Is it common to Feel Lonely in a Foreign country?

Hi Preethii,

My answer would also be YES. But I USED TO feel lonely. Not any more.

Left country very unexpectedly right after marriage when I had just turned 22. Was supposed to be a 3 month trip. Now 8.5 years later, we still haven't been able to settle back at home. The first 5 years living away was quite an experience. We lived in Japan - no friends, no neighbours to speak English too.

First 3 months were difficult, but I realised I was just wasting all the freedom and independence. I'd walk around all day exploring new places. I was the typical tourist while my husband was away working. I'd carry snacks and water along with a local area map or book and walk around until my feet could no more. Now that I think of it, I would love to be there again!!!

When ever loneliness crept in, I'd find something to do, but NEVER OVERLOAD. I did not mind sitting around too..lol That was fun too. When I started building my life and home away from home, I started realising what I was missing could be recreated where ever I was. Photos of family hung on my walls, learned to make mom's or MIL's signature dishes, learned languages, craft, got to be an expert in cleaning..lol- that was my full time job at time. Its not difficult to find something to do and like it too. It becomes a habit and you'll find ways to kick the monotony and loneliness out. Besides with internet and phone, the world has really become a smaller place.

We have moved around a lot though. And every city we visited, I still do the same, I'll pick up a day pass or weekly pass in the local transport and would go around exploring. The more I knew the city, the more it felt like home. I always felt, its the lack of familiarity that makes us feel lonely and miss what we DO know. Why let that happen? Get to know your neighbours, Indian or not need not matter. Know the local food and culture, places - especially markets and parks are my favourites. I know the postman, the security or the concierge, the green grocer and the florist or even a couple of employees at the supermarkets where I visit frequently. These people are the ones I befriended when I visited a new place. Someone to talk to or even as simple as a familiar face to smile at.

Now we have quite a few neighbours, some who have turned out to be excellent friends, some not YET. We keep organising meets every now and then. Be it a festival to have dinner together or a dull rainy Wednesday when we ladies pack our lunches, what ever it is, and eat together at someone's place. Like school days, we'll pass around the boxes and it brings so much happiness. A movie afternoon or a day to go out together for shopping. Its the small things you do to connect with people and you never know who'll turn out to be more than just a neighbour or an acquaintance.

After all these years of shifting and moving and making new homes where ever we go, we've managed to see so many places, make friends all the way (acquaintances too ) and learn to live life anyway and everywhere. I am in my 15th home now (this is ever since we got married - overall its 27 ..lol ) and still loving it and loving the changes life's brought in.

I keep telling friends, its the wife and the child who have to go through a lot when moving to a new country. The husband has his work to look forward to. All I had was to look forward to him coming back home from work everyday to make my day better. But now we make it happen for each other. Unless I am happy where I am, he's not going to have a smooth life either.

 

IndianinBayArea,

Vedic scriptures talk about being like a tortoise - to pull yourself within yourself. That is also our culture.

I am not saying that you need not participate in the love and nurturing that your family and relatives bring. You should, by all means. But since OP's family has moved to a foreign land for something better, I feel it is unfruitful of her to think of her friends and relatives and make herself sad. Life offers all kinds of situations. The person who takes every situation in his stride is always happy. By the way, this is also in our culture.

 

Glad you found it useful Preethii. I am sure you'll get used to life away from home. Its kind of fun sometimes having your own home to run too. I still say the best thing about my life here is "Kekkarthukku aal illai" lol
(That is Tamil for - No one to question you). Its the best time you'll get to get closer to your husband too.
So make the best of it!! All the best dear

 

Hi Tanoshii,

Whenever I am too depressed due to loneliness..I just open your post read it..this motivates me so much...actually I read this post last week for the first time...I taught let me post what I was going thru in this forum..I just wanted to vent out my feeling of loneliness in IL..I live in Brighton....moved here in Feb with DH... I am struggling to keep my mind busy...with no Indians in this city..taught let me just start somewhere to make friends...first step Library...well nothing much there...explored city..shopped for few days...learnt cooking....browsing, cleaning, walking...ahhh still struggling to make friends....me and DH usually explore around Brighton on weekends...but week days..I go mad... ((

 

When loneliness strikes me, i keep saying this to myself ' If you dont get what you like, then better to like what you get' . After certain age it is difficult to get close friends. Women after marriage do not keep in touch with their girl friends due to many reasons. Few lucky women get such good group where everyone has same wavelength. I too have many acquaintances during our cross-county moves, but i manage to spend my time with who ever is willing to share their time,even if it means im meeting them for only once.

I watch good movies, try to be cheerful from within, laugh aimlessly (it helps so much) and do window shopping. I have realised that I cannot have friends now like at school or college. So im my best friend now(sounds silly but it works!) I tend to get more lonely and depressed for no reason if I sit in the 4 walls of the house. Once i got my driving license I too explored the city,learnt to drive with GPS, joined gym, bollywood dance classes with my little girl. I realised that if I cant get happiness (what i aimed for) doesnt mean that I cannot give it to others/ I should make people around me unhappy.

With change in attitude I can see smile on my kids faces. I feel happy when my kids say Im their best friend (did not find one but I could be one !) Reading books also gives me immense happiness. Now I have so many activities that Im not having time to relax.

Good luck to you,my friend. Start your day with a smile and dont forget to bring back the same smile home to end your day. So the thought process between the start and end determines your state of mind.Live life to the fullest.

 

Hello Pman16,

Thank you for reply.

First thing I sat and listed the things which is bothering me so much

No Indians/Indian community - So what it is not imp at all )
No Friends Yet - I might make one or two eventually.
Everyday going out may not be possible - its okay..there are so many ways to spend time at home either watch movies or some shows, cooking, cleaning...
I have just started searching for a job, till I find it, this is an amazing opportunity for me to have 'Me Time'.

I keep complaining to my DH that UK is so expensive, Brighton is so expensive, bad weather or something is not good, India so much better..well as you said correctly 'If you dont get what you like, then better to like what you get' )

Yesterday and Today, I woke up with a big smile, kept myself busy the whole day...I am having fun..

Thanks to You.

 

Tanoshii and Pman16,great replies - very motivating!

Preetii,good you initiated this thread! YES,most of us feel lonely/depressed abroad. Especially when
-you have been moving every few years to a new country.By the time you learn about the place,its way of life-its again pack-up time.
-You move from a place which seemed like heaven,in terms of people and transport etc to where I have moved to recently.No friends/relatives.No reliable transport, No driving no life. Me no can drive! Stuck at home 24*5.
No shops,no libraries in walking distance! Would you believe its summer already..
- No friendly neighbors or indians.Though having Indians close by is not a big deal,if you don't connect with them.One needs to gel with a person.
But like others say,I need to learn to like what I have ,one doesn't always get a choice in life! I can make my life hell and consequently my loved ones unhappy by getting into depression. So need to shake myself out of it.
HOW? Waiting for more tips from you all....

 

How to deal with homesickness was my first thread here,i had posted it in the General discussion forum,may be dear Tanoshii remember as she had posted and encouraged me as well,but did not get enough responses.Though i don't feel lonely but yes homesick,at times very badly. Do not have any Indians in my neighbourhood,those who are neighbours neither they know my language nor i know their :bang.so if Godforbid i ever happen to saw any one,all i can say/do is smile :hide:

 

Hi,

I am going thru the same thing... But I want to take small steps in changing my taught of being lonely by doing something everyday..whatever comes in my mind...even though it might be boring.. )
I think there is no step by step solution for this..but have to try and push that loneliness, homesickness feeling out of our mind..

When in comes to Indians, there was a funny instance happened to me - There is only one continental store in the city I live...I went for some shopping..I saw a Indian lady (may be in 30s, wearing salwar) the min I saw her..I jumped out with joy and told my husband...look look there is an Indian lady..I want to go and say Hi..DH gave me a smile and said okay..I went to her and said 'Hi, you are from which part of India', she said 'yes' gave me a look and just walked off...I was so embarrassed in front of DH..he said..okay hope at least now you realize that Indians/ Indian community is not imp'. )

Sorry if I written something apart from the topic..