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Is It Normal To Hate Someone That Much?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Needtobestrong, Mar 26, 2021.

  1. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Since last few years, my In laws don’t respect me at all..it’s a known fact...but my In laws and husband are having big family circle and are very attached to their relatives families...One such cousins’ daughter, who is second cousin is very dear to them, because in-laws have seen her since childhood days...but problem is that they held her in very high position and I’m always compared with her...

    She is married and has kids and has worked in a couple of countries in good jobs..she and her husband earn like crazy have a very high fi lifestyle..

    1. She is intelligent, good looking but not beautiful, she maintains herself with beauty treatments and by wearing stylish branded clothes,..I really think I too am atleast as nice looking as her or maybe better, but my husband doesn’t appreciate me since many years...I’m not that presentable because there are few extra kilos and I’m more simple and having more of natural look and I don’t use cosmetics much or spend much on branded clothes...my husband has stopped caring about me but he always says good things about her..

    2. Always in laws praise her as if She is a Goddess..
    That she is so intelligent and earns well..ok she is intelligent, but she is also very cunning in nature.
    I feel quite uncomfortable with such people..
    They say that she takes such good care of inlaws...but her in-laws don’t live with her, they hardly stay for a month in a year with them ..as they are in foreign country...they have worked in 3 different countries...
    In fact her in laws do not prefer to stay long with her and husband as they have modern lifestyle and they can’t adjust ..
    Her own MIL has always complained about her behind her back on many occasions..

    3. They always praise that She cooks so well..but fact is that she doesn’t cook, she has a full time helper cum nanny with her who takes care of kids and also does cooking...she just makes finishing touches and uploads her dishes pics in on all social media channels...and all go “ooh” and “AHA” over her cooking skills..if i make the exact same dish, no appreciation at all...her husband is very supportive.., she often travels on work related matters and her husband either takes leaves or works from home and looks after the kids and household..everytime...even if he has to make compromise on his own office work for that....my husband is not that supportive , he just needs me as a housekeeper and caretaker of his parents...he doesn’t give a **** about my feelings these days,,.

    4. They always praise she is so traditional..I don’t know what is traditional about her, she wears such skimpy clothes all the time, sleeve less T-shirt and shorts , even in India front of elderly people she used to wear sleeveless low cut dress or sleeveless shirt and shorts..she has thrown away her mangalsutra , she doesn’t wear Bindi or Sindhoor, except some odd festival day...
    I mean, once we had a family get together when she visited India and she was wearing a low cut tight sleeveless one piece dress...her cleavage was clearly visible..
    Don’t know from what angle she is “traditional”..
    I myself dress up in traditional outfits so often and wear saree so gracefully but no one ever appreciated me as traditional , even my husband didn’t give me one word of praise when I dressed up in a beautiful silk saree during his cousin’s wedding...any other man will praise me but my husband will not praise..

    5.In laws praise that she is so fit and slim even after having kids..but she has helpers who prepare special diet food for her, and she has a live in nanny who looks after her kids when she works out in the gym...middle class background ladies like me who don’t have much domestic helps are always caught up with other duties and we are so tired after our chores that we don’t have time even for a cup of tea let alone a gym workout session...due to health issues I’m not able to do heavy workouts.

    6. All praise that she interacts so well with everyone during family functions...but fact is that from many many years, she has not attended a single family function...she uses her vacation days to go to exotic destinations and hang out with friends...when there’s is a family function she will avoid saying that she has some other plan or has office work , or has to travel somewhere...but every week there will be a pic of her partying somewhere or the other...but she is not to be seen in a single family function..it’s unbelievable how she will skip attending very single family function but everyone will still overlook it...

    While I’ve interacted with her many times, I personally don’t have any enemity with her as it’s hi bye relationship...

    But seeing the regard which my husband and in laws have for her has made me have deep seated hatred towards that female...My husband and in laws have openly told that I’m nothing when compared to her, and if I say anything about her I should get out of the house...because I made a counter remark when they compared me with her...once for some occasion like her birthday or wedding anniversary or some such event, I did not wish her,.,I’m not even obligated to wish her as I’m not such a close relative to wish...For that my husband was so angry, he didn’t talk to me for many days...
    In fact I always wondered whether deep down my husband has feelings for her...
    But that’s not true as he considers her as close to a sister..
    If she was his own sister there is some justification but she is a relative on in-laws side..

    Please do not mistake me that I’m jealous of her...I know so many ladies who are more beautiful and more accomplished and more successful and more talented than this female and I m not jealous of them...
    I hate that cousin of his because the respect, appreciation, love and regard that I should have got is taken by her, and because directly or indirectly all point out that she is good and im useless..the comparison shown by in-laws makes me like this...

    In fact, my parents have also interacted with her during few events...
    My own parents, my own parents have praised her and told me that she is much smarter and clever than me and I should be like her...I’m very much shocked by this...she has charmed them so much.

    Many times I feel strong hatred for this cousin..and I keep hoping something very very bad happens to her and sometimes I hope that she does something which make everyone hate her once and for all..I feel very resentful...

    I don’t care much about what in-laws think as they’re old generation people but feeling resentful of the regard which my husband has for her...

    I dont know why I’m being such a mean person...any way I can get over my hatred and stop caring?
    Everytime she posts on social media , I’m just filled with hatred and resentment towards that ***** and keep hoping She didn’t even exist..feeling ashamed for my hatred but unable to control it..

    I really need closure...i want to make myself a good and sensible person who doesn’t get affected by such comparisions and doesn’t have bad thoughts.. how do I do that?
    iyerviji likes this.

  2. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    Stop comparing yourself to her. She may be good or bad, she is not you. You need to focus on you.
    You might have these feelings because your husband says good things about her. I think I might be the same if my husband says the other lady is better than me etc etc. without him appreciating me. It might be the root cause of your jealousy. If your husband is not appreciating and loving you being in his life with words and actions, it will lead to resentment and grudge. That could be the reason you are feeling these thoughts. I hope you are feeling better after you let these out. If you keep it in you it will reflect in your actions (thats what i believe). Anyway, couple of tips to help get over this.
    Stop obsessing over her social media. This will help a lot if you can snooze her, since she is family you might not be block her. I have blocked all of my husband's family from my social media. It gives immense peace to my H.
    Secondly, you start appreciating yourself, without being disrespectful to others. You know you, your worth, and weakness. You want to go to gym, go. do you want o take a spa day, by all means do it and stop looking for validation. Instead of comparing yourself with her, compare your skills, goals, last week to this week, last year to this year, it helps improve you as a person. i do this from time to time.
    This is not good. if you do not have solid evidence stop doing this. It undermines the whole marriage.
    acknowledging is the first step. Unfollow or snooze her. When a relative talk about her to you, divert the topic. or compare that relative to someone else.

    Since you love your H and your H loves you, it is easy to work on that relationship, spend more quality time with him, build and make the connection stronger. Can you tell him that this comparison is affecting you?
    It will get better.
    Needtobestrong and Thyagarajan like this.
  3. drdiva

    drdiva Silver IL'ite

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    Its very bad thaf they compare you to her. According to me it showss their insecurities and bad intentions to make you feel less. And it has affected u deeply..i can feel when u are describing her..She wears wesrern or traditional..or whatever she does should not affectu. You should be your favourite at least.Dont take there words to your heart..You are u and you dont need to be her..If they compare its their problem. Just ignore and Love yourself the way you are..And no need to hate anyone..Atleast u realized at the right time that it is not gud to have feeling of hatred towards anyone..It will affect just u and none else.
  4. Sreevidyaa

    Sreevidyaa Silver IL'ite

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    Yes, it’s possible to hate anyone when one is put down and humiliated. That’s human nature. In this case it happens to be the cousin. If a husband keeps on comparing his wife with others which can be either his mum, sister or others with the intention of putting her down naturally the wife will have an aversion to the other person. Every wife tends to have possessive feelings over her husband and wouldn’t want to be compared. I think this applies to even husband. Would your husband feel good if you compare him to others with regards to his looks, his education or his earning capabilities? Would your in laws be happy if you compare them with well off and caring in laws in your circle? They wouldn’t and would try to stop you and even get angry with you. So you are having normal feelings only. The problem lies with your husband and in laws. If the cousin had been so picture perfect why didn’t your in laws or for that matter even your husband choose her instead of you? These are so absurd and hurtful remarks and I am sorry for what you are enduring. If they ever start to talk same things move out from that place immediately and it will be more noticeable as time goes.
    Needtobestrong and Thyagarajan like this.
  5. lalithasharma9

    lalithasharma9 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi OP,

    After reading your post, I thought will suggest you few tips.

    1. You are unique, you should always compare with yourself not others.
    Leaders will never compare to others, they will show path to others.
    Treat yourself as leader, never have low self esteem and self pity on yourself. Low self esteem and self pity will lead to resentment/anger/frustation and you will lose the essence of life.

    Why do you want to make your life miserable for some one else acheivements/dressing styles/fancy looks? is it even worthy?

    2. you might think it is easy to preach than to face it,
    I totally understand what you are facing
    Even I have faced many issues like this, but this should never bother you

    Your happiness is with in you
    You are the creator of your own destiny
    Your happiness/sadness/anger should not be due to others, never do that, not also due to spouse

    You should always win all these, our outer world might be negative, people surrounding us might be negative, people might be rude/insensitive to us but as long as your inner world is strong, positive, these should not matter at all.

    If some one including your loved ones says MR/MRS X is better than you

    You say Thank you, if you think that person is better she is

    They thinking that person is better is their opinion, opinions need not be true always. Still they are opinions

    Like you might like a dish , I might not like vice versa , difference he is since he is your husband you are emotionally connected to him.

    Love your husband , be emotionally attached but same time be detached when necessary.

    This is true for all relations to maintain our inner peace and their inner peace

    We don't have control on what others speak( including our family members) but we have complete control on how we take it, will it effect our happiness or not

    I know you are super busy in you house hold work, from that super busy schedule as soon as you wakeup

    Take 5 mins for yoga+ 5 mins for breathing + 5 mins for meditation

    You will win over all these

    Wish you good luck
  6. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Your insecurity or lack of confidence make you negative. Nothing else.
    Your dh and inlaws knows about this and using against you. They think you are jealous of her.. Unfortunately you are falling to their trap. You can't force them to change their opinion. You have your own opinion. So think about your response.

    What you can do.
    *Be the best version of yourself
    * show your dh and in-laws their comments about her dont worry you a bit. Be happy for her.
    * next time if your husband praises her, agree with that . Yeah she is very nice. Then praise her husband. Like she is very lucky to have such a supportive husband. He is very modern so he allows her to wear those clothes. He helps her in household jobs. He support her with her dreams.....find points ..

    * in case of your inlaws, do the same. Agree with them then talk like..yeah.. she got such a great inlaws...make them insecure..sometimes taste of same medicine helps.

    * OR just ignore...who cares about their opinion... you have so many other things to focus. Spend your time on positive things.

    * find your own happiness.
    * stop comparing yourself with others or stop listening to people comparing you with any other person.

    Its good that you could realize the negativity inside you. Thats a first step. Accept it. Stop following her in social media or anywhere. All these show off are to the outside world. You may not have any idea about her struggles. Facebook is fakebook in someway.

    “Everybody Is Unique and Special in Their Own Way”,you too.
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2021
  7. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    @Needtobestrong Do you love yourself ? If not then work on things which will make you happy
    You need to get out of the game your mind is playing on you . You need to be strong mentally
    Needtobestrong and Thyagarajan like this.
  8. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    @Needtobestrong Your inlaws and H are of type, even they get beauty like Aishwarya Rai, they find faults and make same comments if she allows them. The question is will Aishwarya Rai(or You) allow it?
    Needtobestrong and Thyagarajan like this.
  9. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    Can i ask you something. leave everything out.

    do you want to have this mental war forever. where you are asking for validation from others. I have huge respect for all the ILs here. You got good answers here. If you can implement and it helps you emotionally grow up it is good.

    Otherwise if after another month, you come back with the same issue, it is time you have to self reflect if you want the same environment or live alone with self respect.
  10. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    By comparing your inlaws are very mean..but I personally do not think you should hate that girl coz she did not do anything wrong.Your anger should not be directed towards her but the people who compared.

    Even my inlaws will compare me with my cousins but never once I hated my cousins only my inlaws.

    What i did was try to improve my self esteem.Maybe I was insecure about something and I wanted to keep in check with that.

    I think everyone has their own strengths, everyone is unique and we cannot expect and should not expect approval from anyone.You define you and not others.It does not matter what size, or what height or what color or what education matters.Society is completely brainwashed by external influences.What matter is you are enough just the way you are and you are special in your own way.

    We should never try to be another person.We should strive to be a better version of ourselves.The less you compare and be true to yourself,be accepting of who you are..the more peaceful your life will become and others words won't even affect you.

    No matter what we do..there are always lot of people waiting to rip us apart.We just need to work on our strengths with a touch of reality.

    For sure you must be having lot of strengths about you.Find it by self reflecting and focus on progressing and be who you are.You will feel fantastic!

    I am going through counseling for few months and I am noticing a positive change in myself and I just shared this if it could help you:)

    take care and god bless.

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