Is Father or Son(married) the head of the house?

I don't think so. It does not take that long for a person who is actually willing to change but was forced to remain meek by a dominating/overpowering person. Again, I repeat....if only that person is willing to change. I am sure in this case, the husband is keeping quiet because he has no other way to vent out his feelings. If given a chance to improve his personality he would certainly take it with of course lot of encouragement from his wife. Whatever may be but 20-30 years to see change?? What makes you say so??

Where was this society when DIL was being treated badly and not considered at all? Why should we fear society?? Can't we live our life our way??........ugh!!! this very fear kills a person inside out!!

 

ASimpleGal seems to have said in her first post :- "He never takes any decisions on his own, is happy to be under his father's shadow, and never argues with his dad on anything."
So her husband does not see this as a problem and it is only ASimpleGal who wants to change her husband because she wants to make him independent as she is. So when no-one except her sees this as a problem then 20-30 years is not a long time for someone to accept it as a problem and then change it. Her husband might actually never realize this as a problem because he is happy having a average life but ASimpleGal cannot have just an average life. She wants her husband to be the best or so, as much as I understand.

I know a person who would get angry on small things and when someone told him he has anger issues would say he never gets angry. Imagine the difficult situation his wife and children were in. It was after 25 years that he realized that this was a problem and tried something to change it. But even then every now and then he will get angry and lose his cool in desperate situations. So changing someone's basic nature isn't an easy thing to do.

What I meant by my statement was that if a daughter does not take care of her parents, no-one says anything including the girl's parents. However, if a boy does not take care of his parents then there are all kinds of moral stories like this one that tell how wrong he did.
The biggest sin one can ever commit - IndusLadies
And ofcourse the DIL becomes the culprit also because it was only after marriage that the boy stopped taking care of his parents.

By society it means the relatives like your uncle, aunts who are a little dear to you and and what they say although doesn't matter to you but hurts when they something bad. Maybe you do not care about what they say but your parents do care what their siblings say. And this puts them under pressure to tell the girl to adjust to a new house.

Ofcourse you can say, 'damn you all people, I will do what I want'. But is it really that easy? It is easier if you living far from your relatives and take the pain to give them a call once a week but then is living away really a right thing to do? Wont it create problems for your children who wouldn't know what their family's history is?

So in my opinion, caring about the society and following some of the rules that look unfair or not caring about it and living life king-size is your own choice. But in long term, both choices come with most good and some bad results.

 

Ajain, I felt very emotional reading the link you forwarded. Tears are overflowing and I feel for that elderly lady. What a son to treat the mom who toiled her whole life only to get this kind of punishment???

My point is to a certain extent the daughter in law can take it but when the inlaws pranks get too much then why suffer and spoil your life. It is better to live far away and be peaceful rather than care what others will say and lead a suffocating life.
I understand that we should respect old age and their way of doing things but don't they also need to reciprocate? You know, may be that is why my FIL calls me argumentative!!

I am :confused2:..............because all I say is, things should be fair enough for everyone.

Thanks
Meena

 

I just wanted to show you that men just like women are also bound by rules of society. And it is a huge-huge problem for men when they are asked to chose between wife and mother. And both mother and wife should realize this and avoid putting a man in this situation. Wouldn't it be great if MIL and DIL have an understanding of resolving issues themselves instead of involving the guy. The problem is DIL does not know how to say NO to MIL. The skill to say NO, comes with time but by the time this happens DIL is frustrated enough to walk out.

You are right. There is certainly a limit for everything. In the story also, it might not be entirely the son's or the DIL fault. The MIL also should have been a little adjusting. It is just that most of the tough situations in real life are not handled patiently. It requires a lot of patience and self-discipline to handle some situations. Moving out is a very simple solution to everything. But to me it looks like it is running away from the problem. And some problems are actually not real problems but just difference in point of view. Just like ASimpleGal here shares a different point of view from her inlaws and husband. She might be right but her husband and inlaws are not wrong either. Now, what would be easier. Changing one person's point of view or three people. And that is one of the many reasons, most DIL's are told to adjust. Is it right or wrong... I do not know. I guess it depends upon person to person and family to family and how much one is asked to adjust.

 

Don't you think most of the MIL DIL issues get worst because of the guy getting involved? Don't you agree that many guys just want to please their moms/dads no matter what?? Why can't guys stop this and see things in a fair way or best thing to do is JUST IGNORE!! In most of the cases just because the guy jumps in things get messier.
No one can involve the guy if he is not willing to??

I think the problem is MIL is never willing to take a negative reply from DIL. Isn't that frustrating to any one, leave alone DIL. If it is the son/daughter they know their mom from childhood so will ignore easily but can a new comer ignore so easily. Can't they be a little more patient with this new member and see what she thinks instead of writing her off even before she opens her mouth??

On a personal note,Ajain, I really appreciate your explanation and your attitude to have patience in life.
But, I have heard age brings wisdom. What happens to these elder's wisdom when there is a new entrant in the team?

 

It takes time for one to build respect and trust. In general, for a guy both mom and wife are equal. However, it is normally either MIL or DIL who start to speak to him about issues with their DIL or MIL. Now the guy loves both of them and cannot hear anything bad about either of them.

Now, if MIL is the first one to complain, he will in general just listen to her and start observing his wife if she is really like that. It is just that he is newly married and does not know what is the truth. At this point if the wife also start complaining about his mom, wife will get it back irrespective of whether she is right or wrong. This is sometimes out of sheer frustration that there is some problem in the house and he might have to chose one of them. The guy has had his parents guide him all his life and he will trust them more than his wife at an early stage of marriage. It is simple human nature that you will believe people who have proved themselves time and again. So if a wife finds that her MIL is complaining about her to her husband, she has to find a solution patiently to this. If she continues to take care of his parents without complaining, the guy will see this and ultimately tell his mother to shut-up. And this is not easy to do. To tolerate and get nothing in return.

If DIL is the first one to complain, again the guy will just listen. Since he knows his mother, he will instantly know what wife is saying is right or wrong. However, the irony again is that since he does not know his wife, he does not know how much she can adjust and tries to tell his wife to adjust. The wife feels that there her husband doesn't listen to her. She starts telling all this to parents/dear ones. Husband doesn't like this either and things go tumbling downwards.

What I have said above is solely based on the example of my mother/father and so maybe it can't be generalized to all. My mother had a tough time with some of the behavior of my grandmother. Once she said something to my father and she got a scolding back. After that she never said anything to him and just went on patiently. After several years my grand-mother said something about my mom to my dad and my dad scolded my grandmother. This is a long story written in short. From this experience my mom tells me that when you get married tell you wife to have such an understanding with her that if she has a problem with her then instead of coming to you she should be comfortable telling it to me. I do not know yet how successful this is going to be, but I will give it a try when time comes.

Different families have different customs/cultures and people behave differently. To understand psychology of each member and why someone is behaving in not so nice way is something one can find only by knowing a person really well. No one in this world wants to be evil.

Either one can crib and cry about saying he/she did so and so wrong to me or one can simple see it as a part of life and move forward. If you are nice to someone who is not so nice to you, then ultimately you will feel proud of yourself. Forgiving is better than revenge. Always.

Just my opinion and thanks for the appreciation.
-AJ

 

Hey karthik, I am not sure how my post is being judgmental here.

But agree, I am not sugar-coating my thoughts recently :bonk but can't help it, when I see so many issues in this world, people suffering to the extent we cannot imagine and still living each day, some issues I read here (solvable ones) just gets to me I guess !

Shilpa, no worries... it's me and I don't think IndusLadies site is that vulnerable for people to hijack whatever ID they want

 

AJ, I liked your posts. If only people can be fair to everyone.......

ASimpleGal,

FIL is dominating and egoistic? Sorry, this I did not gather from your posts. Reading your posts, it was like how every other elderly person in a family would act and he was going a step further.

"My father knows better and whatever he does will be only for our good" is the attitude I am seeing in your husband from your posts. I guess that is not sitting well with you, yeah? He is scared, let's say to voice his opinion to his dad and that is because of his father's strict upbringing you think?

This is your analysis after spending 11 years with him, yeah? That your husband never voices his opinion be it professional or personal. I have a basic question, was it his decision to (1) learn whatever he learnt (2) get the job he wanted (3) get married to the person he wanted (4) plan his family and financial matters?

From your analysis, a person who is bulldozed by this father, shouldn't have a voice in any of these important matters in HIS life. His father should have been the one making all these for him, yeah?

Now, coming to healthy discussions in a family. Please explain what is that you are envisioning one should be. Everyone sitting and giving in their opinions and then coming to a conclusion? I agree, this is the ideal scenario in any family. Now coming to reality. Does this happen in ALL families. Pull your side family memories (your immediate family, relatives etc) and see how it is? In reality, an elderly person can make a decision for the goodwill for all in his family. If someone has a disagreement to it, can voice their reasons and get it resolved. This is what works in most of the sane families, atleast those I know of. For each and every matters, there will not be a FAMILY MEETING.

Now, as much as you love your ONLY husband, shouldn't we give the same to their ONLY son. Won't they be even more protective of their child? Put yourself in their shoes of being a parent of only child. Day in Day out, wouldn't most of your thoughts be wondering around your child and his/her will being? Ofcourse for outsiders you will look like an overprotective, possessive mother. But who cares, its your child, right? So have you given that benefit of doubt to these parents.

And in a family of 3, why would be there a need for a FAMILY MEETING always, when the father loves his son as much as his life, that he would only make sure his decisions are for the best.

Exactly.

So you want to start a nuclear family with a husband who would never voice his opinion and do what others orders him to do and set an example for your kids that a husband should be a hen-pecked man and do whatever his wife commands? What is that you are setting up for your kids to see and learn here?

I cannot teach you parenting, but the basic 101 is, live and let live. You seem to know the pros and cons of a bad parenting, so why not try to rectify that in yours in a positive way than making a hurtful decision for his parents?

Ok, did you see that you are comparing apples and oranges here.

A family of 5 and a family of 3 with no siblings. Ofcourse the parenting will be different with children ganging up and making somethings happen. Sometimes parents not letting go of their decision. But in a family of 3, it may be different. Why are you not ready to accept that fact. It's their past and this is how they have lead their life - Happy. It is you who is making the decision that their parenting is wrong and how you grew up is the best way - Don't you think it's cynical?

WOW !!!

Also, I don't think where you concluded that typical parents would be resentful of somethings that they couldn't do and their children can. I am sorry, but that is wrong decision, right there. I am not going to say every parents are so good, but at the same time, you cannot brand all parents to be like that.

Unless you give me situations its very hard for me to digest that a father of only son would feel that way. very tragic !!

Dominating characters come in all shapes and relationships - Father, Mother, Son, Daughter. Father in Law, Mother in Law, Son in Law, Daughter in Law. Why it can be friends, employers etc.. Everyone will be that character in some situations. But the level of their dominance and how it affects everyone is what we should be concerned about. From your post, I don't see any negative influences, but adjustments and compromises that needs to happen.

We are not psychiatrist, YOU or ME to conclude that it has effect on children. May be you should take your husband to some good doctor for your own happiness and find out if that's the truth. but seeing from what you wrote in your post, he seems to be a fine man, just that he has so much respect for his dad, again, JMO.

That you can wherever you are. Your in-laws are not bad influence to any children, as they have given a best husband, as far as I can see.

AJ has given some good test cases that you can try out. May be you should give it a try.

 

MY FIL is 85% same as yours. It is very hard to deal with them. People can say what is wrong he is elder, he has experienced, he is strong.what about the current life how long can we deal with it. will our husbands will keep quiet and follow instructions give n by our father just because he is old person. IT is only fate for ladies to follow for all this tradition..... and to wait for our turn to come. I can understand how irritating if elder person constantly give suggestion/instructions and solution. I wondered a long time how to deal with that person and finally I decided not to give him any respect he dont deserve any respect. and I know it is not good solution.

 

You are right. Only the person facing the situation knows the pain. ASimpleGal has got different perspectives of different people. Some would tell her to change, some will sympathize with her and some will ask her to just leave. She should just try to be open-minded and find out where the problem really is, if there is any and then move forward. She is the one who knows best. And no harm in going to a psychiatrist if it troubles her more than she can take.

-AJ