Is arrange marriage loveless?

IG- Expressing love to their wives sound "artificial" to most men because perhaps they are not doing it from their heart- its a means to an end so they are going through the motions. To most women it is not necessarily getting a box of candy or a piece of jewellery but true appreciation through words and action. We do it (or should) to our parents or siblings or best friends so why not the most important person in our lives. I believe EVERYONE in our lives should be made to feel special especially the closest and nearest. Nothing artificial about it. Very unnatural to feel that, in my opinion.

In "manly" terms it is this way- when you go for a job interview or try to get a new client (read important client) etc, you try to impress, be on your best behaviour. The goal is to get the job or client but once you get that, is your work over? what if you stop working hard at your job after you start working? Or once the client is on board, you stop listening to them or catering to their needs or stop the special customer service? In first case you would be fired and second you lose your important client. Anyone who thinks that after closing the deal they can be complacent is not likely to suceed much in their professional life. In fact a smart professional knows that once you get that job opportunity you work extra hard to prove the decision to hire was the best. When you get that imp client on board you work hard at earning their business.

In a marriage, you work extra hard to AFTER marriage to prove to your significant other that you are the best spouse (applied to both genger equally) OR it translates to either discordant or unhappy relationship if BOTH parties dont continue to work on it. Or worse, a seperation and/or divorce. Most women (and men, I am sure) are not just looking for a spouse with a good job and one who does not abuse them, they want someone who loves them and is not scared to express it.


Lastly its not necessarily courtship but rather expression of devotion and love that you for your significant other. Its not "filmy" but natural acts of love. If a man does not make ANY efforts to epressive love, it does mean he does not think you are worth it and does not love enough (I am not talking about some very shy or reticient men- there are women like that too moreover its a personality quirk) but about majority of men.

Ladies- If a man loves you, he will express it - deeply and from the heart. Oh yes if he does truly filmy stuff, we will enjoy it - why not ......but we all know we are not seeking over the top filmy display- which even in movies it looks cheesy I speak for Majority of women when I say we are looking for small simply acts of love and appreciation which no man should have to feel artificial doing.

 

Hi Maya, our relation was very similar to you, except that my husband (even myself but still could not accept the truth) do not want to live this way and is going for separation after 1 year of marriage.
Try to be emotionally and physically independent from him. Develop some hobbies and interests and show/share with him how happy you are with your interests. Do not argue with him when situation comes, be silent. No complaints at allll. Treat him only as a friend for some time. Sacrifice is the pillar of love life, so do not expect anything from him. Be unavailable for his household needs.
If he wants you he will come your way.

 

Be patient,confident,independent,cheerful,active,fit,healthy & smart.use tactics.no man would ignore you.

 

I know this is an older post, but I am new to IL and have been perusing through the forums.
@sdiva20 - I really liked your response "Anyone who thinks that after closing the deal they can be complacent is not likely to suceed" - Very well said! The problem with most people is that they take relationships especially marriages for granted as they think its done for life (because that's how it used to be anyway, and even now marriages are sticky things- we invest too much into a marriage, and its very hard to dissolve one). But how much more happy we would make our partners, if we didn't just take our marriage for granted, but put effort onto it like we do at our jobs and professional projects. The big difference is that at a job and client, we have to constantly be at our toes. But with a loving partner, the results of such effort are bound to be a grateful heart, deeper love, and a more beautiful life...
@maya84 - I am curious and wondering if things improved with your DH?

 

After this got bumped up, I read the first post, and a few others who say "same here". Isn't women trying to foist the responsibility for their own happiness on a spouse, the problem in all these cases ?

Reading a bunch of IL cases where the husbands or the in-laws are actively harassing the lady of the house could be a quick cure for this.

 

It is not about love or arranged marriage. It is all about to understand what is your partners mental and physical need. But our Indian society only think from man view. Even in 21st century many men feel that they can behave the way want with their spouse. It is a sad truth. Rather than fighting with this situation I suggest you to focus on other people who loves you dearly who brings happiness in your life and stop expecting from your husband. Now do not waste more time, life is so precious you can't lose hope because one person in life is not showering love on you. See which things, work etc brings happiness in your life work towards it. These things will give you some hope in your life. All the best

 

It is my 11 th year of marriage and it took almost 10 years (Just started taking baby steps only ) to realise lot of crucial things about relatioship with spouses. Slowly I have realised, learnt though this forum as well as own observations, that we are solely responsible for our happiness.

It is not the DH responsibility to make us happy. Understand that fact and dont expect him to be expressive. It is their basic nature . If we understand this fact, we will not have resentment towards DH for not expressing love.

As long as he is helping you in your work, with kids, does not have any other affairs etc..Then things are very much fine.



It will take time to instill these, But they are worth it for life long happiness.