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irritatingly overconfident husband

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by april1981, Jul 9, 2010.

  1. april1981

    april1981 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi everyone,

    I am 29 yrs, married for 7yrs with a 5yr old daughter. Me and my hus have very frequent fights, like we will be ok for 2 months and they we will have a fight and not talk for 2 to 3 months. This a really taking a toll on me. The main reason for fights are finances.
    And this has been the reason since the last 7 yrs. I don't have mother-in -law problems since she passed away , also sister in laws mind their own business and don't bother that much. But when one;s problem is your own husband , what can I do.
    We both are very different natured , I am the practical type where I like the bills to be paid on time and generally don't like any last minute jitters. He on the other hand is total opp. The problem is he never has money when it is needed. He is too much into charity. He gives priority to charity than any other expenses. So we end up fighting.



    Even before 15 days I told him to book train tickets for my sis wedding.That month he had given me only 10 % of the monthly expenses that he normally gives and had told me I will give the remaining money later. In that miniscule amt he is telling me give me that money to book the tickets , I will return it tomorrow. The problem is his tomorrow never comes and so I got irritated and I told him " first of all you give me X amt and in that you are asking half the amt , how do you expect me to run the house". He is telling me you have to adjust and all rubbish.
    He tells me I have stopped giving charity but I don't trust him .

    I am saying this because he has lied in the past.
    So now we both have stopped talking to each other and also I have stopped asking him for any money or anything regarding payments of bill.
    But how long will this continue. He will never come for truce and of the 1000 times that we have fought , I am the only person who has to say sorry even if it is not my fault.
    No amount of talking has done any good, even kindly or otherwise. Also counselling has not helped because he thinks whatever he has done is correct.
    Otherwise he is a very good person and father , no vices .. nothing. But his overconfidence in himself bugs me and also he has no financial sense.
    Wastes money a lot where it could have been saved, and even if I tell him kindly do like this he will say yes and do the exact opp behind my back.
    I don't know what to do.
    What should my approach be towards him. pls advice.
     
  2. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear April,

    Hugs and love to you. I can understand that you are frustrated and its very hard to be thinking straight when you have financial issues due to immaturity of one person.

    Here are some suggestions.
    • Tell you Dh very nicely that you don't mind any of his charities and he can do whatever he wants IF he gives you 80% of his salary every month.
    • If he says yes then immediately get it direct deposited to your account.
    • Also stop covering for him. I have seen many many men behaving like this because wife will anyways take care of things.
    • If nothing works you need to jolt him. Separate temporarily or tell him you will if he does not change.
    I am speaking from personal experience. My own sister had such issues. It almost broke her family. Also we did not know that the guy actually had gambling issues.

    Take steps while you still have time. Good Luck.

    FL
     
  3. SreeSri

    SreeSri Gold IL'ite

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    not talking for 2 months?:O that too frequently... OMG, I cant hold on opening my mouth in few hours, the worst we stop talking would be a day or two..
     
  4. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    It means whatever you are doing is not working.There is no use of fighting with this kind of personalites.Send him an email saying that you are looking for some kind f=of charity to buy tickets.
    Deal with him in his own terms.How was your financial status?
    If he asks for money back tell that you given to someone or you don't have any.Buy more groceries and everything whenever you get money and don't leave any money with you.If you some money go and keep it in postoffice or soemthing like that.Don't keep any money with you.
    Train ticket,since you know your husband type,be proactive.
    Paying bills whenever you get more moeny put in some place for future use not in house.
    Send him an email for charity if you really needed some big amounts.Since he told that he stopped it then act like beleive him.If he keep on insist then thing could go out of control.
    Ask him to balance money coming and expenses.Sit with him and write down the things.That way he and you would get better picture.But don't nag and that will not help.
     
  5. april1981

    april1981 Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks for all your responses
    @found love : thankfully he has no gambling issues . His main problem is if someone asks him for money for reasons varying from ill health to daughter's marriage , he cannot say "no". I am scared that people don't take advantage of him. I do have money with me , since he gives me an "X" amount of money extra every month. But if I use the money to pay bills , he will become more carefree and will be free of that responsibilty. I want him to pay all bills , so that he has atleast completed household duties before charity. I want him to pay me an X amount of money every month.Also he is a businessman , so no fixed amount of money every month.



    @ sree sri : It is true , we go without talking for 2 months or more . I don't feel like talking to him because of his behaviour. and if I don't talk he also never takes the lead , so invariably we end up not talking for months.
    Strange relationship na!!!!:bonk



    @priya 16: Our financial status is okay. WE do have assets. But I don't want to encourage his charity habit. His father was also like that, and he was responsible for other people's prosperity , but in the end his son suffered. I don't want the same fate for my DD>. He is never comfortable discussing finance with me. Also he is very haphazard and laid back in his financial dealings , so I tell him and he doesn't like it. So it is difficult to have a discussion with him regarding this. for ex , if someone owes him money he will not go and collect money from them, so I tell him if you cannot go and collect money why give it in the first place. He will say yes ayes and forget about it . you can say OLD HABITS DIE HARD. is the perfect saying to explain this kind of behaviour
     
  6. Sabitha_K

    Sabitha_K Gold IL'ite

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    I reckon there is more to the tale than your post describes.

    Have you ever asked your husband why does he indulge in charity ? Greater good to the mankind though sounds cliched is highly unlikely.You need to have a talk with your husband on not HOW HE SHOULD AVOID CHARITY but WHY IS HE INVOLVED IN IT .There is a possibility that he is absorbed in charity out of guilt , pain or something else.In order to solve your problem you need to understand the depth of it.Everyone does a bit of charity at times according to their stature and how much they can give back the society.Based on your post, looks like he has excessive compulsive philanthropy.Try to understand more about what he does and how he feels.Slowly try to ween him by imbibing that CHARITY BEGINS FROM HOME and if he can take care of you and the house that would also add to his brownie points in being a good samaritan.

    Secondly, I was aghast knowing that living under the same roof , you and your DH maintain great distance by not talking to each other after a fight.Yes , yes I know that groveling and pleading to relent needs a HUMONGOUS heart and all of us are endowed with only the size of a fist.The mantra is to rote in mind that the one who thaws first is not a LOSER but the one who takes control of things ( BIG TIME WINNER ).If you were to approach your DH first then there is absolutely nothing wrong.I understand that your fear is if you were to do this often then your DH might not appreciate your efforts.Trust me , he does , he knows and infact he would be waiting for you to broach.The mental agony he experiences repressing himself ,waiting for you be the first one to talk , infact makes him a lot smaller than you ( if it is of any consolation ) ! Talk talk talk ..and that is the only weapon needed to win any battle.
     
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2010
  7. april1981

    april1981 Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks Sabitha for your reply,

    Actually his charity habit can be genetic(If somthing like this is possible) , because his father was also involved in charitable causes but he was very rich and could afford to do so.
    Actually his problem also is that he does not know to handle money well, haphazard judgements, thinking too much from the heart. No amount of talking with him can do any good. Giving too much credit to his clients...You have to ue your brains to survive in this competitive world. IF he is going to do business like this , it would be difficult for him to survive. I am trying to drill this thought into his brain.,, but ALAS...
     
  8. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    April, sorry to scare you.. but this appears to be heridetary.. also with my grandpa, dad & bro and we've borne the brunt of it.....
    Life finds it ways, either you have problem X or problem Y in your life :coffee...
     
  9. april1981

    april1981 Gold IL'ite

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    Just my exact thoughts Shilpa ma. But this question always pops up in your mind ....Why me?????
     
  10. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear April,
    Hugs and love to you. Its not your fault so don't beat yourself up.Think if he was an abuser instead ;its better to have this issue in taht case right.

    Now I know he has a busines is it possible for you to get X amount from him every month either by directly going to his work environment or by telling him that you will not bother him if he gives that to you. He can then do whatever he wants with the rest.

    At least you will have something in hand.

    Hope this helps.
    FL
     

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