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Is inviting friends necessary at this time??

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by livelife, Dec 27, 2009.

  1. livelife

    livelife New IL'ite

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    Hi...this is my first post on indusladies.

    I am married for 4yrs now.Have 2 kids of age difference of only 2yrs.My parents were here for my delivery and my DH created hell lot of problems with them and me.Leaving me cry/disappointed/frustrated/angry and what not:-(.
    Parents went back to india, and its just few days now.I have still not come out of the crazy fights he had with us.
    He seems to not bother about anything that happened and if the topic is taken up, then he just starts blaming us for everything and tells all ill about my parents, which leaves me hurted.(I think I will have to write all about what happened later to ask you people for advice, as for now I dont have time for that).

    Now my daughters birthday is comming up, and he wants me to arrange a party for 4 to 5 families.I am stuck with moodiness all the time.Also with no help and with 2 small children I dont know if I should at any cost do all the cooking and celebrate.When I told him if its necessary to party this time, he comes up with all crap answers,like you go to all the friends houses to have all their food.you are a shameless creature....etc etc.he is very good in abusing anyone with filthy languages.
    I am wondering now if I should just not invite people what ever he says ???Because, what he did was too much to forget.
    Please advice.
     
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2009
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  2. Drpreethis

    Drpreethis Gold IL'ite

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    It is not just about you and your hubby now.. It is also about celebrating your daughter's milestone in life.

    I also see this as a way for you to get out of the horrible things that just happened. How long can you feel so ? However long, it will just be the you who is suffering. So, get over it and take charge of your life.

    You can handle your issues with hubby in due time.

    Do not cook, tell him you cannot manage cooking and are too tired for now.. You could order food fro outside. Just say that is all you will do. He needs a party to socialise and just to give them back food in return to what you have eaten in others house, then you could get it catered.

    Just take help from close friends with the arrangements and return gifts. Or ask your hubby to buy the gifts himself. GIve him the list of kids who are attending the party. He just neednt keep blaberring abuses, he can work too isnt ? Get him involved.
     
  3. bhuvnidhi

    bhuvnidhi IL Hall of Fame

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    I would also say the same.

    Keep your fights aside and celebrate your Daughter's Bday.As parents you need to fulfill your duties towards her.

    Get your hubby involved in the preparation as he has equal responsibility towards the kids.
     
  4. vimala1957

    vimala1957 Bronze IL'ite

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    Please do not mess up the joy of celebrating your child's b'day with the quarrels with your DH. I am sure heart in heart you must be willing to celebrate it. But the present tense circumstances are so bad that you are not able to decide. As others have suggested, take your husband's help, make him involved in the preparations, or may be you may have things more to do, but at least not have the guilt of not celebrating the kids b'day. He may take it as returns for what all you have eaten at others place, but you must take it as celebrating in real sense.

    Because of your tensions, you may feel tired and not like to work, but if you think it is celebrating the kid's b'day, you will get the energy to do it.

    Moreove, it sounds from your posts that whether or not you wish, it is your DH's wish and ultimately you will have to do it , otherwise you have to keep hearing those insensible things. So better celebrate the little one's b'day, who has given you the joy of motherhood.

    love and Happy B'day to your daughter,
     
  5. tashidelek2002

    tashidelek2002 IL Hall of Fame

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    I also feel you should not take it out on your child just because you are feeling down/moody/angry/etc. It will start bad memories for your kid and those do not go away. I had a mother who always had some excuse about her moods to not do this and that but of course plenty of energy to do as she felt and that is what I remember about her and not some other better stuff. Be warned.

    If you are just too tired and overwhelmed to do a home party, do what others do: throw money at it meaning go to Chuckie Cheese or some other place that kids can have parties and do that. Then just get any little mementoes and of course your kids presents and you are done. Little kids love that kind of stuff as it is out of the home routine. Your husband wants to pressure he can pay for it (literally).
     
  6. livelife

    livelife New IL'ite

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    I am glad that I got your feedback and as you all said I celebrated my daughters birthday and am very happy for her and the motherhood I am enjoying.

    Would like to put forth one scenario that happened 2 days before the birthday celebration.
    I was feeding my child(he needs to know what my children ate, at what time I gave them food..and if the food that I gave them was nutritional or not).DH came up with the topic of me getting on to the exercise bike and peddling. I told him that I am feeding my child and also that since we have decided about the celebration, I have got lots to think about and do like cooking, buying, cleaning and on top of all this I have to be around my kids feeding, bathing etc and that I do not have the time and energy to get on to the bike(And this exercise is for me to stay slim after my pregnancy.I am a slim person already).He told me it would take just 10mins for you to do that.My reply was that I would get tired and explained to him that running after my kids itself is a big exercise for me.He did not want any explanation and told me that I would not be moving from that place until I peddle for 10mins.Ultimately, I had to peddle.
    I just want to know if this is what is called marriage??? This is just one example of whats happening to me.Every time he tells me anything it would be just 10mins of work for him.And he just makes me do it(either hitting me or solding me).Now a days if its possible I try to do it even before an arguement starts.
    How do I make him understand my likes and dislikes?
     
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2010
  7. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Your situation sounds exactly like my best friends:hide: her husband is also like this. When he says something it has to happen right there on the moment infront of him in his presence. Its sooo annoying.:bonkeven to see such bossism or dont care attitude.

    However she doesnt say much. she just does what he wants at that time or keeps quiet without answering. its like a battle...where he wants to see whether he still has the upperhand in the house or not.

    mgiht be next time when you are doing something and your husband repeats any such thing, hand over the work in your hand to your husband and do the stuff he is suggesting. dont go back to the work you were doing initially, let him complete it. tell him thats the deal:) and see how he reacts:crazyEither he has to wait for you to complete what you are doing (incase if he doesnt want to complete it) or he has to take up the work you are doing and complete it while you are doing what he is suggesting. explain with cool voice...dont raise voice or make it argumentative
     
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2010
  8. vimala1957

    vimala1957 Bronze IL'ite

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    Why the hell should he hit you along with all the mental stress. Just try out the way suggested by Shrividya.

    I would also suggest you to rise a bit above your tensions and study his nature and actions and reactions to things, figure out how he can be tackeled. It so happens that just to avoid that momentary outburst or tussel, the girl generally gives in. She has so much fear inside that she cannot see things beyond that moment, gets so used to it. In the process she will not realise that as the years pass, she teaches the same thing to the children, who learn to be afraid of the boss of the house. I have seen women regretting in the later years of life that they could not do justice to their children.

    Let your home be a home, not the empire of a dictator. I am not asking you to rebel, that is not the way. But think beyond the moments of dread and fear and take care that you bring up your child in a good atmosphere. If you simply keep surrendering to the momentary tussels to keep off the worse, you will be taken for granted.

    So just strengthen yourself mentally, learn to live like a human being, not a slave or a maid. You have to help yourself, others can give suggestions and guidance.

    love
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 8, 2010
  9. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    LiveLife,

    I agree with SriVidya,Apart from that see these will help you anyway.

    Try to put elder one in day care atleast couple of hours and you can get some rest while younger one sleeping.Don't try to overdue things.If you think your stretching yourself,morning itself give headsup to your husband saying that you can't do somethings for that day.You need to satify there ego by like taking the permission thing.

    Definitly you need to see outside world with this kind of husband.See you can register in any yoga class that would help you lot.

    Don't think about the money.If you want to ordre food,do so.Handover kids to husband and take long baths and enjoy.Slowly encourage older one to spend time with father.Tell your husband she been asking you .

    If you have worked before,please try to look for another job after you new born get little older.For women especially with this kind of husband always job helps a lot.
     
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2010
  10. livelife

    livelife New IL'ite

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    Thank you friends for analyzing my situation and responding.

    My parents taught me the value and respect each human being should be given.But I just don't understand why my DH wants me the other way round.I am so pissed off his behavior. I had thought that I am a strong person, and be able to make him understand my views of give and take respect.But for him anything done in this manner is disrespect.I am sure he is taken me for granted.
    He has been hitting me quite often these days, the reason is that I am not obedient.Now yesterday he hit me because he was angry, and not because I did any mistake.What I have noticed in him is that if he gets angry, then for each sentence he says he keeps knocking on me.Now I did not want to let it go and I informed one of his relative.Now his answer to "Why did you hit her? " was that it is his "Weakness".
    I doubt now if my life is going to be safe with him??? What do you think his intention is ? Is it that he is going to continue hitting me for the rest of my life? Please put in your comments, I want to be careful.
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2010

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