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Irresponsible husband

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by kshine, Nov 7, 2013.

  1. kshine

    kshine New IL'ite

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    Dear ladies,

    I am married for 3 years a and we have 1 year old daughter. Relationship with inlaws was ok from beginning and day by day it got worse. She is a cunning women and wants me to undergo all the sufferings she had gone through with her motherinlaw.
    My husband has got a hobby for which he travels a lot. Initial days i used to accompany him to few places. My husband was good to me till I got conceived and moved to my parents house. My parents and in laws live in the same city. My father passed away when I was 5 months pregnant.
    My husband rarely came after i went to native and insisted on staying at his parents place whenever he came. He never stayed at my parents place. Even after my daughter was born, he was not visiting frequently. The main reason was my mother in law but my husband says that he never felt like visiting us. The relationship between us was spoiled to the core. So much happened, which I don't want to mention here. At one point of time I lost my patience and we fought like anything. Once I apologised and once he apologised.
    I was frequently travelling between our place and my native. I was not getting much help from my husband and also he had an official trip, so I again went to native. I want to rebuild our relationship and last one month I m in my house and my husband was good to our daughter and was even good to me. I m still trying to forget everything and was very patient with him. We talked a lot and life was getting better. He had this travel plan and now he is away for a week for his hobby. Said he planned it long back. Since I didnt want to travel for a week, I asked my mother to co me to our house.
    My husband is now planning for another trip in two months and plans to travel every three months for his hobby. On top of this, there is an official travel plan for a month, which cannot be postponed or dropped. Since its official, I can understand. But he never understands how difficult it is to travel with a kid. Without my consent, he plans and is least bothered about us. He is so obsessed with his hobby, he forgets everything.
    After a long time, we are staying together, but due to his obsession, he spoils everything. Next week, he is travelling for his work and as soon as he is back, he travels for his hobby. So we won't be together for next 2 months, but he is not feeling bad about it. Though he says that he would miss our daughter, I don't know if its real. As soon as he leaves, he forgets us.
    Right from the time, my daughter was born, I feel like a single parent. I was so depressed with my fathers sudden loss, but I got zero support from my husband and his family. Now I am so worried. I m sad most of the time. Again I m going to stay at my mothers place for months together. I am missing my husband terribly. I want him to take care of me and my daughter. But I think its never going to happen. If I start this topic, he says he shouldn't have got married cos he is a different person and not fit for family. He should have thought about this before getting married. No use in talking to my in laws. I m very sacred about the future. I don't know if I will ever lead a normal life like others. I m not working now n don't want to till my daughter joins school.
    Please give your inputs. What should I do. How should I handle my husband?
     
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  2. MaliniHari

    MaliniHari Gold IL'ite

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    Dear friend, hugs! Everything has a way out.

    1. Speak, speak, speak to him.
    2. Keep aside your egos. Speak to him from your heart. Tell him and make him understand the difficulties of being a mom.
    3. I suggest, you might have to leave him with your kid unnoticed for a day. Say some emergency and sneak out of your house. Let your kid be with him and he will understand how diff it is to be a mom.
    4. If his hobby has something to do with spending money, never encourage that.
    5. Start searching for a job immediately. It would do good.
    6. plan something without telling him and take him.
    7. keep him occupied so that he has no time to travel.

    Good luck.
     
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  3. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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    If you don't mind me asking, what is this hobby that needs that much traveling?
     
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  4. heron

    heron Platinum IL'ite

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    Well, what if you say "I will accompany you because I dont want to stay away but you must take full charge of kids"....he might get both points at once.
     
  5. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear OP,

    Let's put the past aside. Let's put what you consider your ILs brainwashing aside. There's nothing you can do about it. So there is no point dwelling on it. Since you say it is reasonably ok when you are with your DH, let's focus on just your family.

    the first year after a baby is usually quite hard - what with the hormones, feeding, lack of sleep, making sure the baby is alright, not putting yourself first as we are normally used to...

    Imo the the problem stems from this - dramatic as it sounds, you are dedicating your entire life to the baby. Everything revolves around your baby. Even going for a bath becomes a big deal. Yet that is considered normal. Your DH works as usual, gets to do hobbies as usual and in his spare time spends time with the baby and gets a great dad label! It does feel lonely even if your DH were around all the time...

    Well, is this about to change? From what I've seen not many guys change much. They love their child and all genuinely, but have their own hobbies which gives them a break from the monotony. On the otherhand, From my experience, after the first year I enjoy life at home so much since the child's development is fascinating to watch. We do lots of activities like going to the park, swim, library, reading books, finger painting etc. Even grocery shopping is so much fun when she tries to help me pick stuff to eat. The stress of the first year isn't there.

    can you go wherever your DH goes for his hobby? It would be different with a child, but surely fun. Without nagging him, just say you miss him, wish to be with him and ask him to take you along. (My husband loves the various sports he plays but will never agree that he prioritises it over us. He gets really cross even if I joke about it. since I don't gain anything by nagging him about it, I try planning around his games) Once there try to occupy yourself by taking your child perhaps for walks. Take up photography. You have a fascinating subject. And even a cellphone camera is a great tool.

    You could check out for toddler activities in your community where you can meet other mums. Or there are bhajan classes for kids... Your dd is too young but that age they do love all kinds of music

    Try to focus on yourself too. Over weekends when he's around, leave the baby with him and go for a hair cut or to meet some frinds or to the gym. Let him bond one on one with the child. (My dd is a wonderful "tool" to keep my DH home. Now 2.5, she'd sweetly say, "please stay" to DH and manages to get him cancel some of his sport related activities! I don't teach her; she genuinely wants her dad!) Perhaps get a cook so you can focus on your child. When he sees you being happy and thriving by yourself, he'd surely want to join hands and play happy families...

    all the best,
    G
     
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  6. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Blame my ignorance if I'm wrong; it sounds terribly like golf to me...
     
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  7. kshine

    kshine New IL'ite

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    His hobby is wildlife photography. I love to join him but our daughter is too young now.
     
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  8. sweetshreya

    sweetshreya IL Hall of Fame

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    You develop a hobby too, one that takes you outside, at least at day time. Join some creative classes, take up a sport or at least go to gym for an hour when he is at home. Then leave the kiddo with him. Do it, for yourself.

    We women loose/sacrifice our everything when we get a child and then for our whole life begrudge the men for keeping their life intact. Its not as if they don't do anything for their kids, a normal good dad also takes responsibilities. But they manage to get me time too. While we women burn in our own guilt if we think about ourselves even for a moment, we curse the men for not being equally stupid.
     
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  9. sweetshreya

    sweetshreya IL Hall of Fame

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    Hee hee... And I was imagining he must be at least a Ranji Trophy level cricket player :rotfl
     
  10. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Ha ha! But his actual hobby is even more glam!!
     
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