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Is it better to hide our marriage problems from aquaintances....for how long?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sihi, Dec 10, 2007.

  1. sihi

    sihi Senior IL'ite

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    Hi ladies,

    As most of know (for those who read my previous thread) that me and my hubby have lots of issues in our married life. Its been like this on and off from 1.5 years. At that time I had told few of my close friends about our issues..but no one in my office knew it. And I had thought its just a passing phase so no use telling it to everyone. Things were just getting better, then during our India trip and back...again we have major issues now...to the extent that my hubby refuses to attend any get-togethers, potlucks, functions or anything with me and my kid. Last year also he did the same but at that time, the kid was young so it was ok. But now she is 2yrs old and she needs to be with people and playing. Initially I avoided 1-2 functions thinking that if I go alone everyone will ask and I will feel bad....but then I thought atleast for my daughter's sake and her social life I should go. She will be able to play with kids here...esp in this winter time and no relatives around in this country. So I mustered courage and went alone with kid for a couple of functions telling that either my hubby is sick or busy with work. But how long can I do this...obviously people will come to know and start gossiping. And this time I have even hinted my manager at work that I have problems at home...because I had to skip one of my official trips and I could not lie. He is ok and understanding. I felt better after hinting him...atleast I don't have to hide or lie anymore.
    My dilema is..how long can I hide our situation with other people and social circle? is it good to hide or tell them that we have problems in our marriage? Like I said, few of my close friends do know the situation. But I feel its not good to tell all my aquaintances (who are not friends) about our situation. Like in our community we have potlucks and I have till now given one or the other reason to no go..but how long can I keep giving reasons? This time I am thinking I will tell them, because even now if I give some reason, I am pretty sure they can guess theres something wrong.....but I feel they are not so close enough to share all this.
    I donno what should I do...ladies please guide me if its better to tell or continue to hide? if hide...for how long? OR should I let them guess and gossip behind our backs? I am fed up of our situation..donno what to do..its more like this:bang. I am more worried of how this is all affecting my daughter and her social circleRant. why does not my hubby understand all this :bang....

    Regards,
    Sihi
     
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  2. Sujimallige

    Sujimallige Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear sihi,
    First and foremost thing in marriage- NEVER DISCUSS UR MARRIAGE ISSUES with any acquaintance.
    I am busy right now and shall reply in detail later,but in the meanwhile pls dont talk ur personal issues with anybody.Write it out in IL if u want.
    Take care
    Suji
     
  3. Blondie

    Blondie Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Sihi,

    As Suji said do not discuss your marraige with aquaintances. What do you hope to gain by doing this? With your manager at work it is understandable to hint at marital discord but also know that this will cast a dim light on your person skills with your manager for affecting work due to personal problems.

    Marital problems should be discussed only with:

    1. Concerned spouse(your husband)
    2. Concerned spouse(your husband)
    3. Concerned spouse(your husband)
    4. person whom you hold in high esteem and whose advice you will follow with trust
    5. person whom your husband holds in high esteem and will follow their advice.

    and 4 and 5 should be trusted not to let the whole world know of your disagreements. In absence of such people, a marraige counsellor who is liked by both of you.

    And remember the telugu saying intinti ramayanam (every house hold has its ramayana) and all marraiges go thru ups and downs and the journey does not become easier by yelling out your pain at each bump. You(both of you) have to learn from previous mishaps and take care not to bump your toe another time.

    Wis you all the good luck....
     
  4. puni88

    puni88 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Sihi,
    It is not good to share your problems with everybody.
    There will be lots of pros and cons when you share your problems.
    Some people might take advantage of you.
    We can list many disadvantages ....
    People would never think that everybody will have some or the other problems in life, but they will just make fun of others.
    Please stop worrying about social get togethers etc...

    Things will get better, only thing is your husband needs a good startup.
    Don't worry, keep your spirits high and try working with your husband.

    Take care,
    Punitha
     
  5. sihi

    sihi Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks for all the responses. Yes, true that we should not tell it to outsiders and it should be within the four walls. I till now have not shared it with anyone...my close friends know that we have some mis-understandings and they think that its like any other normal couple. But the situation I am in right now (after the cops thing), its becoming tough for me to manage and hide our situation.
    If my hubby keeps avoiding to go anywhere outside....or there are instances where our aquaintances or even my collegues have seen him eating alone in restuarants....how do I deal with it, when those people come and tell me...we saw your hubby the other day..why were you not there? I feel bad and try to answer something to ward it off. Now I am feeling that I am out of reasons to give to people...how long can I keep giving the same reasons?
    I even asked my hubby about this and he says...better tell them..esp our desi neighbors. He says they might have seen cops cars in front of our house other day and all that. I told him that it does not mean anything...cops can come for variuos reasons. But he is not ready to listen....he went and told 2 of his friends about it....now they have stopped talking to us. I told him that they are all outsiders and should be kept in distance....this test has shown him if they are real friends or not, but he thinks that they are more closer to him than his own wife and still confides in them!! I feel bad for it when he goes to a friend and talks about our situation. He thinks I don't like them thats why I am saying all such things about them! He thinks I am being manipulative! I also know that its not good to go on telling everone we know that we have problems. I donno how to make hubby of mine understand this:bang
    He is not ready to listen to anyone...nor talk with me...nor ready to goto counselling. Its like a deadlock....donno where all this is leading to. He is kind of stuck and not ready to move on...and I am not sure of how long I will be able to handle all this in such situations.
    So wanted to get some ideas from the ladies who have goine thru such situations. I know some of you ladies had similar rough patch and all the 911 issues.....how did you guys manage with the social circle at that time?
    Regards,
    Sihi
     
  6. sihi

    sihi Senior IL'ite

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    Also wanted to add, that he is not willing to talk in person to me....so thought emails might help here. But emails he is holding them as written proofs (Which he himself told) so now I am scared to send him any email. How do I talk to him now? The moment I go and speak to him, he walks out of the house. I feel like there is dead end everywhere.
     
  7. puni88

    puni88 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hello Sihi,
    Until unless you feel guilty, things will haunt you.
    So it is better to take it lightly and move on..
    I mean, in everybody's life there would be some bitter moments..
    So stop worrying about it.
    If someone asks you be bold and confident.
    Don't feel low or look low.
    Please stop worrying about outsiders.
    Enjoy your time with you kid. Seeing that your husband might change.
    Sometimes, its in our hand that how we shape up our family.
    So don't worry about others.
    They will talk 101 things. Be strong.


    ~Punitha
     
  8. puni88

    puni88 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hello,
    Just give some time to heal the bitter things..

    Don't push too much, he may over react to it.

    ~Punitha
     
  9. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Sihi,

    Glad to hear back from you. I wonder what happened to you after I did not hear from you at all. If your husband is holding your emails has written proof..well hand good !! He slapped you so you called 911 by mistake. So this "written proof" benefits you more than him !!!

    Regards,
    Kavya



     
  10. Blondie

    Blondie Bronze IL'ite

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    Just have a standard answer for these kind of prying questions Sihi. "I really don't know what i was busy with on that day, you should have asked my dear husband him self on that day" would suffice. And also remember 99% of the time this is just an idle question since they don't know what to talk about and they won't really pay attention to your answer.
    And for his not being responsive to your overtures, if in your heart you believe that you both can make it and lead a happy life, then show him that you deeply care about him (i don't need to spellout all the ways a wife can show her husband that she cares about him). if after all this, it still doesn't work you at least have the clear conscious that you have given your 100% to make your marraige work. Only you will know what action to take then.

    hope this helps....
     

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