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Is it due to the problems after my marriage?!!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by MahiSree, May 10, 2010.

  1. MahiSree

    MahiSree Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,
    I want to share some of my feelings and seek your help dear friends.
    I am a Mom of 1 year old kid and also a working woman.
    All went well till i completed my graduation.

    Problem started when i started my career in a low-profile(?!) company.
    Being weak-hearted, i was exploited by my so-called friends for their personal well-being.

    I mean, in terms of better career. I am a good teacher as all would say right from my school days.
    All made use of my knowledge and started a better career.
    Without realising that even, i suffered.

    Finally one of my true friend(really true) slapped me to wake me up and i got a better career.
    Till then it was all a rising start.
    I should always mention, at all my tough times my parents were with me to boost me.

    Things again changed once i got married.
    As many would face, i too did face problems due to misunderstanding with my in-laws.
    i got conceived the very next month of my wedding. Added to my sickness, my personal problems grew up.
    This affected my career a lot and i started working badly.

    Yes really. Something mentally had hit me it seemed. Inspite, i used to control a lot so that my baby should not get affected. I managed and got a lovely son.
    Now being with my in-laws, though they're good at heart, sometimes even if they say a small word, it hits me a lot.

    Donno y. i burst to my hubby in their absence for no reasons sometimes. He would give back too but that good soul understood my problem. He would always convince/encourage me to think positive and act.
    i am also doing (or trying?! not sure)

    But it continues in my career also. To confess, i often work half-mindedly which is leading to some back feedback on me by my officials, which they feel that though i have good potential ,why in recent days am doing like this.

    Am i really turning mad? Am scared becoz' i want to grow up my kid with good attitude and confidence, but am lacking in that. Am i not? :(

    Please friends, help me out. Suggest me how should i win my own mind...

    (Indus Ladies is the only platform which is filtering out my ill-feelings of myself temporarily, whenever i get connected to it. i really mean it guys)
    ~MahiSree
     
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  2. ilite

    ilite Senior IL'ite

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    Hi MahiShree,

    Your post is a little confusing to me. Maybe if you can elaborate on the problems you had it would give a better picture.

    If you feel everybody around you is good- your family, husband, inlaws , but still you feel lack of concentration and anxiety, I would suggest you see a doctor and get your hormones checked. Sometimes they go bust during stressful situations (your previous job, initial stages of marriage, having the baby etc). If they find any imbalance, the medication helps you feel better.

    All the best.
     
  3. MahiSree

    MahiSree Gold IL'ite

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    Hi ilite,

    Thanks for your suggestion.
    As u said, i shall elobarate my problem.

    Initially i had problems with my in-laws as they thought that i would seperate them from their only son. But i never thought of that even.

    And, my MIL was/is so particular in watching all the mistakes i would make when i do household/cooking works and also she'd always check if i give anything to my mom's house unknowingly.
    This i hate a lot.

    (But she had been very decent in not asking my bank balance or asked no dowry. Neither my FIL. that aspect i like in them the most.)

    One irritating thing is whenever i ask my DH to do any help during household or if he tries to help me, immediately my in-laws would say that 'its ladies work. Y u r involving in it'.
    Though both come tired from work, he would be given preference for everything and i only had to prepare everything for him.

    This blaming continues in taking care of my kid also.
    Repeated sayings like 'The food u prepared is not good/overcooked/undercooked', 'Kid is crying only if he's with u', 'Y u r asking him (my DH) to work always', 'u havent cleaned the house properly'...irritates me a lot.

    So i started comparing my Mom for every word i get from my MIL.
    Unknowingly this had created a sense of sickness in me and i hav started to do every work with the mindset that 'Aiyo..atthai shouldnt blame this' 'she shouldnt comment on this'...

    The same thoughts prevail in office work also. After i come herem i would think 'Have i cleaned the kitchen before leaving?' ' Have i washed the vessels used for cookg'...something or the other hits me now and then...

    Though my in-laws appreciate me to others that i always care for them and very adjusting, i think trying to be more perfect in all my household work has created a fall in my career growth.

    Donno if am right...Correct me friends...
     
  4. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

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    If Money is not the problem why don't you hire a maid to do all the cleaning and washing. So, you won't be thinking about it at work.
    All the nagging has hit your self esteem.
    You can't change people around you. You have to take care of yourself first.
    Ignore all the comments. You can't please all in everything you do. As long as you know you have done to your best don't respond to any comments or react to any comments.
    Read some self help books, Pray and associate with positive minded people.
     
  5. mithy232

    mithy232 Silver IL'ite

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    Mahi,

    Like ilite said, check your hormones.

    I guess you suffer from post marriage depression. You are unable to balance work and family. It happens. Why don't you take a break from your work and relax for few days.

    Is your MIL not interested in you going for work?? If so learn to IGNORE and keep going. Have a talk with your DH about your problems and seek his help.
     
    Last edited: May 10, 2010
  6. ALPA

    ALPA Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi dear,
    i am sorry to hear about your problem the best thing to do is go away for a short break with your DH and son do not think about home but just yourself have a heart to heart talk with your DH and if you feel you cannot cope up, leave your job for some time and think what you want to do, you are letting things get to you don't, if your MIL is pointing out mistakes don't take it to heart infact take it as a learning step and this will make youa more better housewife and tell your MIL thank you for pointing out the mistakes, my mum does that and also my elder sis at work does that and then the next time i do my work better and i get a great result it really works.
    Do not stress
    love
    alpa:cheers
     
  7. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    I think you are very confused with marraige and immedialty baby and lot of responsabilities around the house and the carrier.Even for the women who are well pepared for the baby too,get lost between the new born and carrier.
    So don't stress yourself too much.Take it easy things and spend more time with your baby and don't take stress for your MIL words.
    If you think you can't manage the house,see you can hire some domestic help and focus on kid and the carrier.
    Or you need to keep low porfile on carrier sometime and concentrate more on the kid and your physical strength.Once the kids turn 3+ then you can regain your physical and mental sterngth.
    So nothing is your fault here and it's all about high time with new born.
    I think your husband should able to explain to his mother that you need your help or ask your husband to take care of the baby while you are doing other works.
    Think cooly and plan well and don't take any stress.
     
  8. MahiSree

    MahiSree Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks a lot Priya, Alpa, ARS, Mithy and ilite.
    Your words gave me a new strength and refreshment.:)

    Really i need a break as u all said. Want to be free from all pressures.

    I try a lot to ignore the comments on me. Sometimes, i fail in my efforts.
    During that time, i feel like crying and would start thinking of my parents.
    Though am from a middle class family, how happy i was with them and my siblings.

    I know that, in every women's life, this would happen.
    hmmm...Missing the beloveds at our home.

    I even tried to pursue some diploma or degree in Fashion designing as am very much interested in it.
    But work round the clock to balance work and home has prevented me temporarily.

    Well, thanks again guys. i shall try to build myself to wipe off the unwanted worries.
    And another help guys, can anyone suggest a good book to read which would be a kind of boost to me?
    (Sorry if am boring with my story..Please bear it)

    ~MahiSree
     
  9. 1dropLove

    1dropLove Bronze IL'ite

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    Positive thinking & Law of attraction-WORKS!

    Iam facing the same problem but my DH is not supportive at all....its like i have 2 MILs-DH & MIL.I used to read some positive thinking,law of attraction stuff and it worked wonders.But it needs constant focus on your thoughts and replacing the negative ones with positive ones and appreciating people around you especially those who create contrast (problems,belittle or nag you).
    I dont know how you can manage since you're working but I'd strongly advise you to read 'the secret' novel on 'relationships' and be positive all the time.To go deeper,if you have time you should read 'ask and it is given' by Abrahim Hicks (download it from net) or go to his forum.It is about how your vibration can attract good or bad people or stuff in life.I hope it helps.
     
  10. ilite

    ilite Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Mahi,

    From your second post, my inference is that you have a 'perfectionist' MIL. Some MILs are by nature and a few others turn that way only when it comes to DILs. In either case, like the others suggested, try to get a helper, if possible ( I know of a who friends whose MILs are against letting these 'intruders' step in). Also, I have heard in quite a few joint households the MILs don't like their DS helping their wives(Can't understand it , though).

    If that's not possible, try to do as much as possible and learn to ignore the comments of your MIL on these things. Try to build a good relationship with DH (communication, short breaks, frequent visits to your family etc, which will relax u .). I would not suggest your DH talking to your MIL about this as it will create more confusions at home, sometimes just a little sympathy from him and reassurance that he understands give us a lot of strength (IMO). Also, he keeps helping you with household stuff as I understand he does now. Over time even your MIL will get used to this and stop her nagging.

    Once things are a little better at home, the career part will fall in place by itself. For now just focus on keeping urself happy as you mentioned in your recent post and have a good filtering system to take just what makes you happy and ignore everything else unless its a major issue.

    I have not read any self-help books, but the chicken soup series help me , they are a source of inspiration and help us to look at the larger picture in life and ignore insignificant stuff.

    All the best
    ilite

     

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