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Inter Caste/inter Religious Marriages - A Lesson Learnt

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SGBV, Sep 27, 2016.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I am not a marriage adviser or an experienced woman to write up something about this topic. But with my experience and struggle with this inter religious marriage, I thought of sharing a few interesting points here. Just that, I hope someone hoping to enter in this type of wedlock would benefit this.

    In this era, it is unlikely to wait until your parents proposes someone as your better half. Unlike before, we are forced to cross our late teens and early twenties on our own with minimal guidance from our parents due to education, jobs and other commitments. On a brighter side, we become mature with all the independence and exposure when we are young. However, it also happens that we fall in love, and that too with someone totally unrelated to our family; hence unaccepted.

    This post is for those who have fallen in love with someone away from your caste/religion.

    First of all it all starts with your decision. You are so confident that you have chosen the right person, and you know what you are doing.
    You chose to reject your parents' advice and guidance thus go ahead with your decision.
    But when it comes to marriage, you expect your parents' blessings. You expect them to change their attitude for you, and bless your marriage wholeheartedly. On top of it, you expect your parents to be open with the new DIL/SNIL and welcome them as who she/he is to their life.
    Since childhood, you have seen your parents doing all the sacrifices and adjustments for you. So you strongly believe that your parents have accepted you and your marriage as yet another adjustment in their life.
    You eventually believe your better half is also accepted by your parents since you chose her/him.
    You know that you must bribe your parents to make them forget the scar caused by your marriage. Because you are guilt or made to feel guilt for choosing whom you want to marry.

    The problem starts here. You bribe (by letting them walk all over your life) to get relieved from the guilt. On the other hand, your parents pretend as if they have accepted you to feel less guilty for rejecting your marriage.
    In this drama, you fail to see how it all affects the new comer when it comes to her/his new life with you.

    This is where you forget those pre-marriage promises to your better half. You try to amend them as per your parents' demand as if it is a genuine well meaning advice.

    Adjustments in any marriage is inevitable. However, expecting adjustments in your fundamental believe system or faith is really scary. What is adjustable for you may not be adjustable for your spouse.
    Hence the difference comes in.
    Eg: Asking a monotheist religious spouse to do certain rituals apart from her faith,
    Or something like expecting a pure veg person to cook non veg for the family is wrong.

    They say love is blind, and the marriage is an eye opener. I would say, love is a theoretical approach, where as marriage is practical.
    When in love, you are aware of all the sacrifices you are about to make, and all the adjustments that is expected from you to run this inter caste/religious marriage. However, when that happens in reality, you are shaken.
    You struggle to face this, and worry the whats and ifs. That's what practical life is all about.
    Eg: You think it is all ok to let your kids follow both the religious/caste practices until they chose theirs. However, when you see your kids doing certain practices, which you don't believe, rather don't want to follow, then it certainly affects you. You either bite your tongue and control your emotions, or confront - but that is against your pre- marriage promises.

    So there will be always some fire in the inter caste/religious marriage, specially when you live with your parents.
    The pre-marriage promises are the foundation in such settings, but there is a high level risk when parents are involved in the actual living, as these elders don't know what exactly you promised to each other.

    Above all, the usual problems of love and arranged marriages. When in arranged marriage, the families cover up their children's lacking to prove their choice is always better.
    They don't want to hear complaints from their children like "Mom I trusted you, but you forced me into this marriage, where this man/woman is a wrong guy" for petty things.
    Eg: If the groom is having a bad temper, the parents of the bride would always advice her to be non provocative. So that his anger will not affect the family.
    If the bride doesn't know certain types of cooking, the parents of the groom advice him to adjust as this is how they adjusted when they were newly married.
    However, it is not the case when it is love marriage. Even the tiniest problems will be micro analyzed using a magnifying glass by the elders around.
    It is very common to have spousal arguments and differences in any marriage, but it becomes permanent damage when external forces are involved. Usually the furious youngsters were fueled against each other by the elders only to prove that their choices were wrong. This happens in many love marriages, which happens against parents' wish.

    Inter caste/religious marriages are usually love marriages, which often happen against the parents' wishes.
    If the couple chose to love each other against their parents, they also should be able to live with each other against their parents' support/blessings (if they parents were really stubborn) without any guilt. After all you make a choice, and chose your life . After all, it is your life.

    Going behind the parents, and begging for their blessings will definitely damage the marriage when either one of you start to amend your marriage promises to please your parents.
    In any marriage, it is important to please your spouse first rather than a parent.
    Respect and love your parent is different from giving up your life to please your angry/stubborn parents.

    Inter caste/religious marriages requires a lot of adjustments, a lot of patience and a lot of love above all.
    You must introspect whether you have all of them in your character to go ahead. Just falling in love with someone is not enough to lead a happy inter caste/religious marriage.

    Above all, it is very important to live your marriage very far from the close/immediate relatives of both sides. If not, set your boundaries well, and learn to keep others in their places.

    Your parents can never accept your bride/groom as who they are without imposing any adjustments. Understand this. Although they are your parents, and they have always meant only good for you, they are PILs to your wife/husband. Not necessarily they will mean only good for their DIL/SNIL. They are humans too.

    So, if someone say my DIL is like my DD or SNIL is my second son, don't blindly believe.

    Therefore, it is better you settle somewhere else to lessen the interference at least you grow strong in your marriage.

    Please, please always consult your spouse first, and place their interest first when it comes to kid's matter. Be it choosing their religion, name, certain practices etc.... Don't give in for your mom, dad, aunt and uncle.

    Marriage doesn't guarantee that you will be together forever. It is just a paper.
    It takes trust, respect, commitment, understanding, love, friendship and faith in your relationship to make it last.

    Wish you all the best :)
     
    sindmani, vaidehi71, rai and 7 others like this.
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  2. Suja9

    Suja9 Silver IL'ite

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    Wow.. such a nice post.... Loooooooooooong road even after the "Happy Ever after"!!
     
    SGBV likes this.
  3. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Platinum IL'ite

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    Very true @SGBV

    Infact this is applicable for inter state marriges too, even if both are from the same caste.

    There comes a clash in food, way of thoughts.....eh...what not!!

    But yes, life is all about adjustments. Great post!
     
    SGBV likes this.
  4. rai

    rai Platinum IL'ite

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    What you've stated is very true & holds good for any type of marriage.

    A Must read topic for those who venture into inter cast/ religeous marriages.
     
    SGBV likes this.
  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks for your comment. It is indeed a very long way to the happy ending :)

    Good to know that you liked this post. Thanks !

    Thank you for your comment. Life is indeed all about adjustments. Just the degrees of adjustment vary person to person.

    Thanks for the comment.
     
    beautifullife30 likes this.

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