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Involving my DH in helping beyond jst words

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by DrKadambari, Jul 1, 2010.

  1. DrKadambari

    DrKadambari Gold IL'ite

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    I am a housewife with a LO who is just a couple of months old.

    My DH says he will help in cleaning / any other work but it just remains words and nothing in action.

    I do daily cooking and take care of LO and work from home which is flexible.

    Routine includes, cooking, cleaning kitchen, feeding LO, bathing LO, Laundry LO's and ours separate once in 2 to 3 days. LO needs attention for long time at times. LO has a good routine so sleeps night and wakes up only early morning during which DH feeds Formula (thats his work). Note i keep all the things ready keeping warm water in flask in the night.

    He comes home evening in the evening starts browsing and watching TV and says, ya ya i will do this work after some time. I keep quite and then we have dinner and I put LO to sleep. DH is still watching TV / browsing. I keep all the things for LO ready for night browse for a while and hit my bed and DH continues with his crap.

    Week ends remains usually the same with DH saying he wd do and do and does nothing. I have also tried the idea of not doing what I expect him to do. It just goes stinking like the work of removing the garbage / vaccum. He does once in 2 months or so... Can you all please throw some ideas how to get make him work.

    Thanks,

    PS: If some coffee cup of mine is left in the leaving room / if some of baby's clothes have fallen down he make face and gives sarcastic words for that but never puts them in place even by mistake... He wants house to be like museum everthing in place.
     
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  2. SHS

    SHS Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi
    I think its not easy to change a person..moreover these things depend on one's upbringing..so u can just try to change his habits slowly n gradually..start by giving him some small tasks to do..i think u should ask him to take care of your LO during weekends or after he comes back from work...i think u cant expect a drastic change in few days or months..without any fights or arguements or any discussions just try to involve him in whatever u do..but i think nothing will happen all of a sudden..so be a little patient..( i am not married so really dont know but when i saw ur post i just couldnt stop myself from responding)..All the best..

    Regards
    Stuti
     
  3. reshsabu

    reshsabu Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    I am a stay at home mom and DH doesnt offer to help much and I can relate with how you feel. The maximum help he does is keep an eye on LO while I go for a shower. My LO is almost 1 yr old and quiet active now.There are times when he is fussy and insists to be carried around. Somedays I carry him around for 1-1.5 hrs continuously which is really tiring.

    Though I am not working, I have exams and certifications to clear and it has not been easy since DH doesnt help.

    My experience - I have tried it all. Several times , I have had long rounds of discussion with him after which DH agrees to help,but after 1 or 2 days, it is all back to the old routine. For eg. Last week I had an exam (which lasted 4hrs) and DH had to baby sit him. He was complaining about how he had to change LO's diaper and feed him formula etc while I was not home.

    I have no advice dear.Honestly, I dont think people will change much.
    In my case, I managed by doing the following -

    1.Gradually developing a regular sleep routine for my LO. Now, he sleeps overnight and has a fixed time for taking afternoon nap ( usually 2 hrs).

    2.I wake up at around 6am so that I can get about 2-3 hrs in the morning to finish off household chores and do some studies.

    3.I have set the expectation that I will not have guests /parties at home unless DH helps.

    Since you are working, all I can suggest is - see if you can get some help. If you are in India, you could get a maid. Also, keep things simple -cook stuff that is easier to make, stock up food that will last longer in fridge etc.

    But dont overdo things and agree to unreasonable demands. If DH wants the house to look like a museum , he will have to do some work . PERIOD.
     
  4. DrKadambari

    DrKadambari Gold IL'ite

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    Yeh True SHS, its all about his upbringing. He would be a bookworm during studies and during work never at home but roaming in India / Watching TV itseems. He tells this with great pride.

    Resh : Now am managining however once LO starts crawling I can imagine how difficult it would be. I stay in Europe so cant have maid also which is too heavy for our pockets. I am not a clean freak, but once I complete all the vaccum my back goes for a toss as I had epidural during delivery.

    My DH doesnt mind making me run even 100 times around for small things. He wants everything to come to the place.
     
  5. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear DK,

    First of all hugs and love to you. However I agree with all others that you cannot change a person what you can do is change yourself and don't try to do everything.
    • For vaccum tell DH that your back hurts so he needs to help. Every weekend on certain time remind him about it and put an alarm on your cell phone with 15 min snooze...Keep it next to him.If he still does not do it ...just don't do t and remind him again in few days.(Maybe he will do it)
    • After he comes from work...hand LO to him and start your dinner activities.He has to take care of LO if you are not available.
    • Every Sunday go to gym or 1 hr walk and have him take care of LO.
    Start small. Hope this helps. If he is ok with this then you caan slowly add but this will take you months to accompalish.

    About him bragging..just ignore. you cannot change him so just ignore.

    FL
     
  6. DevikaS

    DevikaS Senior IL'ite

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    I think it is fair that you take care of work at home while he works outside the home(job)

    I dont see why so many stay at home moms want their hubby to do housework too!! the poor man works all day long and then u expect him to come at home and work too.. not fair to him na??

    Its a different story if u were working / studying / doing something else

    I dont expect My DH to do any housework; he works long hours and come home and I can see on his face how stressed out and tired he is. . he really appreciates that he is getting good food and the home & kids is taken care of --- on the days when i am REALLY tired and cannot cook / do anything then he helps out.. otherwise NO, and I dont expect him to either..
     
  7. Ranchu

    Ranchu Local Champion Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Devika,

    Please read DRK's post again. She is a working mom , except that she's having a home office and not stepping out of house to go for work.

    I do agree that telling DH "NOT" to help is one's personal choice , however when a man is in a family , he should be courteous enough to offer to help.
    He should definitely offer to do dinner atleast 2/3 days in a week , but a wife can choose to say "no its ok u may be tired" .

    A man going out for work does not mean he can come home and rejoice. NO! :rant
    A woman being a home-maker is out of choice , this does not mean she is entitled to slog the whole day with household chores. A family and chores should be common between the family members ( be it just a couple or joint family) .


    I dont know how to put it across in a decent way , if you find it offending , then i dint intend to do that.



    @DRK ,
    Appreciate your way of handling things at home.. when your DH comments about your baby's dress lying around, control your voice and very sweetly request him to pick it and put it in place.
    if you keep doing it 4 or 5 times , then he'll get into a habit of picking it up without informing you.
    also when he comes in the evening leave LO with him ,as in , in his lap. for few days dont give LO a bath in the morning, wait for him to come and give LO to him , ask him to give LO a bath . (hope its ok with LO's health , i dont know about kids & their timings).
    slowly delegate some work to him with a "please" , first couple of times he'll do it with grudge, then slowly he'll realize and pick up a routine.
     
  8. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    DRK,

    You need to understand you men personality.By person men would like to do something and they don't like to do something.Like picking up something and putting,don't expect if he is not that kind.
    See things which he does with interest and only ask them those things.
    I would advise,reduce the amount of cooking in house and look for alternatives.Like just make pasta one day and reduce other cooking.
    Don't cook every day .Cook for 2 to 3 days.Reduce the amount of pamper you do for your husband,like ask him to fix his lunch box,ask him to serve his lunch.Since you are tired with your new born.
    But don't expect the things which is beyond.House cleaning,try to call cleaning people something like that.
     
  9. sunitha

    sunitha Gold IL'ite

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    No,I don't agree with it that because the poor man works long hours,he needs rest at home! If the wife has to work the same long hours outside the home,she will still be expected to come back and do all the housework,doesn't she need any rest?

    I have been at both ends-working and now not working.So,I know how it feels at both times. When I was working,I would still be expected to come back home and take care of all the work at home along with my small one.It used to be very tiring.Now,that I don't work,I simply spread out all my activities throughout the day and manage my two kids too.My hubby is very very helpful in everyway and I am sure I will never be able to put up with a man who comes home and just slumps there simply because he works the whole day.For such men,work means only outside the home whereas for a woman,everything is work,whether outside or inside.

    With a small baby,it can get very tiring for the mom ,and the dad needs to understand that.I will say,ignore it when he expects you to keep the house spic and span when he himself does not want to pitch in.I used to do the gym thing too,hand over the kid to your husband and go for a walk or go to the gym.He will be forced to take care.Tell him that some things he will have to do on a regular basis,lets say in the weekend,like vacuuming,changing bedsheets,laundry etc.Since it will be weekend,he will just have to comply.
     
  10. smart_soul

    smart_soul Bronze IL'ite

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    Kadambari,


    I'm a working mom too and I can see your pain.
    • Talk to him in peace. During that time try making a list of tasks that each one of you will do. Ask him which tasks he would like to take part in and assign task appropriately. So that he will get to do things that he likes. Tell him that you are also tired by the end of the day and post partum is stressful. Some men just DON'T understand. Also make sure you tell him that you NEED to spend time with LO as a mother for his developmental growth and cannot just keep spending time cooking and cleaning all the time. In case he keeps procrastinating things, just tell him that cleanliness is VERY important that too with an infant at home. Their immune system is not completely developed and an unclean atmosphere will not help them nor you guys.
    This worked for me. I don't vaccumm for I have some real shoulder issues. Also once or twice a week DH wants me to spend more time with DD and not spend time in kitchen in the evenings. So during those days he volunteers to cook.


    • If that doesn't work, as someone mentioned, just bail out and counter act :rotfland say "My back hurts. So can you PLEASE vaccumm the place for me. I really appreciate your help".
    • Or better yet, "I'm bored of my own cooking. Can you make something for me? Just feel like having it from a different hand than mine". Or "I'm going to take LO to library class, can you just fix up a quick dinner by the time I come back". Be very polite in asking and that is very important. Do not get angry or raise your voice.
    Or may be you'll find your own trick to make things work when you try to talk to him about this.
    Good luck.
     
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2010

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