Is dowry system still there?

No, I am not talking only about TAMBRAHMS. I am talking about my friends' circle IN GENERAL. And, dowry dealings, even where they do exist, seem to be on a much more *reduced* scale than they were even a generation ago (based on my own and my classmates' experiences). I have met couples from all over India who claim that dowry never even figured in the pre-marital communication between the two families, although the girls' parents usually did give their daughters expensive gifts of gold and cash at their marriages out of their own volition.

As an interesting aside: I have a Reddy friend from school whose parents gave her ... get this... gave her cash, gold and property worth SEVEN CRORES upon her marriage. I was shocked to hear this and the fact that she seemed to take it so lightly. She laughed and dismissed it, saying that her mother's parents had paid 20 CRORES EACH in dowry for her mother and her mother's sister and that her in-laws had been more considerate than her paternal grandparents!!!!!

To be honest, the one thing that irritates me even more than dowry, is our nation's seeming obsession with the color of our skin. Almost 90% of all matrimonial ads claim to be looking for a girl who is "slim, fair, tall and good looking". I just don't get the belief that one cannot be beautiful unless one's skin is as white as driven snow. We're Indians, we're meant to be BROWN, not white! And our obsession with 'slim-ness'. OK, I get that a BMI over 24 is unhealthy but it is ALSO UNHEALTHY to expect a bride who has an 18" waist! Post pregnancies, many women lose their hour glass figures and waistlines and blow up into pretty little balloons. What, then? Divorce?!

And the color of the skin has nothing to do with the bride-to-be's nature or intelligence. Ironically enough, families where the MIL-to-be is dark complexioned and SILs-to-be are also dark complexioned, are no better or no worse when it comes to demanding a "fair skinned" bride. Seriously, what gives? As I said previously, Indians, as a nationality, are not "white". If there is one thing I hate more than anything else, it is our obsession with the color of our skins, with "lighter" being automatically judged "better".

There was a guy who came to see one of my cousins and openly expressed his disappointment because she wasn't EXTREMELY "fair". Well, DUH. Why not marry an American, then? And this was from someone who wasn't exactly Adonis himself and who looked like he had just stepped out of a coal mine. BAH. Hypocrite.

 

Hi Malyatha,

Thanks for bringing up an important point... the fairness issue. I've seen this over and over again too, and it's really disturbing. I can see being proud of getting high marks in school, or being proud of dressing well or cooking well, something you've had a hand in creating! But what does fairness have to do with anything? Nobody creates their fair or dark feautures! It irks me when people act high and mighty because of the lone fact that they are fair. Big deal!!!

It reminds me of a while back when everyone was grilling Bipasha Basu because she was "dusky." Were they out of their minds??? She is so beautiful!!! Just goes to show the insanity of the situation. :crazy

My mil is fair and it's definitely one of the contributing reasons she goes around thinking she is queen of the village. Whenever she talks nasty about my dh's ex, she is sure to mention she was "wheatish." Like that is supposed to be an insult??? Come on now!!! bonk

Like you said, Indians are SUPPOSED to be brown. Girls like Aishwarya, Kareena and Karisma are the EXCEPTION not the NORM, but when it comes time to find a bride everyone expects no less than a hindi film superstar. Like you said, maybe these boys and their families should take a long look in the mirror!!! :rotfl

 

These two sentences really made me laugh......

And this was from someone who wasn't exactly Adonis himself and who looked like he had just stepped out of a coal mine. BAH. Hypocrite.

but when it comes time to find a bride everyone expects no less than a hindi film superstar. Maybe these boys and their families should take a long look in the mirror!!!

Well said......Itz a male dominated society(Which is driven by females..MIL...SIL......).....I don't know how can these people be so mean and arrogant..Do they lack basic humanity?What sort of people r they?

Ihave seen both he good side and bad side of this so called "dowry" system..My hubby was not ready to take a single penny from us and the marriage expenses were totally on him inspite of his sister's opposition..My MIL was a sweetheart that way.She supported my hubby.I am a S/W consultant but my hubby advised me (never forced) to leave the job or to take help of nanny to care of the kid if I wud want to...He thinks that he shud take care of the ones dependent on him.

But it was a total 180 degree twist in my sis case..They even wanted a list of things thatwere given to her.Horrible people.Don't know where these peopple r built...

 

I tell you they no no end to one's greed.... and i find it more with south Indians, I'm frm andhra myself and mine was arranged marriage, and my co-sil who is the eldest in the family was taking abt my marriag allience.. and demanded 35 lks in dowry.. for a well settled nri doc, my parents showed them the door:yes:... then my husband called me and i blasted him Rant how dare they ask for dowry... he sd sorry for my parents and sd was not aware wat my co-sil was planning behind his back.. my mil is widow and does nt get involed much... finaly we gt married but no dowry... nt a sigle penny, mariage expences were 50-50..

But its very commom in Southindia... i remember my kerla frnd, she was dressed as a gold shop for her weddinf i guess she wore more than 25kgs of gold .. which given as was dowry.. :hide:

 

Just want to put the practice of dowry in historical perspective.

Indian society is patriarchal, which means that in times past, daughters did not get to inherit their parents' properties, if these parents had sons. Wives, in addition, were completely dependent on their husbands, and if these husbands died young, on their in-laws for both their own support and the support of their young children.

So, in ancient times, the concept of Streedhana (woman's wealth) evolved to protect the interests of women who were widowed young and left 100% dependent on their in-laws, many of whom did not wish to support the family of a deceased son or brother. Since these women also did not stand to inherit parental property, at marriage, it became common practice for parents to bestow gifts of money, wealth or property on their daughters for their future security. Originally considered strictly the woman's, this practice of Streedhana eventually got corrupted into the evil practice of dowry, which no longer belonged to the girl, but to her new in-laws. This was also the reason that Sati evolved. Because her Streedhana had to be returned to her for her support at her husband's death, in-laws found it easier to burn the widow at her husband's funeral pyre, so that they could retain control of her wealth.

Here are my thoughts: Since women these days are financially independent, they do not need 'Streedhana' to protect their interests in the unfortunate event of early widowhood. AND, since it is now the LAW in India that daughters have the right to 33% of their parents' properties, there is no need for parents of brides to give their daughters' in-laws hefty amounts of money at the girls' marriage. I truly believe that Streedhana is no longer appropriate in this day and age. This may be why many families never even bring up the concept of dowry in this day and age, and those that do, do so on a less lavish scale than in generation previous. Even if I don't get so much as a sewing needle from my parents as inheritance, I am glad to say that given my education and employment experience, I can support my own self financially should the need ever arise! This is the case for most women today.

Lastly, tt takes two to tango. One reason that dowry is so difficult to COMPLETELY root out and still flourishes in some communities (even if on a reduced scale) is that many parents of girls are willing accomplices to the Streedhana game, rather than opposing any such demands by their daughters' potential in-laws. If EVERY young girl's parents refused to play the dowry game, then the parents of grooms will quickly realize that their sons will be condemned to a life of permanent bachelorhood if a hefty Streedhana was a pre-req to their marriage! I blame the parents of girls who give dowry as much as the parents of grooms who insist on collecting dowry as a pre-condition for matrimony.

Parents who wish to give gifts of their own volition to their daughters should make it clear that the money / gold / property is for their daughters, not for the daughters' would-be in-laws. I am not sure if my daughter will agree to an arranged marriage, but if she did, I'd rather she remained single than married to a man who insisted on being paid to become her husband.

JMO.