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:( Is it normal for Spouse to contact his/her Ex after a span of many years almost 7

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Hyral, Jul 17, 2014.

  1. Hyral

    Hyral Gold IL'ite

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    Hi All,
    I know its wrong to snoop over DH's emails. But I went to his email to fetch some attachment that I wanted to share with my colleague.
    And I know I shouldn't be doing this but I ended up opening his chat logs and there I found that apart from he chatted with his friend he did send 'Hi' only msg to his ex on June 2.
    Also , this made me to check his another yahoo a/c on which they have chatted those days of 2004 over yahoo msgr...so on Yahoo email I saw he has send her 2 emails with blank content only 'Hi' written in subject one on May 29 & another on May 30
    My husband is less expressive but to this gal I assume might be her 1st love he was too expressive in his emails sent to her earlier back in 2004. which I have read soon after marriage...(thats another story) and I did ask him abt her...and he was angry as expected...
    I was transparent in telling about my crushes & love life much before we got married.
    He was normal on knowing ...didnt react like typical guys do...

    But am really feeling insecure...why the hell he has a need to contact his ex.
    I am really v upset over this...our relationship is going great but from past 2 days due to some other household reason we arent talking to eachother and yest only i found out this...am feeling sad...I did vent out to my bestie and she said am over reacting and i shouldnt be snooping also she said DH is all mine...but i told her...even if thats true...Him messaging her ex signifies he thought of both of them for a while no matter how small he would have thought of...coz it was nt just hi msg send on one day it was for 2 consecutive days and later again in June after few days.

    What you thinks ILS...is it normal? what should I be doing now...am scared...she havent replied yet to him but what if she does...am scared on thinking what if they get in touch again...:-(

    My point here is why us or our spouse has a need to contact ex what for? that too if never in touch for so many years than why now ???
     
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  2. Akanksha1982

    Akanksha1982 IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: :( Is it normal for Spouse to contact his/her Ex after a span of many years almos

    i think you are overreacting. You are saying that your relationship is going great so keep it at that. Don't bring this incident up to him. The only thing it will do is next time he will be overly careful. Just remove those weird thoughts from your mind.

    With social media, people do get tempted to peek into people that they have known in the past. So don't worry.
     
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  3. darmesh

    darmesh Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: :( Is it normal for Spouse to contact his/her Ex after a span of many years almos

    Why don't you people learn from History ? History is replete with instances where a woman shares such an intense personal secret with another 'best' friend of her. This 'best friend' will share the same with another 'best friend' of her. The third one with another 'best friend'......the cycle goes on and on.

    Please never share such intense personal secrets with the best friends of your real life. You will become an object of gossip in your workplace soon.

    Share it in this website, that is fine, but never with real friends ! By the time you burn your fingers and learn the lessons, enough harm might have already occurred !
     
  4. LotusAura

    LotusAura Gold IL'ite

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    Re: :( Is it normal for Spouse to contact his/her Ex after a span of many years almos

    If anything in your marriage makes you feel uncomfortable, or does not feel right, it needs to be discussed. And feeling upset or depressed about your husband trying to repeatedly initiate contact with his ex-lover is not over-reacting. It is the normal reaction of most people who face this. How you tackle this issue depends on your equation with your husband. But, if you're afraid that he will flare up in anger, then that's not a healthy reaction to the genuine concerns of a wife. Brushing issues behind the veil of anger to stop/prevent any further discussions in itself means that the other spouse is uncomfortable to deal this issue upfront with his wife, which does not happen if there's nothing to hide or wrong about it. And if there's nothing wrong, then why should anyone be uncomfortable talking about it?

    Going by your post, it is quite clear that he's trying to initiate communication with her even though she's ignoring it. May be because she's married too and long over your DH and much in love with her own husband and finds your husband's contact weird just like you do. Ultimately, you're the best judge of your situation. And do be sensible in handling this as this may or may not be what you're thinking.
     
    Last edited: Jul 17, 2014
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  5. Hyral

    Hyral Gold IL'ite

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    Re: :( Is it normal for Spouse to contact his/her Ex after a span of many years almos

    Thanks, I have still decided upon talking to abt these emails coz in past soon after marriage when I found out of my own from his emails to this gal that my DH loved this gal...he was very upset and angry of me snooping emails and he was like...'u dont trust me etc etc' so i dont wanna talk abt this to him...also wanting to wait if that gal replies or if my DH agains tries to contact her...than I plan to talk to him abt this...

    Am feeling damn angry right now...i know 1st love is difficult to forget etc....but that doesnt mean it has to be brought back to memories again.
     
  6. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: :( Is it normal for Spouse to contact his/her Ex after a span of many years almos

    OP,

    you are over reacting. As this is a repeat of the past where you have gone through his stuff, you mustn't being this up right now with your husband. Yes. You ought not have snooped. Has your husband been unfaithful to you that you have lost trust in him? Yes, he said hi more than once. But that doesn't mean you let it take up more space in your mind or relationship than it needs to.

    Remember you can't erase the past. It is a part of who he is. Look forward. Resolve the other issue you have with your husband in a mature manner. Carry on with life. It was after all great before you went through his stuff...
     
  7. Shina

    Shina Gold IL'ite

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    Re: :( Is it normal for Spouse to contact his/her Ex after a span of many years almos

    I would suggest not discussing it as then he will make it very secure with passwords etc.. And u will start doubting even more even if nothing is going on. Plus it hurts men's self respect and integrity a lot when wife doubts him like this and can really affect ur relationship.its hard not to bring this up but do not mention if u do not want to get blocked out by him.

    secondly i would advise never to snoop as it starts a vicious cycle of firstly mistrust from wife's side and then husband feeling that his privacy is violated and him password protecting stuff and being secretive which leads to wife mistrusting even more and so on. So never snoop.

    Also learn to trust him. do not let ur imagination run ahead of urself. you are overreacting so please stop over thinking and distract yourself. Use ur time wisely in strengthening ur relationship and not in imagining what might happen. Just try very hard to forget all this , do not doubt him and work towards strengthening ur relationship.all the very best.
     
    Last edited: Jul 17, 2014
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  8. Weasly

    Weasly Gold IL'ite

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    Re: :( Is it normal for Spouse to contact his/her Ex after a span of many years almos

    Dear Op,
    I feel you are waaaaaay better than his ex-girlfriend! If you hadn't been, your husband would have been married to her and not you !!
    Still, if you are feeling insecure, just discuss it with your husband, more in a 'feeling vulnerable' kind of state rather than 'suspecting and snooping' kind of state!
    If you keep it inside you then it might come out someday, maybe when you guys have a fight or when you are under rage, then it would be difficult to handle!

    JMO !!
     
  9. Pallavi4me

    Pallavi4me Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: :( Is it normal for Spouse to contact his/her Ex after a span of many years almos

    Hyral, Just a 'Hai' may not mean anything except a "Hai". He might have seen her online and casually would have pinged her. As you say, it was 7 yrs back relationship, both of them would have moved on. So dont worry much.
     
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  10. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: :( Is it normal for Spouse to contact his/her Ex after a span of many years almos

    it could be just a curiosity about how life and marriage has turned out for her.
     
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