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Irritating Friend.

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by paru123, Dec 25, 2021.

  1. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    There is a " friendly to all " person in my society. She is actually a good person on whom anyone can rely for food/mental support in case of any medical/other emergency/problems. She talks well to all, enquires about each one, shares about her daily affairs, all the homemakers like her. Never seen office going ladies chit chat with her as first of all they dont have time and secondly reliance/dependence for moral support is absent.

    I also like her for her so called qualities. But I am not like her. I am not so friendly to all, nor that helpful as her. I dont like to share anything too personal with her or anyone as first of all I feel whatever shared may not remain with her alone. She can gossip or just tell whatever she hears to a third person. My life is pretty much the same everyday, so not much to talk about. Also am not a good cook that I can talk about my culinary skills.

    Now coming to the issue, if there are any pooja, parties, functions or marriages in any house, she is always invited and also everyone else. She without fail, attends every program ,whereas ,I had missed some in the last 2 years bcos of covid and some of my personal problems. One lady invited her but not me this time for pooja in her house. After the pooja she came to me to enquire why I didnt attend. I told I was not invited. I was more affected mentally by her questioning than being not invited. Again yesterday there was a Birthday party and her kids were invited but not mine. She came to me to ask about my absence , as if she has won some Miss Universe prize by being invited.
    I feel she is simply irritating me. I am not effected if they dont invite, but my mood gets spoiled after she talks to me.
    She is a tenant in the society and somewhere I feel she is feeling inferior about that, so she tries to spoil my mood and she is always successful. She speaks the same language as me and everyone in the society feels that we are very good friends but it's not like that.

    Cant avoid her as we bump onto each other while running for errands.

    How do I prevent spoiling my mood ? I feel very sad when I sense her pride about being invited. If it was anybody else, I would just say " Who cares", but she knows to prick the right place in the heart. How to avoid this disappointment.
     
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  2. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Why are you letting this woman get into your head? Is she really trying to put you down or is it your perception?Just say matter of factly that you were not invited and don’t entertain further conversation on the topic. It’s better to keep some distance with all your neighbors anyway.
    You know the saying “familiarity breeds contempt”.
     
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  3. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    I dont know but somehow this lady is registering the fact into my head that I was not invited and the next time when I see them I feel animosity towards the person who didnt invite me. This has happened with 2 to 3 people in the past and then the relation gets spoiled. Basically even if no one invite me I dont have any issues. I feel good that I don't have to dress up and go. She just want to feel good that she is better than me. I am not in competition with her but somehow she gets satisfaction by letting me down. She is not a true person at heart and I.know this very well. Just because she speaks same language, I dont want to offend her. My blood pressure just rises when she comes n ask me why I was not invited. Without letting her know my irritation, I want to calm my mind when she talks about how she was invited for a function.
     
  4. Sweety82

    Sweety82 Gold IL'ite

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    Sometimes people come into our life and make ours depressed. I think you can move with her as if nothing can spoil you. Some people will irritate us softly. If she says that why you were not invited you can softly say 'I don't care'. However, you should not care about it really. Don't care... You can divert your focus on some other things like sloka classes or whichever you would like to focus on and keep yourself busy. Minimize your time with her...She will understand i believe. But do not express or share any dissatisfaction or anything emotional BC these ppl expect these kind of things from you. Even i have got stuck with a person and now i have maintained some distance.. If that is not possible, do not share anything with her and behave as if you dont care whatever she shares with you..
    MINIMIZE your time with her....
     
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  5. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    I will be careful not to share anything with her and literally run away on seeing her. She did try to catch up with me last day, but I just stayed far away. I have to be very careful because any comment said by me, can be used against me life long.
     
  6. Afresh

    Afresh Gold IL'ite

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    hi,
    I do understand your situation but as everywhere you would be advised and since you know it in your heart , it's just that you shouldn't truly care.
    There will always be such ppl in this world and it might not be how you perceive it always but her ways do not gel with yours , so you shouldn't bother about trying to maintain any kind of relationship ( if it bothers you) with the person which affects you mentally.
    One way would be just an easy say to her face , the next time such an incident happens that' please do not ask me as I feel poked by your words and develop negative feelings for others unnecessarily'

    I must confess ,that this advice may be treated gingerly( and with a pinch of salt) on your own intuition as with the pandemic developments, social skills have gone for a toss nowadays mostly with people unable to practice their regular socialisation behaviour ;). My skills may also be rusted ;) :)
     
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  7. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    In any group of friends, neighbors, relatives, or even WhatsApp groups, there are people who are "kind to all" and "inquire about well-being." They are crucial and play an important role. They're like the essential ingredient in a recipe that's hard to maintain in the pantry.

    Because it's in her character to probe, she's asked you multiple times about events you didn't attend. She would do this to anyone, and she isn't doing it to irritate you in particular.

    Protect your mood and peace of mind by responding to her questions in a way that also concludes the discussion for you. When you reflect back on how you handled the conversation, you should feel a sense of satisfaction with how you managed it.

    So, when you're not annoyed, compile a list of responses. Use them as needed. Here are a lot of suggestions:
    • What party? Where was it? When was it? (Ask wide-eyed).
    • Why do you ask? (she will say something) Again say, "Why do you ask?"
    • Oh the party at Sunita's house? Oops.. I must have missed the invitation. Was I included in the invitation?
    • I'll give you three guesses. (If she starts guessing, say "Hmmm... not quite... I'll give you three more." after each guess.)
    • You tell me?
    • Nevermind why I was not there. Tell me all about the party.
    • That's an excellent question.
    • Oh there was a party. Tell me all about it. Who all were there?
    • Oh the party? You know, I was thinking what will be a good venue for parties in Covid time?
    • Oh the party? When was it? (she will say something). You were invited?
    • I haven't given it much thought. (change the topic) So, do you think schools will go back to online?
    • Thank you for asking. But I'd love to hear about your hobby/ walk/ yoga / child / project.
    • Funny that you should ask.
    • Did you go? How was the party? (keep asking rapid-fire questions)
    • It is so nice of you to ask. How do you manage to keep in touch with everyone and find out what they've been up to?
    • I was wondering the exact same thing. Why wasn't I at the party?
    • Sometimes you say yes, sometimes you say no. (let her wonder what you're implying.)
    • Why not?
    The key is to avoid giving a reason for your absence. Do not exactly say you were not invited. Leave her confused and repeating her question. Change the topic as soon as possible or even better end the conversation. Google "answers to unwanted questions" or "list of non-committal responses" and create your own list of responses that matches your personality.

    Dishing out such responses takes practice. It is a useful skill to develop. However, a more long-lasting method would be to analyze your own reaction. Write about it in a journal. If you are into mindfulness practice, you can learn how to catch yourself before your reaction becomes too strong.
     
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2021
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  8. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    [QUOTE="Afresh, post: 4234090, member:
    One way would be just an easy say to her face , the next time such an incident happens that' please do not ask me as I feel poked by your words and develop negative feelings.[/QUOTE]
    Once I confronted her for such behaviour and tears welled up in her eyes. She knowingly or unknowingly rubs salt in others wounds.
     
  9. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you for the elaborate response. Yesterday again there was a haldi kumkum program in many houses and she would have got another chance to annoy me. Only 1 lady came personally to my house to invite and she said she actually she had forgotten to call me. When I vsited her house, whoever had kept the fasting and seen me there invited me. So it was one after the other I was visiting their houses and in the fifth house I saw my irritating friend with wide eyes opened staring at me. If the first lady had not called, she would have got another chance to taunt me.
    I very well understand that the people who keep the functions dont do it deliberately.
    Thank you again for introducing the concept of mindfulness.
     
  10. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Very good advice.True only we can protect ourselves.Minimize your time with her
     

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