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irritatingly overconfident husband

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by april1981, Jul 9, 2010.

  1. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    April,

    This is just 2 cents.All your life you worry that your husband not saving enough and when your son's grow up and when he start his life then you would pretend that you didn't enjoy your life with your husband and worried about that money and that money was not propery using by son-DIL.
    My advise,No way you can change your husband.It's unnessary vain even to worry or try to change your husband.
    Do these thigns.If you know,he has given some money then you call them and try to get some money.
    Or
    Go and buy some property and have your husband pay for it monthly.

    Whevenr he has money,take more amount from them and put it in some place where you can't break them.So do it wisly but if you try to change your husband ,you just loose your time where you can enjoy your married life.
     
  2. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    April, is it possible to get him to promise you that he will give 10% to charity and 90% goes to you? You can tell him that you will pay the bills (which I am sure you will), get groceries, run the house, save etc etc. 10% he can do what ever he wants...what say? Can you attempt this? will he agree?

    On other note, your son is 5 years old now. He knows and feels if there is tension at home. Not talking for months isnt a good sign for either your relationship with your husband or a positive impact on your son. Think about it. perhaps you can tell your husband that you dont want the child to know your problems....at least for him you need to patch up quickly?
     
  3. april1981

    april1981 Gold IL'ite

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    @rakhii: He says yes yes to everything that I say , but in the end they are all empty promises.
    I will give you ex
    like I said we should buy b'day for DD he said I don't have money now, I get so irritated when he says that
    Also if I tell him the car needs servicing, or light bills need to be paid , he says he has no money and he will do it afterwards. I do have money and I can take care of all these exp , but the thing is if I start doing all these things , he will take a back seat. atleast now he knows he only has to do it.
    Also my monthly expenses money he does not give on time. I am a stay-at-home mom, from where will I bring money. he gives me on 20th of every month , and he has still not given me the last month's. So you can understand how frustating it will be.
    Also he does not manage properly, so his business is also affected. too musc credit he gives to clients, so these people take him for granted and don't give him money properly, so he is always short of cash. I have told him gently many times not to do this, but now the situation is such that he does not tell me anything, because he feels how can she teach me how to do business.
    I don't know how to make him understand.
     
  4. kma

    kma Gold IL'ite

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    Why dont you slowly start getting involved in the business? Atleast then, some things will be in your control. How long will u leave things in the hands of such an unreliable person? Tell him that you will help him out in the business and start enforcing some strict rules there. That is your best hope.
     
  5. april1981

    april1981 Gold IL'ite

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    @kma : I have tried this too. All he tells me is I will involve you after I have sorted it out. I told him I will help you sort it out , but he won't listen. God help me!!!!
     
  6. JayaJ

    JayaJ Senior IL'ite

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    hi,

    My co-sister had the same problem with my BIL. He would give away money to all his frenz....in our community, the woman are not allowed to take part in business but with BIL like that, no money would stay at home...
    she tried telling him - softly, harshly..got relatives to advise him. He would say yes yes, but continued like he was...
    so, one day, she put her foot down and said i am coming with you to handle the business and just went...he ofcourse didnt want her to come and gave excuses that he will behave himself, not lend money and all that...but she stubbornly insisted and started handling the business slowly....

    now, she handles it completely and the money is controlled by her and safe in her hands....she is happy and BIL doesnt say anything...

    Maybe, you could put your foot down and override your hubby's excuses...just start getting involved irrespective...go to the shop and sit...?
     
  7. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    When at parents place I felt this was the biggest pain of life... irregular flow of money but yes love prevailed at all corners, I seldom felt alone.. post marriage I dont have this problem but few different ones of equal or higher intensity.

    Try starting some home business and leave your DH to himself, if he's failed to be responsible, he may either need some more time or none.
     
  8. Eastlady

    Eastlady New IL'ite

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    Whats with our men? In India, more than any other society in the world has been the spoken and unspoken tradition of man being the provider and woman being the nurturer. And more often than not, we women are left to manage both roles and run the finances of the household. I think we learn to take on and give in too much as I am realizing in my own marriage as well. Maybe time to take action:

    - Ask him clearly for either a percentage (like 90%) or a fixed amount every month. Ensure the amount is more than needed to pay your groceries, utilities, childcare, domestic help etc.

    - Open a bank account and deposit x amount every month into that account from the money he gives you for both of your future and to create a nest egg.

    - Ask him to open a CD in your child's name and he should deposit x amount in that CD too

    - If he refuses or delays in giving money to you, go ahead and take some from his wallet whenever you get a chance. You can always tell him later that you needed it for an emergency or to 'help' someone out.

    - Emotionally work on him so that he can buy gifts/ presents for you and your daughter and the house close to a birthday or anniversary so that he knows and realizes that is a necessary expense too. Go out for dinner or movies together whenever you can and maybe the outings will force him to enjoy and spend time and money on his family.

    His personality seems difficult to change so you will have to be creative to take out money from him and be the smart one and start investing. Do invest for your future since it is unlikely your husband will do it for you and your child.
    If you are in India, there are plenty of courses offered by FICCCI and Chambers of commerce on 'financial saviness for women' - attend those courses to learn a few things about investing and managing money. Even better if you can take your husband with you on one of these seminars.

    Lots of luck and keep us informed.....
     
  9. april1981

    april1981 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi eastlady
    Thanks for your advice. I have tried every trick to extract money from him,, lovingly , aggressively... but since he is the provider I have to depend on him and not the other way round . Also his wallet is never loaded , so the question of taking money from his wallet does not arise. Actually I have saved some money which he does not know and also he gives me extra money every month. But now what is going on is he is given me the household expenses of may in june and so on.. so it has been delayed by 1 month. If money is not given on time what is the use.

    His problem is he doesn't know to effectively manage finance, where money can be saved he does.. and then says I don't have money. And add to that his passion for charity...yeah that is what it is PASSION . So you can understand what a deadly combination. This time I lied and told him I need money for hospital expenses and he gave me.. but this lie will not always work. . I fely very guilty lying.. because this is not who I am.. But I thought before that money goes into someone else's pocket let me take it.

    I want to know a way to drill it in his empty head to that money saved is money earned... I have tried talking to him but he is one of those person's who thinks that he is right. We are not on talking terms since last 1.5 months, we stay in the same house but do not talk. It's always like this whenever we fight , and it is always becayuse of money we don't speak to each other unless I have made an effort and broken the ice and I have and only I have made the effort every time.
    I cannot fo for a job since my daughter is samll nad mother has told me that I will not take care of her, you don't need to go for a job since your daughter is small and we don't have day care's in India, so that leaves me in the same situation and also I would add that I ahve taken him to a counsellor also but IT did not help.
     
  10. Eastlady

    Eastlady New IL'ite

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    I feel for you. I wish there was some way for you to direct him to this forum so that he can get some sense into him.....
    how about any common very close friends or family members (excluding MIL of course) - can they drill some sense into him?
     

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