Intimacy Issues - Improving, But Not Resolved

For me your husband looks normal.Getting intimate once or twice every weak itself means he is sexually active.

 

Its not clear what is meant or implied by "time to take a decision". What decision ? Decision to explore fertility treatments ? Or making a decision to continue this marriage? Would you be able to clarify ?

 

Just based on what you have said said so far and let's just say, based on my experience with the alternative you are considering .. my frank opinion is that you are unlikely to divorce or if you attempt a seperation you may come to regret it.

You have possibly 2 problems - frequency & fertility. Fertility can be addressed via a number of techniques. Options include male fertility enhancement drugs, various means of artificial insemination etc.

Intimacy, sex drive, quality and frequency are also problems that can be corrected but need 2 important pre requisites
- willingness by the male partner to acknowledge issues
- willingness to proactively seek treatment.

Unlike fertility, handling issue #2 above is sometimes a lifelong process involving following a healthy lifestyle, diet, disciplined stress management techniques, marriage counselling to not mix up interpersonal issues with intimacy, and medicine if the issue is physiological in nature (eg low t, thyroid or other issues).

You're probably mentally flirting with the idea of divorce, due to prompting by others. But let me tell you the truth abt divorce - by the time divorce is done & if your relationship was otherwise loving as it appears to be, you will begin to feel that any compromise might have been better than the pain of seperation. The only situation when such feelings are actually untrue is if the marriage had a fundamental incurable flaw, one that is bound to reoccur amd cause the marriage to inevitably collapse.

If you decide to divorce on account of frequency alone, you will find it hard to find a more suitable man based on parameters which are hard to guage. It is hard as it is to find quality divorced men. Esp one who may meet all your other requirements that you current husband meets. It is harder to find a man where over & above all this, you can get guarantees on his sexual health. He may be in better health but for how long ? Does he have predisposition for diabetes, bp, heart & prostate issues ? Even if you meet a self admitted high libido man, how are you going to find out if he is being truthful & can sustain for the long haul ? There are possibilities that you will find yourself where you are now, if not sooner but later.

In short - given that your marriage is by no means a sexless one, and because it appears to be a loving relationship, you are better off improving your current relationship. Yes it is going to be continous effort for both of you. Yes it is unfair.

I cannot stress the bottomline enough - you have to take decisions based on what consequences you are willing to live with. .

Goodluck.

 

It is possible you are putting off your husband with your over drive.People are different.
Everyone has the right to say 'no'.Sex should be fun for both and not a chore.
Try to find a midway or this problem will only increase.

 

Very much normal. Many healthy couple take more time also, for that.

Again this is perfectly normal for many married men. This is due to performance anxiety; any healthy adult man can get this problem at times. Sometimes the issue can last for weeks or even months. Failure to act supportively will worsen his performance anxiety , which , as a vicious cycle will make things bad further.

When you yourself, acknowledge that this is not extreme then what was the need to share this highly personal information about your husband to your friend and family ?

Assuming that your husband is , otherwise normal, this issue alone should not be a reason for separation. If there is a total lack of being intimate in him, then you have reason to think about separation. But he is able to be intimate , normally, many times.

Think twice, before taking any important decision.

Just be supportive; do not worsen his performance anxiety. He will soon be normal.

 

Taking him to a urologist is not a big deal. But in reality some men may mistake this move as being that the wife is finding fault or finding him deficient in the intimacy department. So be careful how you word or handle it. A good husband will be willing to take control of his health without too much cajoling, will see a urologist and get the help he needs to keep his marriage stable and happy.

How old is your husband ? Without that info it is a bit hard to determine what is normal or not. But in general these days a lot of men in their 30s see their libido dipping and some form of ED setting in. The good thing in your case so far is that despite what it takes to get stimulated he's able to get into the act and go to completion. So that's good news. Because in cases where there is low T or thyroid issus at play or other issues, weak erections are usually also present and there is difficulty ensuring proper IC.

Indeed, some men with low libido view sex only as a means for procreation and not recreation. Also once they have kids, they feel relieved to have created a facade of normalcy to the outside world - proof that they are potent and fertile. They fail to understand the feelings of deprivation of their spouse - esp if spouse is a woman. This makes the problem partly yours to solve. That is - what if your husband stops caring abt your intimacy needs once the baby arrives. This is a genuine cause for concern. Speak to him openly abt your concerns before having a child with him.

One thing I want to add to my earlier comment - the point is not to meant in the (stereotypical) vein of asking you to compromise on sexual issues or saying it is not important in the schema of things. All i'm saying is that it appears that your issues are not unfixable. Secondly, you have already developed an attachment to him. This kind of thing is what makes separation traumatic. But if it still plays heavily on you, make the decision sooner rather than later when you have a kid etc.