is divorce the final resort?

rishtha · Jan 5, 2010

Dear Ladies,

its the 4th year of my marriage. my troubles began since the day i got married (during the marriage ceremony itself)

he is not a graduate, i am 2 yrs older to him, he does not own a house, no savings, has only a mother no siblings, ours is an arranged marriage.

i want to resolve issues and get solution, i am ready to work and try things

issues

he has no great ambitions to be come successful in career; he has been doing business that did not grow , right from 2nd month of marraige they expected me to pool in my money to run household expenses (his mother has been working after her spouse expired and she told he never gives any money to home; after 2 months of our marriage)

mamas boy (she created her bit of fuss, like i should leave my cuppboard open in the hall, i shoud not lock, getting involved inour intimate matters like dont have sex in the day; never took care of me when i was preganant with our first child, i lost my child; always poisoned my husband on getting things from me rather than showing him that he should be taking care of me)

never responds - i feel iam talking to a wall (he says i love you, responds to entertaining items, like, movies,outing etc if any serious talk he does not want to respond at all, even now its 4 months no sms, no calls, i sent a long email no reponse. several messages no reply, )

has no great relationship with my family (my entire family wants to me to take a decision to get separated now)

provides no emotional strength when i am down (i take care of all my financial needs, take strength and guidance from books, forums etc)

i am short tempered and when i am angry i close down which happens most of the time on and off. now recently there was a problem and i came down to my parents home its 4 months now; he did not bother to resolve the issue, he is giving me silent treatment,

i sent a long email telling him how all i feel, he did not bother to reply, basically i feel he is missing all that a girl requires in a husband, has to be the provider of the family, plan things for future, i do not see even the basic needs met, i am not able to strike a sensible conversation with him, he has his own ideas and never listens; all that he trust is his mom and for that if she gives him sound advice, today he would have been a responsible person, just sitting at home and playing games will not help, first time when i came to my home, he closed his business found a regular job and started to earn, now he is back to square 1, lost job due to recession and is refusing to try any other job till now; recently i was very sick and told him i dont want to work, he did not utter one confident word off "dont worry; you can be at home if you dont want to work i will take care" instead he said "if you cannot work understand that we may not be able to buy a home" i cried and he said i was behaving oddly in public .

i am not a holy angel, i do speak harshly when i am angy and i just explode and i come to my parents home and dont contact him for days (i dont do this wantedly, i just run a way from the situation because i am not in my control)

but now these 4 months, i have been meditating, i am reading a lot of books and trying to work on my marriage; i have a sensible sister in law, brothers, good friends everybody to educate me, and i know he does not have anyone; so i have been messaging him excerpts of what i read so that he learns what i am learning and i also told him that i love him and i want to save this marraige and many things,

he is just not responding :bang

i feel like i am fighting with a wall and i have no motivation to work on my marraige; relationship is two way......one person cannot be just silent and other person running to pillar and post trying to mend things

i have not been cooking , washing his clothes, etc; my job is stressful and i do not have time except in the weekends where iam tired most of the time, i am ready to pay for housemaids, my inlaw is just against this, she has been doing all the household chores, but to my shock when i want to do she does not allow me in the kitchen and pulls up a fight and cooks separately (its my home too)

in short she is dominant and wants to run the family; i need to work and just give money nothing more; i am not involved in any decision excpet for the money part (recently we saved 3 lakhs, almost 8 months i have contributed 100% of savings as he lost job - he went and gave the money to his mom; i did not even know he has done this for two long days, when i asked then he said, i fought and he gave me just one lakh which i have saved safely; 2 lakhs he said he cannot give because he has plans to invest in share ???? till date i dont know what he did with that money)

i used most of my savings to run the family, take care of his expenses and reduce his credit card debts; i have been giving giving giving, i now feel like i am nothing but a money minting machine.

now my emotions are dry.....i am tired of his inertia and i want to get separated (but i am not sure if i am cheating myself by going back again or taking a hasty decision and regret later, after 5-10 yrs will all this look like simple trouble which i could have worked, i am scared to be alone, my parents are old and how long can i work and support myself?)

while you all cannot give me suggestions based on one post; i still feel that any piece of adivce would motivate me to some extent;

i can just go on and on with many things. the above said just came to my mind while i am typing

i deeply appreciate your suggestions/advice.

thanks

natpudan · Jan 5, 2010

hello there,

i can actually visualize what you have written in detail.

you are right - divorce is the final resort.

but before coming to that stage make sure you have fully analysed the problems you have in hand.

1. financial - they are dependent on you & you are not dependent on them.

2. emotional attachment to your husband - do you still love him for any reason not mentioned here. take a look again & make sure that there isn't anything in him that compells you to maintain the relationship.

3. forget emails, sms, etc. talk to him openly & discuss all the issues. after the discussion evaluate whether you have answers for all your queries. are you satisfied with the answers. if not part ways.

4. if he continues doing the same as is & keeps listening to his mom, things are never going to work. you will remain the money minting machine & once your income stops for any reason, they will treat you like ****. probably his mom would suggest him to divorce you & get married to another money minting machine.

5. if you are not confident of discussing alone involve elders or friends.

6. even if the answers are satisfying, agree to a time frame with in which things have to change and if not part ways.

i am really sorry for you. it should never happen to any individual.

let's wait for other comments as well.

don't decide hastily by reading few of our suggestions. go through & take a positive step / approach for you & your future.

as you said you too have stress, pressures & limited earning potential. you are not a charity for their wishes & fancies.

i strongly believe in continuing relationship but in your case it seems that you will have to keep compromising & only then the relationship will work.

give a serious thought & best wishes to you for a better future.

Priya16 · Jan 5, 2010

Rishtha,

Is your husband has any other siblings.

Basically your MIL roots in that house are very string and you can't pull out those roots.

Coming to your husband behaviour,I beleive it's very usual among the men.Only thing he is not strong enough to support family financially.

for a mother ,it's a different thing.Even give money or not,that will work with mothere but wife will have different direction of looking things.

Do you have strength to stand up for yourself?Are you wroking now?

Since your husband living in his mother house,so he has everything what he wanted and may not miss you at all.

Also MIL feels,they can get another wife for men very easily.If men try to bend towards wife,typically MIL's will hurt the men EGO.That's why they don't come for any negotiations..

Even if you go back,I don't think any chance in the environement and same thing will continue.

How old is your MIL.Only things could improve when your MIL gets old and not able to take care of her needs.So automatically she should able to depened on you.

There is no easy advise here.It's all depend on what you want and on your strengths.

sandu · Jan 6, 2010

Dear Rishtha,
I admire your honest and fair evaluation of yourself. Not many people speak about their own shortcomings when they speak about their in-laws' or husband's wrong-doings.

Coming to your marriage, you have got good answers from other posters before me. The main problem (and the one that differentiates your husband from the others) is his lack of earning power. That is very important for any marriage to work. You must find ways to make him work and earn and contribute towards running the household, if you want to get back to him. But before that, you must answer 2 things:
1. Is your husband willing to change? Is he willing to earn and save for the future of yourselves and your future kids?
2. How long are you willing to wait for him to change?

Unless the answer to the first question is a definite yes, I do not see how things will improve.

Although you have been patient long enough, let me tell you this - divorce is not easy. It is not a pill that will get rid of your troubles. In case you do remarry after a divorce, what will you do if, God forbid, you end up with a husband as lazy/irresponsible as this one?? Ristha, you cannot call it quits that easily. I am not sure if the courts will grant you a divorce if there is no grave reason like physical abuse, polygamy, etc, unless there is mutual consent.

Does your husband himself want to divorce you? What put this idea into your head? Is it because you are made the beast of burden in this relationship that you feel that you are better out of it??

Think twice, Rishtha. Getting rid of partners is not so easy as job-hopping or bus-hopping. You have made a life-long committment. You must try out all possible means to set your life right, to correct your husband, before giving up. When a woman wills something, she can achieve it. Only that you must know what to do and how to achieve what you want.

To start with, just as you have listed the negatives of yourself and your husband so beautifully, why dont you list your positives? That is, what can your husband provide you with? If this business is suffering, what else can he shine in? If he is not a graduate, will undergoing a diploma or some other course help him? Or, will he prosper if he joins some other persons in their business? What about looking for a job with a company?? You have not provided details about his area of business, so I cannot suggest anything solid... but what about becoming the accountant or taking tuitions? He must slowly build his career. the advantage of running one's own business is that one can do other jobs in parallel, if one learns to manage time effectively. Why dont you people consult a career advisor?

Your husband is going through a bad patch now on losing his job. Added to that, he is alone under the influence of his mother. So, do not expect him to be caring and loving to you when you are away. That is a fair expectation. But, unfortunately, not many of us are blessed with husbands who have a spine and can think on their own. So, your husband is probably behaving aloof now. Why dont you go back to your husband's house and put in your efforts from there? It is after all, your house, isnt it?

Coming to your mil, please stop expecting anything out of her. If you lower your expectations, your disappointments will come down. I am sad to hear that she did not care for you and is only money-minded. Dont feel frustrated at all that... many mil's are like that.

You must take your life into your hands. As someone already pointed out, you are the money-minting machine. Unless you hand over your salary to the others, they are not going to lay their hands on it, are they?? You lay down the rules.

One more thing - I do not know why your family is advising you to call it quits. Probably there is more to your story than what meets the eye from this single post. If there is something pressing, please let us know so that we can give our suggestions accordingly. Otherwise, with what you have described, I am afraid many people will not suggest a divorce rigthaway.

Good luck!
Sandhya

rishtha · Jan 11, 2010

i called my husband today; we argued for about an hour.

he said iam living in an illusionary world and have problems because i see things negatively. he has been trying to get a job even low paid ones but is not getting; i never lived with him fully because i do not have confidence in him and he does not have confidence in me either.

he can do graduation as he is already almost in streets trying to make ends meet, even this phone call will become his expense as he is in a different state currently trying to find some business opportunity, i dont care even if he is dead i only listen to my parents and keep comparing my lives with that of others, try to implement things that i read in book

according to him marriage should not be worked; but accepted and lived.....i have only joined his family and i have to adjust his mom who may remain only few more years as she is old, and i am also hurting her by my words.....i have lot of ego if a woman has so much how much will a male have? - his words

i just end up arguing blah blah blah..........

till now only i have spoken about separation even he is getting fed up but as of yet not thought about getting separated.........

what shall i do ILs where should i start from? i am scared to provide any financial support even when he is saying things like he is almost in streets (i told him he should earn and take care as he is not in streets because of family expenses, its because of the kind of debts he has doing business wrongly) we do not have kids and literally i take care of all my financial needs and his mother is earning and takes care........

he says whatever i did in eight months i have brought back all that money (talking about the one lakh that i have brought to save) i asked him what happened to the 2 lakhs he is saying he used it for EMI etc etc........

do i have any HOpe?

Priya16 · Jan 12, 2010

rishtha,

Each one will take some time to ralise there mistakes.So be quite for sometime ,dont think seperate not to go back.Do whatever you have been doing and don't think regular basis.Continue on other activits like guy and your work.
Your MIL and your husband needs sometime to understand there mistake and give them sometime.From your post,your husband do know what wrong with him and with his mom.But it's difficult to agree with them.So let him be settle with job or whatever and don't talk with him about divorce regulary.If he calls you talk atleast some good words.
I think your MIL also may relaise.Anyhow she is old lady and she should know she can't run the family and she should relase her control .
So give them time and wait and eatch.Continue with your work.

feduptocore · Jan 12, 2010

Hi Rishta,
Your husband seems like a overgrown irresponsible child.... His mom being widowed maybe has sheltered him from all external problems and worked her life for his needs and this he expects from his wife....
I think you should stay where u are unless the rest of your family objects or you feel that you a burden to them then shift into a working women's hostel or pg accommodation. Let a few more months or may be a year go by...always keeping in touch with a occasional hello how are things with your MIL & Husband forget about the 2 lacs... don't mention it.. think of it as a charity to one poor soul.. ... if you feel that in this period their attitude towards you hasn't changed then think of the next step.
Your Dh is in the dumps now.. like a wounded lion and is going to attack at all and sundry give him time to cool down.
Your MIL is a typical text book type so ignore that aspect for now.
You go on living our life as you want to ... let time show you the way...
K

rishtha · Jan 12, 2010

thank you all for your replies and support i just log in everyday to read your words of encouragement.

since i had this phone call with hubby; certain things are dawning in me... do i love him enough to put through this? yesterday after the cold call we both had; we seriously have lost confidence and are on our witts end.............i need to muster enough hope and love to fight through all this....right now i see a small diny dot only, which is also fading and seriously its affecting other areas of my life.

all i wanted when i got married is to be happy with somebody who will take care of things, somebody who is ambitious and successful in life; but what i got is just the opposite of it and i am unable to just take it

all i want him to do is to run our family and nothing will make me happy but my husband taking care of me and our future family;though i think of my husband as a loser there is an inner part of me which does not long for materials things they are all secondary all i want to do is live with someone happily; someone who will be there for me, someone whom i can get and give love etc etc.

i sent him a message telling that whatever is the income he can bring i will adjust and run family and am ready to lead a simple life, he replied to me telling that he will keep me happy for sure. and not to worry always..this is atleast positive than all the other talks we had.........but God has to give me the strenght to endure whatever test he is putting me through

i am happy and successful minus my marriage life; but this marriage association is what is pulling me down miserably...

i am still not sure if we both are made for each other and how to work things out to be made for each other.........

my state right now is confused...........

sandu · Jan 15, 2010

Rishta,
Many of the things your husband had told you in the phone call seem to be the old, conventional way of thinking. he is trying to lower your morale and make you feel bad by pointing out things like "you have married him and you are the bahu and you must adjust", etc. He is giving vent to his anger by speaking harshly to you. You must not take it! Next time he talks like this (or even this time you can email him if you like), tell him that you have been doing your best to earn and sustain your family, and that now, you want to make certain things clear, that you have certain expectations of a family life and from him, that you want to build your own future instead of ruthlessly handing over everything to him to invest. Tell him that you trust him and that is why you have him your salary earlier. But he does not trust you; that is why he is not frank/honest with the expenditure/investments he made. For your own future:
- you must save as much as possible, esp. because he is not yet earning
- cite some tax rebate purpose and save everything in LIC, NSC, PPF, etc. in your name, nominating your husband.

Is his mother aware of the fact that he is penniless and on the streets? One thing that surprises me is how she keeps her purse strings tied even when her dear son is penniless...
Whatever, if your husband is penniless and you are still interested in continuing this married life with him, you must make arrangements for him to live a better life. Does he stay with his mom? Does she not give him any money? Why dont you invite him to your (parents'?) house for a couple of days/weeks? treat him well and see if that makes any difference. Do not give him much cash, but make sure his needs are met. How reliable is he with cash? (I am sorry, I could not understand from your posts if he wastes money by spending unnecessarily, or saves everything in his/his mother's name and invests everything in the sinking business). You must lay down the rules, Rishta. Plan and act. What do you want him to do, how do you want him to behave if he can live with you? He will probably listen to you if you treat him well. Do not make him feel like a loser. Men's ego is huge. They do not take that type of demeaning lightly.

Your husband asks you to trust him - now you tell him to trust you and let you manage your salary yourself. If he places 50% of the trust you placed in him, then, he will not worry about you ditching his mother or him!

He is feeling low now because he is jobless. Do not talk about the 2 lakhs. He has been unfair, but this is not the time to bring that up. Focus on the future and if all goes well, your husband will earn that amount and much more sooner.

As I said earlier, battles are won easily if you are living with your husband, rather than away from him, giving ample opportunity to your interfering mil to muddle his brains more. Now, tell me, what are your worries on going back to that house?
- Do you not like him and are you looking for a divorce?
- Are you afraid they will harm you?
- Are you afraid they will usurp your salary?
- What else??

Good luck!
Sandhya

SriVidya75 · Jan 15, 2010

Rishtha

Even before thinking of whether to live or not live with your husband or in this marriage...I have a question..What is your motivation that makes you want to keep this marriage alive??? or to make this marriage work???

You have clearly listed down what are your needs/wants/expectations out of this marriage.

You want a husband who can take care of you and your future kids, a husband who supports his wife and stands by her during tough times both emotionally and physically, a husband who looks at his wife with some respect but not just like a money machine or some societal status symbol, a husband who is an ADULT

Almost every other marriage, goes through this struggle about inlaws...in some its MIL in some its FILs issues..but finally the bottom line or question is...what is it that makes you want to live with him???? what are the good things that you see in him??? I understand sometimes during wedding when emotions are running high you didnt think about these..now that you are married, you might be wondering can you even think of such questions now?? but its never too late..

Ask yourself what is it that makes you want to live with him. Is it because you dont want to be divorced? Is it because you are afraid of living alone in this society?? what is the fear / stigma you have??Please do not treat that keeping this marriage alive by hook or crook as a challenge...thats not the challenge here. you being married is not the expectation, you being happily married is the expectation. So if you are not happy and daily you are going through so much of physical and mental stress iwth no loving words or gestures or feelings around you, it would make any sane person go crazy and will make them run away..(thats what you have been doing)

Divorce may / may not be a solution to all the problems in marriage. But if basic compatability is lacking and the expectations differ, separation would automatically happen.

Moreover your husband sounds very conventional 16th century kind of thoughts. He doesnt seem to care a bit if his wife is running away from him. What is the initiative he has taken all this while to keep this marriage??? if there was no initiative from his side, till date, inspite of you both knowing the fact that you have been supporting him financially all this while and still he doesnt find that motivation to pursue you to come back, YOU REALLY GOT TO THINK!!!! is it that he doesnt care about marriage/ you and what does he want finally??? only money???

Please do not lie to yourself. Take sometime off from all this pleading/begging/pursuation of wanting to keep this marriage. Ask yourself what you want in a husband and from a husband. List down those things and against each of those qualities rate your husband on a scale of 1 to 10 and do it with much sincerity..for your own benefit. you would know and realise lot of things.

Also, in future, even if you both live togheter, stop running to your parents everytime you get into afight or a problem with your husband. Try to be independant. Share an apt or live single and understand how life would be even if you want to quit this marriage. Parents/siblings wont be around all your life, everyone has to live their own life. So first of all you need to grow up even before you tell him to stop being influenced by his mom.

Also stop bringing these money talks in between atleast for few days till you figure out whether you want to liv eiwth him or not...If you plan to live iwth him, make it clear that you are going to save certain % of your salary in a separate account for security of your family and he has to accept that and rest of the amount give it to him, and forget about it, what he does iwth it. whether he gives it to his mom or what he does with it. That way you have some amount saved up for rainy day and also you are sharing the family burden. gives you some peace of mind.

Above all I still feel you really need to give a thought about this so called marriage arrangement. Nothing seems to be in place in this relationship. All he wants is your money and his mom. When you are feeling that everything in your life is going great except for this marriage, might be you have to think and analyze whether what you are expecting from this person, is it really acheivable or not. or set your expectations right to keep this marriage alive.