Interracial marriage - How to convince his family?

Dear Op....you have no idea what that means .While it looks nice that his family relies on him only and he is a reliable son of the family.....you have no idea how it is to be the wife of a person whose entire family relies on him.

 

Though that is a generalization ,but this is a reality.
So are many other forms of atrocities in the name of tradition.

http://www.indusladies.com/forums/r...ws/272273-life-daughter-laws-rural-india.html

This again is a bit of generalization...but this happens too.You may never live there and may never face something like this....but this is just to let you know the thinking of people in the rural (not restricted to rural )areas of UP....and most of India.The dil is at the bottom of the pyramid in terms of value and status.

 

Dear Lucille,

What you have stated as nice qualities of your guy is what mostly discussed as bad qualities by many Indian wives here in this forum.

Men sacrificing for the family, and giving so much importance to the family, society etc..etc.. (and you failed to see that society is a patriarchal society, which discriminates women conveniently)

No smoke, no drink is not something a special behavior in India. More than 50% of the men won't drink, smoke or go to clubs/pubs. It is only very limited to the metros. But it doesn't make them good with their other behaviors.

And not every men from the village is ready and open to have relationship with foreign girls, and with many girls. So, him choosing only you and not other foreign girls doesn't alone stand as a great quality of him.

He is clearly not ready to choose you as his wife. In India, men have different standards for their wives and GFs. GFs are for their fun, love and happiness. Wives are considered bonded slaves and members of their huge family.
GFs can be modern, outspoken, and dominent. But wives should be submissive, and dependents.

So, you may be a perfect choice as his GF, so he loved you. But for marriage, I doubt how perfect you are to marry someone like him? His answers are more clear. Only you are confusing.

Further, if his love was so true, he would have decided to bring his immediate family (mom and bros) to the city where no strict caste system is followed. He would have abandoned his extended family such as his grand father and relatives. If so, no village rules could offend him anymore. And it would have been within his doable, since his mom and brothers were in support of your love.
But he still chose to favor his village and caste system. Which tells you how weak he is in this love drama.

Better move on.

 

Hi Lucille,

My husband does not smoke, drink or eat non veg. He is very friendly and helpful. He gets along with everyone so well. Once his boss happened to meet my father and told him that my father is very lucky to get such a guy as son in law and he is looking for similar person for his daughter.

I have heard the same from many of my and his relatives. Only I know how difficult he can be. While he is adjustable to his relatives friends and boss, At home he is the most stubborn person he wont budge an inch or compromise. He wont fight or shout but he wont agree either.

What I learnt - Don't judge a person just because they treat their friends, boss and family well. All rules change when it comes to wife.

My husband is very attached to his mom. Before marriage I liked that quality I took it as a sign that he would behave well with women. Naive me. Now after marriage I have realized mistake. Whatever comes out of his mouth has its origin in my MILs mind.

My in laws are very conservative and traditional whereas my family is not traditional to their extent. We have lots of clashes (hubby's uncompromising behaviour adds fuel).

What I learnt - It is difficult for 2 families from different places and background to gel with each other without having disagreements.



Questions for you:

There is such a vast difference between your backgrounds there will definitely be lot of disagreements between the way you do things and they way your boyfriends family does things. In such cases you will be expected to follow your husbands families way. Will you be able to do that?

After marriage if there is conflict of opinions /disagreement between you and his family whom do you think husband will support?

After marriage your in laws would stay with you how will you adjust to their style of living without resentment?

 

Girl run for your life.If his family is dependent on you are going to end up in join family.You will be horrible politics because of insecure mil,bil.This is not generalization.
This happens 99% of time.Since you are not from india you have no idea what it is.

 

Lucille

You may be right about the guy's character ! He may be an extremely nice guy, reliable, the most loving person for you, he might be your soulmate ! Yes!

OK lets not generalize and say that all guys from UP villages are bad - No definitely not!!! There are very good guys everywhere - goodness is not area-specific.

Lets say he is very responsible as a son because he has been in the driver's seat of his family for the past 13 or so years.

But what is HE saying here ? What is HE conveying about YOUR relationship ?

He is wringing his hands and saying - my family cannot accept you, my family depends on me, my village people may get violent if we get married, my extended relatives and grandfather will scream and rant if I live with you!!!

If HE says - "I WANT to spend my life with you, come what may!"
If HE says - "I WILL move earth and heaven to marry you !"
If HE says - "I WILL shift my mother and siblings away from harm SO THAT they'll be safe and I can marry you!"
If HE says - "I WILL move to anywhere on the earth if only I can stay with you"
If HE says - "I DONT care what my grandfather says - I ONLY want to marry you"
If HE says - "Lets work out a plan together - wait till I can find a job abroad and get a visa, we can go, marry live there happily!!! Can you give me 2,3,5 years time ???"

THEN and ONLY THEN
HE is committed to this relationship - then it is your wish whether YOU are ready to accept his parameters and definition of the relationship!

When he is not prepared to stand up and defy the culture, traditions, his village people for your sake - what do you expect him to do for a whole lifetime ?

A marriage is not ONLY made of love - it is also COMMITMENT to each other ! He might love you but he is NOT ready to move from HIS COMFORT ZONE to be with you!

Do you still want to stay back for him ? and wait ? For how long? Forever ? It could take longer than Forever to change this "value system" and would make him very unhappy and regretful !!

It would be much less painful for you to forget him and go back to your life, Lucille !!

 

You think he is in true love with you? There is nothing you could do to convince his family.

How to convince his family? It is his responsibility to convince his family if he really loves you. He can find a job, move his entire family to a new city or even new country which ever is safe for him and his family. If there is someone in his family who would go to the extent of honor killing, he will disown them or move to unreachable distance.

Complete your internship/study move back to your country. If he really loves you he will find a way and get back to you. If not thank your stars and move on. "I don't love you" is far better than "I love you but my family/my village will not accept you" dialog.

 

Many people in India relocate for education. If he plans on joining you, tell him you don't mind him helping or taking care of his family ie financially or other support. If he agrees ok, otherwise leave him. He is most likely fooling you. If he is from Bihar that is probably most anti-woman part of India for Indian women let alone for foreigners. There is little law and order. If you belong to certain religious group or caste you can get away with anything there.

 

The guy would have taken the decision of relocating his mom and Brothers to city long back if he is serious about you.Ask the guy what is stopping him from doing so.