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Is Father or Son(married) the head of the house?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ASimpleGal, Jan 10, 2010.

  1. Drpreethis

    Drpreethis Gold IL'ite

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    How about letting him blow his trumpet when he wants to and you put down your foot when you have to ?

    Allowing them to sit through the rituals of your kid's ceremony was not right. YES. Both you and your husband must have done that. Never allow anyone to get into your shoes. They have seen enough functions of the kiddos and have performed them too. Your baby is because of you and your husband. So, just as you fulfil other activities for him, follow the traditonal part too. You never get to perform those for this son all over again.

    About his name being highlighted in the paper you recieved initially. Now, that must be a bygone now. Agreed he is dominant. Maybe that is because your hubby has always been submissive. So, they are equally to be blamed here. Certain things of just throwing tantrums " for the sake of it " and trying to demean you, is nonsense. Do not buy it.

    But if he just loved to get into the limelight, dont feel bitter. I say this, because there is no point or any change that could happen because you felt bitter. Simple. Do not waste your time feeling bad.

    Few people just dont want to share limelight, it is better not to stoop to their level of competition. Rather, be wise and smirk. Tell your cousins or anyone who talks to you about the design or stuff that it did take you an effort to plan all this. You could also pass a casual comment that your plan worked just the way you wanted it to because your FIL understood your mind well ! This way, you drive the point and dont under estimate him too !

    Be very diplomatic and smart when you feel suffocated with his tantrums. Dont stress up yourself. it a'int worth it.

    Coming to your orignal post.. there is no head and toe in ones family. Me and hubby run my house and my FIL & MIL run theirs. Now, when I visit them, I cannot expect them to change things for me or live life according to me and it is simply vice-versa. Wether my FIL takes my MIL's opinions or not is entirely their problem.. But, my hubby does from me and that is all that I am bothered about in my house.

    if there is a property to be registered in our name, it will be a decision by us and the rest of the world can give suggestions. If my FIL / MIL wants to buy something for themselves, me and hubby will suggest ONLY WHEN ASKED FOR.

    Infact voting for the head of the family doesnt really mean financially.

    Depends on how head has to be defined. if it is finance that is the most important part, then I guess you need to be the head, since you say you earn the most :).. But I know, that is not what you looking for. It is that undue limelight and tantrums your FIL has been forcibly demanding out of everyone, that irks you !

    So tackle that very smartly and very diplomatically. Some people do not understand when you say it straight. ;)

    Take care..
     
  2. Sunny3

    Sunny3 New IL'ite

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    I agree with Preethi here. Simplegal, do not feel bitter about your FIL getting all the limelight. Even he knows he is faking. And by now most of your relatives might also have guessed this overconfident and dominant nature of his.
    Just keep your cool and play diplomatic here.
     
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2010
  3. sophisticated

    sophisticated New IL'ite

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    In my In Laws house it is MIL making the decission and my FIL excecuting it, if not his head is on the chopping board.
    IF we are around my FIL will not say a word may shout and grunt but it will always have to be my MIL's decission, if not she will be throwing tantrum around and we get burnt offering for dinner.

    In my house my parents jointly make a decission no one is superior, though my dad will have a final say.
     
  4. 12adityas

    12adityas Bronze IL'ite

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    What I mean by obey is quite simple: listen to them, listen to their guidance, consider their viewpoints, and don’t back answer or question them. You don’t have to do as they tell you to do, but don’t argue with them. Listen to them, consider what they are saying and do as you like later on. The biggest issue is with talking back/arguing with them. If do something incorrect or say that is not true, certainly point that out to them. But if they remain stuck to their position and don’t get convinced, then leave it & them alone. It is not our duty to show (by arguing) our elders that they are incorrect, there is god for that. If they are not in their own control, then you control them by not falling prey to their kicks to your ego. It isn’t our duty to ‘set them right’ or ‘give back’. That’s the exact attitude that damages elders’ relationships with their children & in-laws. There is a saying; an empty vessel makes more noise. Let us not be the empty vessels in these matters.



    Did you just call me a troll? And is that something you wish for someone? Before you call someone names & pass judgments on someone, you need to be aware that you don’t know them & you don’t know their circumstances/surroundings and their entire outlook on these matters. I have said once before in this post & I request again to refrain from engaging in personal attacks. I haven’t judged or engaged in personal attacks & I keep the focus on the issue, whereas you seem to always end up with a personal attack. Is it because you are unable to bring forth a convincing view point? Once again, please refrain from doing so.



    Your quotation from my post was for why wasn’t my father considering my mom’s and his sons’ opinions only & not his DILs. In response to that statement from you, I asked you to re-read from my post. If you re-read that sentence again, you will see that it was before I was married, since after my marriage, I moved out, so dad never had opportunity to consult his DILs.


    If you read my initial post, you will see a sentence – “Dad also gave control over finances to mom & she controlled money flow. However, any important purchases were made by mom only after dad approved it. This is exactly how it is in my home also.” Doesn’t it give you the impression that I share the decision making with my wife?



    I haven’t been saying different things. It may appear so to you all, because you are all assuming what I mean by considering what I haven’t said, instead of literally picking up only what I said. That’s why I have been asking earlier to not be hasty. My position on respecting elders and not back-answering them hasn’t wavered since my first post. So when someone asked if I think all elders are right & we must do ji-huzoor to them, I said no; because where we disagree with elders, we can do so without arguing with them & without back answering them.

    I have no idea where you deciphered this from. But this is an example of what I mentioned above. How is advising a lady to obey her inlaws/parents equal to putting her into a shell. Perhaps you all misunderstand what I meant by obeying/respecting. My explanation above hopefully clarifies it.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 19, 2010
  5. smart_soul

    smart_soul Bronze IL'ite

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    Adithya,

    And people like you ARE the reason why women see so many woes and worries in their lives. I see no rationale in your arguments. You are just arguing for the sake of it and thats quite obvious here. May God give your wife the patience and energy and skills to deal with your ideologies.(Per me Foolish ideologies.. Heights of male chauvinism).

    And I couldn't agree more with ASG, any gunda and murderer who lives long enough becomes an elder. His age doesn't command his righteous behavior and actions.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 19, 2010
  6. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Asimplegal,The remedy to all the things you mentioned in your post is STAND UP!!. You or your hubby shud ultimately put your foot down and say enuf of all this. Your FIL is only being the leader becoz the rest of the family lets him. Somebody has to put their foot down. It comes with lots of fights and heartache but its worth it. I think it might be tuff for your husband to do so. Why dont you do it? I know it will stressful at first with fights . But in the end your husband will see your way.
    For a minute there , I thot you were posting my FIL's biodata with minor changes here and there. Minor changes here and there only becoz I dont live with my in laws.Not for the fact that he is any different.All the good things in my husband's life is becoz of his hard work and good luck. Not remotely due to my back breaking efforts. Even if the darling son himself mentions it.No credit shud be given to me ever.Otherwise it is attributed to the fact that my in laws did so many puja's for my husband's growth.

    It may not be a smooth path to stand up and say enuf to all the things you mentioned. I did it and it came with lots of heartache initially. But after some time my husband saw that I was right and he supported me. Maybe it might work for you too. Sometimes, In families when there is constant imposing of authority to make themselves feel good,while the rest of the family end up with low self worth. That itself leads to all factors like being not motivated to maintain good career growth or good relations or friendships. The solution maybe to take matter in our own hands and show there is another way to lead a life without dictatorship hanging on our heads. You can try it and see a gradual change in your marriage and husband.Good Luck.
     
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2010
  7. bhuvnidhi

    bhuvnidhi IL Hall of Fame

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    Actually itz me who called people like him a TROLL.Not only him!!

    Anyways I now choose to ignore him after reading his below wise comments.



    I think this thread is deviated enough and we need to ignore some baseless comments to keep the quality and essence rolling.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 19, 2010
  8. adara

    adara Bronze IL'ite

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    Aditya, You are arguing here just for the sake of it. Please do not do that and spoil the entire purpose of the thread.
    You are diverting the topic to some non sense which in fact I am sure if you reread what you wrote, will shock you to the core.
    Thanks for your explanation on obedience. Though I do not agree with you but will gladly agree to disagree here.


    Adara
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 19, 2010
  9. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Aditya.. I wrote a simple sentence.. ur drawing too much out of it... choice is urs. Is it your own conscious thats feeding this.. then I cant help it. I'm infact googling for this particular word.. thanks for a new vocab.
    I have no personal agenda against you or anyone on this forum.. we're here to express our views & counter views from those expressed.

    Lot of ppl have said more direct adjectives for you on this post especially.. everyone is not having any personal bias for you.. but somehow just dont agree to your views... now dont start posting for everyone... "dont engage in personal attacks"
     
  10. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Ok Aditya, I read the meaning & dont consider you a Troll... a person can think and react as per his own mental capacity & upbringing.

    If you knew how to behave yourself with senior ppl & especially women folk then I guess you wouldn't have replied to Ansh in a sadistic manner on the thread - Move On! in life without spouse section & forced her to think on exit.

    Ansh's avatar is her teen daughter & not her own eyes.. so I guess u need to have some sense before stroking on to the keyboard... simply obeying & respecting members of ur own family doesn't show any specific value in you.. it simply shows ur an immature poster.
    You need to have some depth of thoughts before you post something on this forum.. its not a teen .. for fun forum but it comprises of women who are trying to find answers & support for the difficult phase of their life... niether do you have any specific problem nor any viable solution for any member so pls include a disclaimer in each of your post that " above written are simply your views & ppl should ignore them as an immature post".

    I really dont find any of ur posts as inflamatory or off topic.. infact not even thought provoking... they're as per the topic but how a child will react/ respond to it from the learnings of a previous generation without applying a current generation logic to it.
     
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2010

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