman, was able to ask me for tips and able to gain the respect from her family - not because of my tips, but because she opened her heart and told them that tell me my strong points, tell me what I do well... then I can do it, I am not HR, I can ask for tips and recipes and books, but I cannot be her. You tell me what I do very well, I can work on it and improve on that. This couple has matured well, her relationships with her family is great now....

    Another woman was another extreme - even her daughters used to tell her that I am the better mom!! That's too cruel...No wonder she used to hate me....She used to ask me "gentle questions" about what I do in the kitchen and later come back and tell me that her DH laughed about me because of some "batter I keep ready in the freezer" - I stopped sharing even the most banal stuff with her...but she still used to come and talk about her troubles with her husband..... Over the years, slowly with gentle encouragement from my end, she learnt not to be jealous about me, she learnt not to gossip with me about anyone, she stopped bothering about other families and worked for her family - and look for her own positives. The daughters still come to me for advice or just to talk but they love their mom... Even her husband has improved and doesnt compare so much...

    Another friend's husband told me in front of her, HR why dont you give her some tips on parenting - your kid is a wonderkid.... I replied to him, with eye contact to my friend - I said for every child, her mother is the best decision maker, because the mother knows her kid the best... So I can give ideas and information, but the decision maker has to be my friend as she is the most intelligent with respect to her kid!! Immediately after that, this friend sat down with me and started talking to me about her issues with her kid and we were able to brainstorm and generate some actions to take forward...

    @Needtobestrong why am I saying all this.... because - due to the constant comparing that YOUR family does, you are UNFAIRLY hating another woman... I missed out on a lot of sisterly affection due to this... maybe your relative is also suffering from the same.
    It REALLY HURTS!! IT IS SERIOUSLY PAINFUL!
    I was home after an emergency surgery, ordered groceries on Amazon and friends came to meet me - they went home and talked with each other about how the cardboard boxes lying around the house are the reason my son got a cold !! I mean, is there any logic... and really - is there ANY point ??

    By hating the other woman, you can never improve YOURSELF. By talking bad about her or proving to your family that SHE is HUMAN is NOT going to change THEIR evaluation of YOU !! They will just find SOMEONE ELSE to COMPARE you with!!!

    Open up to your family, tell them what YOU are good at, when they say something good about the cousin, try to TRANSLATE their words into their expectation from YOU OR ask them directly - "She is a great lady, but What are you expecting ME to do in this situation?" And "If I cannot do this task, can you support me in this manner?"

    Being a woman in this world is NOT easy - you have to be the perfect mom, perfect cook, perfect nurse, perfect caretaker, perfect full-time office worker and perfect full-time homemaker, and you always have to be well groomed, well maintained, never unhealthy, always smiling etc... you get where I am going with this... I can go on and on.....

    Teach that to YOUR family..... you're WASTING your emotions on HATING someone while she might have her own struggles ... The emotions that YOU could have used to understand YOUR family's expectations and asking for their help in specific matters to try to meet some of their expectations...

    For e.g. my friend's husband told her that she is never out on time, whereas HR is always On the Dot & Exactly on time.
    So I asked her more details and we discussed why she was late and we brainstormed some ideas....

    The next time they were supposed to leave at 8 am, she gave them specific instructions - finish your breakfast before 7:30 am so that I can clean up. The kids finished, but the husband would not do it.. So she plated his food - closed it with a lid, cleaned up the place, locked the kitchen utility and told him to leave the plate on the table with a lid. They left ON TIME.
    Just by washing an extra lid later, she saved herself some comparisons with me, she kept her peace and her family's peace.

    I am not saying it is easy @Needtobestrong
    Just that HATING the other woman and looking for HER flaws are ABSOLUTELY USELESS...
    Work at your marriage and your relationships....

    Keep smiling..
    HR
     
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2021
  5. hrastro

    hrastro Platinum IL'ite

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    When I used to get full marks in school, my teachers would pass my answer sheet to everyone for them to "study" my answers and learn to write a crisp, concise, complete answer.... Sometimes my answer sheet used to come back with tiny "X" marks, "0/35" written on it even though I was known to be the kindest, most helpful, go-to person in class...

    @Rihana, This might be very satisfying psychologically to @Needtobestrong ... but it is a school-girl reaction....

    If the cousin's husband is really helping out... and you're able to compare and bring the focus on how the lady's husband helps her during your discussions..... that might stop the comparisons

    But in the long term, it doesnt solve any purpose... Her family is hers, your family is yours...
    You cannot improve your family dynamics by gossiping and backbiting about others......

    For instance, the same friend - when her daughters used to ask for "variety" foods just like HR aunty makes for her son - she really used to try at first - then realised that the daughters tastes are different from my son's tastes ... also, my son is more adventurous about food and will try various stuff, so out of 10 that I try, at least 7 will be loved by him... whereas the daughters are much more picky, so - only 1 out of 10 will work out for her.... huge difference in perception and absolutely no one's fault... why hate when you can love...
    So, my friend started allowing her daughters to cook foods that they wanted - the girls would borrow pans and essence and moulds from me, they would try to make the dishes but they would go back to the mom for her signature special dishes... win-win... in fact recently she made panipuri in 100s and both the daughters served it to the entire friends group with pride... (all of us missing panipuri due to Covid)

    Keep smiling
    HR
     
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  6. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    Also..remember one thing..it is very evident that your in laws WANT to tease you coz they KNOW you WILL get AFFECTED by this..

    Work on your strengths,be aware and do not care.if you do not get affected,it will reflect and they will stop teasing.

    Stop comparing,self doubt and start working on yourself.Your solutions for your life are within you.

    You feel inferior coz you consider the other person your superior.Change your viewpoints the right way.Focus on your strengths and channelize your thoughts differently.

    Mental rewiring works brilliantly if done the right way with reality in touch.

    Good luck dear.
     
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2021
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  7. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Finest Post Winner

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    We all understand you and we are with you.
    Your are envying the cousin only because your inlaws & dh compare you with her.
    Tell them on face "she has a supportive family, that's why she could do". Everytime repeat the same don't change words, slowly tell your dh "her inlaws never stay with her, she has help, without help no one can get successful in all spheres of life"

    1. You stop caring your inlaws , as said earlier do bare minimum. 3 meals no snacks,, nothing make tea coffee put in flask.. Hire cook, when inlaws say why cook, orthodox etc " say that cousin has cook" .
    2. You start focusing on any certification get a job with wfh option. Shut your door for rest of the day.
    3. You go a therapist talk to them. It will help you a lot.
    4. Go for walking daily, keep a schedule.
    5. Stop comparing with others, it will hurt your confidence. Your beautiful person , no one dares to open up on being jealous of another woman. Your basically good soul just need purpose, stay strong.
    6. Use social media with a timer.
     
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  8. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks everyone..thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and not criticising me, rather being supportive..really my mind was filled with resentment and I was in a bad state of mind when I created this thread and just expressed all my irritation...
    Was actually caught with lot of chores and delayed in logging in and responding..will reply as and when I get time..
     
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  9. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    I’m really trying to follow all your constructive suggestions..
    Actually few things which sparked off my resentment are

    1. While I was working in a very high pressure job, there was a family function in a working day, i was unable to take leave and could attend for 2 hours and left for office...that cousin, while being in town during that time, skipped the function saying she was having work in office..while everyone criticised me for not attending fully , no one said a single word about her...her workplace was not far from the function venue and she could have attended. They fully supported her saying that she is in senior position and she can’t take leave...during next family function? She went in a fun trip with her husband precisely during the duration of the family function..later on, met the relatives and told them very sweetly and with fake tears that she was so sorry for not attending, and that she was unable to cancel travel plans..actually date of function was known to her since many months even before her travel plans. I detest such people who sugarcoat their words and not genuine. Also, during the time of same function I myself had long weekend and wanted to go for trip with DH, but we couldn’t go on vacation as we had to attend the function.

    2. On purpose my husband dint bother to wish me for an important occasion ( he forgot the date, but i shamelessly reminded him but he was in bad mood and he refused to wish me or celebrate the occasion with me).. I’m a little sentimental about such things.. But just couple of days later was that cousins wedding anniversary, he wished her promptly and nagged me also to wish...I was upset and dint do so,.he fought with me and dint talk to me for many many days...is this
    the way to behave for relative who is not even immediate family member or sibling.

    3. That cousin has good domestic full time helps who prepare all the stuff like breakfast, lunch, snacks, etc...but her in laws being traditional type want her to cook when they visit her....all vegetables are cut by maid, batters are made by maid, maid keeps rice and dal and does all prep work..just cousin has to stir fry veggies, add appropriate masalas , and maybe keep fresh rice in cooker...it take some her half an hour only in the morning, everyone appreciate her saying how nicely she cooks for in laws and looks after them..when in laws aren’t here, Shen doesn’t even cook, just freezes and stores some stuff and helpers cook all the dishes for her and her husband’s and the kids, just she should make some simple baby food for kids..
    Of course, she doesn’t have to run behind her kids as she has nannies..full times nannies..
    .whereas, I without domestic helps (thanks to Covid ), had to manage much more domestic work with cleaning work no appreciation at all.

    4. Not having job has made me a very bitter and insecure person...Shen is able to afford full time help and such a lifestyle because she earns good. ( but there’s is no need for others to rub it in everytime that she is professionally so good and smart compared to me.)

    It’s like this female is everywhere , even if geographically far away I can’t avoid her completely.

    She is an ordinary person , Still all will keep saying good things about her.
    I’m trying hard to digest my mind towards more useful things, love myself more, do mind relaxation techniques and develop self confidence. But it’s very tough .
     
  10. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    Totally understand your irritation and even I have felt the same in the past..

    but you are the only hurting yourself coz you want APPROVAL from the others that you are good too.So it invokes feeling of insecurity.

    To approve who you are..who the heck are those people? God? They are all talking from their thoughts,opinions and perceptions and there is nothing one can do to change them.

    You know how hard you worked.It does not matter who is better or lower.You tried your best in life.YOU APPROVE YOURSELF ! You are awesome just the way you are! You have so much of plus points in you and am sure of it.

    you know your strengths and accept it.No matter what they say..it does not change the truth of who you really are!

    No one is that perfect to approve you.Why give the power of authority to others?The moment you feel you are enough..trust me the entire dimension changes!

    No matter what they say..it won’t even affect you! Secondly..they themselves will feel like a fool that they cannot break you!

    Is this easy? Yes it totally is.It takes some work but take it as a challenge to change your viewpoint about you.

    The more you feel good about yourself..your life changes!!

    I am someone who suffered from esteem issues and my threads are assurance of that.

    My counseling is helping a lot! If I can do it..so can you!

    Acceptance
    Assurance
    Awareness
    Stop comparison

    are the key to mental strength!It is that easy!

    You are totally fantastic! I guarantee that!

    Mind is the most powerful organ! Yoga,meditation will only aid.You can trick your mind.Just be open to reality which could be painful at first but it gets better.

    Good luck!
     
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2021
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