Is every Indian husband like this?

ppriya182010 · Sep 28, 2010

Hi All,

I have been a silent reader in this forum for a long time. I used to read some girl's stories about Husband not supporting them or in-laws ill-treating them and feel that I am not the only one suffering and would feel little comfort in it. I think its a fundamental problem with Indian guys to always treat their parents as if demi-gods and never to accept that they could do some mistakes.

Now let me come to my story. I am well educated, well employed person with a lot of self-respect and confident. I was grown like that, my mom n dad saw that I will grow to be an independent, self-sufficient person. My family was one of the sweetest family, me, my parents and my lovely sister. My sister is no more, she didn't survive an accident and passed away 2 yrs back when she was only 20 yrs old. A lot changed after that with me and my family. We all lost a part of ourselves that we will never get back. Life will never be the same again. I lost faith in God and even in anything.

I got married 3 years back, to the guy whom I loved since my college, for 7 yrs. All hell broke lose the moment we started our marriage topic. We decided we will get married only after we both settle with a good job in US and we did the same. My parents agreed to us and waited all the way. When his parents were not aware (or indirectly aware) of us. But the moment he started talking about marriage, for obvious reasons, his parents got disappointed. So he has to spent in lakhs to compensate for marrying me by renovate his house, buy them a car, spent on wedding extravagantly. Not a single penny they spent on the wedding or on us. He has to shed out all this to get them agreed for the wedding. It was an inter-caste marriage. Tehy got whatever they wanted in the wedding, all by their wish.

After the marriage, I tried to be a nice DIL to them talking to them every week and enquiring about all his relatives and cousins. They would simply answer my question and ask me nothing other than how r u. I thought it mite take a while for them to accept me. When on the other side, my parents and relatives whole-heartedly accepted my husband and ILs as part of the family. My relatives started inviting/informing my ILs for functions, funerals, etc. My ILs would also visit them. But they would never talk about it to me, but I used to enquire about it to them. It went for few months until I lost all patience and hope that they will ever accept me. While thru all this, my husband would be a silent on-goer. Even when I tell him my concenrs about them no talking to me properly, he would simply say they are conservative. He never tried to convince them to accept me or even talk to me properly. I stopped talking to them eventually b'coz it was like a recorded message everytime I talk to them. To take revenge, he also stopped talking to everyone from my family. It went on and on between us, we kept arguing about his parents.

Then I became pregnant. Even when we called to tell his parents about it, the only response I got from their parents was "Oh, ok. Good." Thats exactly the words his mom n dad told me and asked me to give the phone to their son. All thru the pregnancy we continued fighting for his parents. The whole fight was he would ask me to talk to them nice and I would argue when they dont even see me as a family, why should I talk nice to them. And he would come back saying he won't talk to my parents, when my parents were so nice to him. We had baby and it still continued. My parents came and stayed with us and then his parents came n stayed with us for 6 months. His parents would never talk to me unless I ask them something about the baby and they would simply answer me. They would never talk to me or start a conversation. I felt as if I am a stranger in my own home. They would talk to my husband and immediately stop the moment I came into the room. But as they taking care of my baby while I went to work, I ignored all this. 6 months went like this and I went to India with my baby for my baby's muttai festival. My husband couldn't come. I treated them and his relatives all so well as I represented both me and my husband. But they wanted their grand-child, but not me. Not a single time, did they invite me to their house. But I went as my parents advised me and infact left the baby to be with them few times. Atlast they mistreated me so much before I left to US. After coming back, I told my husband whatever happened and asusual his only explaination was they are conservative and innocent. I am so sick of his dumb excuses. Now we kind of lost all liking between us b'coz of all this issues. To be honest, we have no issue between me and my husband. But just b'coz I can't talk to his parents jovially, we keep fighting. How could one talk to somebody jovially when the other side won't even respond by talking? They stayed with us for 6 months, and even that didn't change them to see me as a family. What else will ever change them? Infact recently also his parents got money from him for repaying his loan in India and they have lied him and used the money for something else. And though my husband came to know abt this, he simply ignored it. Didn't even ask them why they lied to him. They do every stupid thing like this and they know they could get away b'coz their son will not ask them. He thinks they are Gods and they will do no mistake.

Now his younger brother is coming to US for an onsite work. I was so happy for him when I came to know about it and he spoke to us. I spoke to him well and congratulated him and wished him. After I hang up, my husband tells me that I should have invited him to our house. Actually his trip is not even confirmed. I said let him first come here, then we can invite him. And my parents are coming to stay with us for 6 months again in Dec. My husband have not even talked to my parents and he conveniently didn't even call them for my sister's death anniversary. He says he didn't know he has to call. Even after I pointed out that he being the only son-in-law to them, he should call them and see if they r doing fine. He has not called. When he conveniently gives excuse, I have to be nice to his parents and brother. Is this fair? And everytime he makes me feel as if I am a bad person for not being nice to ILs. He has blamed me so much that I myself think I am a bad person these days.

Me and my husband keep separate accounts and all we talk is about the child, nothing else. We have like a boundary and these days we avoid talking about anything as everything would lead to his parents and then a big argument. We have nothing in common and have no intimacy or anything. We are married for only 3 yrs. It feels like a Yugam. I don't know if we can live like this forever. But I know I have to. I want to give a stable family life to grow up for my daughter. So I want to be with him. Also I can't disappoint my parents, they are already suffering a lot. So I am just living as if its all normal.

I don't know if only my husband is like this or every Indian husbands are like this? They think once we get married, girls should completely forget about her parents, everyone and come with them and immediately shower all love and respect on their parents, relatives everyone. It mite have been fine few decades back when the girl was completely dependent on her husband. These days girls are running their family too, earning and investing just as husbands do. Is this a curse on Indian girls forever. My mom went thru the same path and I thought I won't walk that path b'coz of generation gap, education, modern times. But nothing have changed in our Indian society.
I am sorry for such a long post. I just felt like talking to someone and I don't have any friends to talk about my problems. Thanks for reading my post. I just hope someone struggling like me will feel comfort that they are not alone.

One final request. Whoever has a son now, in this generation, please change. Don't grow your son teaching him you are his demi-gods. Just try to be humans and teach him everyone does mistakes and theres nothing wrong in accepting one's mistakes. Please try to understand when he grows up, he will also have a family on his own and try to respect him as an independent and treat his wife as a person too. Atleast the future generations should change. It won't happen unless we all take effort. I have a daughter now. I hope atleast her generation will be different.

Priya16 · Sep 28, 2010

Priya,

For anyone ,it's very difficult to agree for the parents behaviour before anyone becuase they are your parents.Suppose if you were in your husband shoes,do you agree that your parents did a mistake?
Here I don't see your MIL/FIL abuses you.Basically they are not talking to you freeely.That may be there wish and it's very common in lot of household where in-laws would talk mostly to sons and not to DIL and it's not just becuase of your love marraige .It's just they anger they will have isnide.
You can ask why do they have anger?My answer is don't look for answers for everything.
Suppose if you would have been little patient and woud have been more understanding,may be your husband would have supported you.
Your husband din't ask your parents to nice to him.Typically girl parents always will be nice to SNIL and at the same time,same parents will be rough to DIL and it's in our tradition.
Hopefully these things will change little bit for future generation.
For him your parents is your parents and they are no special to him.
If you are not nice to his parents (I Know they are not be nice with you but at the same time I don't see they are being bad also with you).
So be diplomatic and don't fight with him becuase of his parents.What he can do?Can he change his parents?No right then why do you want to fight with him unnessary.My MIL also would tell me to give phonse to the son and as she missed the minute to talk to him.What's the big deal.Let it be.
As long they don't create trouble in your marriage that's all matter and don't compare between your family and his family.
Your family is yours and his family is his.

Your problems are invated by yours becuase you don't know how to handle things.
You have moral support from your parents,if they don't speak with you,no big deal right,Just leave them that way and carry on with your business.
Typically lot of us tolerate this kind of behaviour .Since your sister loss,may be you become very senstive for emotions.Think about that and do the nessary.

Ranchu · Sep 28, 2010

Ppriya,

I know its bad in your family. however this is not only for indian men, this problem is there world-wide.

if you DH supports you and argues with his parents, they cannot digest this fact . It will again backfire on you , they will claim "a good son" has been transformed like this due to DIL .

Its your DH , who needs to find a balance and be supportive to both sides.
For now just ignore your IL's reactions and try to work on your relationship with DH. Once that is stabilized , you both will not care about ego from parents.

sadwife · Sep 28, 2010

Hi Priya,

My husband doesn't argue or talk back at his mum or brother.
He says that's respect. I don't agree. We must give respect to elders but that doesn't mean we remain quiet when they insult us.

Thank God my husband doesn't blindly listen to everything they say.
He doesn't protest when they say something that he doesn't agree with, but he will not do something that he doesn't what too.

My in laws are "not that bad", in the sense that they don't directly mistreat me.
But they insult or hint on me while talking. :rant
Trust me, it's worst then doing it directly.
Atleast I could immediately defend myself if they directly mistreat me infront my hubby.
Not sure whether I have the courage to defend myself anyway. ):

I always believe that my hubby would definetely scold or go against his family if at all they treated me really bad. But I am not sure how true is my believe. He might just ask me to remain silent and bear with them since they are elder to us and doesn't want to ruin the relationship with his family.

If I have a son, I promise my DIL's life would be a bed of roses.

Priya, try to bring back the sparks in your marriage.
Avoid talking about his parents, atleast for sometime.
You've been married only for 3 years now. Long way to go.

Good Luck.

sita2223 · Sep 28, 2010

ppriya,

It has nothing to do with generation or education. It just takes a 'sensible person' to identify what is right and what is wrong. It just takes a 'strong person' to stand by what is right. I say person, because it is applicable to both men and women. There are men who are educated and modern but don't have the sense or the strength to perceive or stand by whats right. There are men who are uneducated and belonging to older generations and still have the sense to know that they are responsible for their wife and kids.

Sometimes even women take advantage of men asking them to bend over for her side of the family while strictly refusing to even be civil with his side of the family. There is no guarantee that a woman who complains that her man doesn't speak up against his parents, will stand up against her own parents if needed. So there is no point in generalizing, is there?

As for your problem, it would be wise to behave diplomatically rather than letting your marriage get affected. I am not underestimating your problem in any way, its just that, the common ILs issue is not worth spoiling your marriage. Why this need to be accepted into the family? If they don't like you, their loss. You just do your part and move on. Why compare the way your parents treat H and his parents treat you? Your parents taught you to respect elders, so you do your part, just ask if they are in good health once in a while and if they prefer to act childish.. its their problem. Isn't it?? Instead, you refusing to talk to his parents, he refusing to talk to your parents, and the whole issue affecting your marriage, is it worth it??

sng · Sep 29, 2010

Hello ppriya182010

You made me think ...it happens in love marriage too...I used to think becz mine is arrange and I didn't know much about him that's why problem is with me.

I m on the same shoe as u r.....I do not talk to his parents thats why he doesn't do to mine..But issues for not talking were different for me....as my MIL passes comments and all...said wrong things about me to DH and all...means she was saying bad things about me to him so I stopped..

Now if his parents want to talk to me..they ask him to give me phone and mine wants ...I pass phone to him...occasionally it happens...we fought about it a lot but nothing happened except fighting...So gal try to leave these issues and get involved in ur marriage life....u just take care of ur family..and let him take care of his family....See it like that you have to live with him ...u hv kid too...so no use of fighting....just say about ur heart openly and let it forget as nothing happened....

We have started doing like this now a days...there is no use of spoiling ur life a nd health.....if he takes fighting exteremly..ask him to get calm down becz it is not good for ur DD....simple and nothing will change after fighting at all...his parents will be ur ILs and urs parents his ILS

as u said u have BIL ..is he married ...may be ur ILS will change after getting other bahu according to their choice...Or may be in old age they'll get changed.... Otherwise think like they r winning now...they do not want both of u to live happily....becz their son didnt listen them and marring a girl whom they didnt like....but now ur DH is sharing everything with them and u r the outsider of family...so leave all these things...just do best u can do and do not expect anything from him...involve somewhere with ur family....Atleast u can share bad things of ur ILS to ur DH...I evan can not say that they did so bad thing with me....He'll explain that I lie to him his mom and father can not do this to me and then he'll call them and ask...and they will mold it in other way that we didnt do that thing but she wants us to seperate us thats why blamming us and all....and all drama ...calling my parents ann dall...so be quite...live happily...be happy whatever u r getting...

Ask ur DH to work on ur relation first...tell him after we'll be love living with each other ...we'll involve families..

How is ur relation with MIL? Is she bad? like passes comments ...show u down everytime..interefres in ur married life....pokes nose betwen u....doesn't do household....if nothing like this ....it may be they speak less....or they are angry at u then it doesn't matter to call them and hang up soon.

I am also with u to change the coming generation atleast..as I also have DD and no more plans afterwords

sadwife · Sep 29, 2010

sita2223,

There is no guarantee that a woman who complains that her man doesn't speak up against his parents, will stand up against her own parents if needed.

I will stand up and speak against my parents for my husband.
And I did that twice and now they (anyone in my family) don't dare to utter a word about him.

Of course it's unfair for a wife to expect her husband to stand up for her and speak against his parents, but she refuses to do the same for her husband when it comes to her parents or family.

ppriya182010 · Sep 29, 2010

Thankyou all for your replies and suggestions.

I know I can't force someone to like me. Sometimes I lose my mind and patience over it, thats all. I know pretty much that nothing will ever change just b'coz I fight with my husband. Its more like venting out my pressure.

I have stood up against my parents when it comes to my husband. But he doesn't. I just get mad when he always points out that its my fault all the time that I was not nice to them, when its totally unfair. But then again, as u all told, its husbands and we are wives who have to go by their wish. Worldly rule rite.

Anyway I have changed so much that I try to ignore everything, sometimes I lose it. I will try to be more ignoring, probably I can vent it out in forums like this.

Thanks for reading my post and replying. Its good to know that there are some people in this world who can listen to my problems and try to help me.
It means a lot to me.

Priya16 · Sep 29, 2010

get mad when he always points out that its my fault all the time that I was not nice to them
Click to expand...

Priya,

One question.Does he bring up by himself or does he asks you when you start some issues.If he starts during the issue,then stop fighting about his parents and it's not worth it as long as you have peceful marriage.
I beleive most of the guys don't bring up the paretns issues unless we starts it.
I beleive any elder DIL would have little difficult time with PIL's.Because for them also it's new realtion and for them also it's confusion how to deal with DIL and how to treat her.May be they learn there lessons and gets better with second DIL.don't feel bad about it.If they nice to second one it means they learned there lessons so they start from the beginning itself.
Meanwhile your relation also may get better.
I have been reading on this forum.May be for some men it's easy to agree and for some men it's not.My husband never ever agree to his parents mistake even though they are huge.But I never ever go there too.It's my choice.The two most important relation to them is one his own family and other is parents.He can't put one down because of other.
Anyhow try to stay away from it.

blessed · Sep 29, 2010

Dear Priya
Unfortunately I dont have a son, otherwise I would have shown my own MIL how to behave with a DIL I would have put her to shame if only I would have got that oppurtunity.

It's been years since I have been married but still my MIL has not shared any of the family matters with me, right in front of me she speaks in hush hush tone to her daughters in fone, initialy it use to hurt me a lot but now i dont care those bull ****.

Now we kind of lost all liking between us b'coz of all this issues. To be honest, we have no issue between me and my husband. But just b'coz I can't talk to his parents jovially, we keep fighting.
Click to expand...

Now tell me priya, is this right on your part, you are spoiling your relationship just because of your extended families who are living miles apart. Come on though my inlaws live in the same roof I try my best to have a healthy relationship with my DH by simply not involving all his parents problems for everything i do. Finaly u are the looser!

don't know if only my husband is like this or every Indian husbands are like this? They think once we get married, girls should completely forget about her parents, everyone and come with them and immediately shower all love and respect on their parents
Click to expand...

Even my DH maintain a distance relationship with my parents, but I have got used to it since even I dont share any closeness to his parents though we have been staying together for the past 15 years, I dont share any secrets with them and vice versa, but I share everything with my DH and now even he started to share every single thing to me, I am happy with the fact that he tells me some things which he does not want his sisters or parents to know. So I feel contended that my DH feels I am more important to him than anyone, ofcourse his parents are next to God for him, but still when he considers me for some important decision i feel happy.

All I can say leave alone your or his parents problems and build a healthy and loving relationship between u and ur DH, I feel sorry that u dont have any intimacy and drifting apart, all I can say is your inlaws are successfull in their mission as u are giving way to it.