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Insensitive Husband

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Cuteprincess, Dec 19, 2016.

  1. Cuteprincess

    Cuteprincess Silver IL'ite

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    Hi friends

    I am posting here after a very long time.
    I love abroad with my husband and 6 year old son. Me and my H had lots of issues in the past few years. My H is completely logistic. Doesn't respect my feelings. He doesn't even have a recognition for what I do.

    My son had severe issues and is under therapy for the past 2 years. 3 days of therapy a week and he is completely changed now but need to continue with the therapies still. He goes to school half a day.I am a home maker, and H is a typical old fashioned Man who thinks it's a wife duty to do everything and home.

    I don't get any help from him. I have gone thru all problems related to my son alone. He never moves a glass at home nor has actively participated in parenting. It happens also when.I am sick. However sick I am I drop my son pick him up cook for him and the family etc etc.

    All he does is go to office. After years of nagging he spends with my son saying inthat the evening for an hour or so. Upon everything he is very money minded and is increasing over the years. He is very stingy in spending on me but buys everything for the kid. He earns really well and has no loans as such. But it's more than 11 years of our marriage he hasn't got me any gold other than a bangle for my baby shower. Nor he has got any property in my name or even along with his.

    And whenever I ask for help he always says you are at home doing nothing. You can do this at least. He keeps finding faults with the way I cook or maintain the house . I keep it quite clean still he finds something every time and compares me with other wives.last time we were In india and out of anger he even told my mom that I sit atin home doing nothing. And even the working woman do so much at home. And I have always told him before marriage that I don't want to work. But actually wants me to work, though he doesn't say it out.

    Today Morin g had the same fight again
    I am done with this relationship I have compromised over years just for the sake of my son. Just felt like venting.
     
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  2. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    His insensitivity is not going to change if you are working. It is nothing about you..
    But still working outside (even volunteering some where) will help you: meet other people, have casual conversations and sometimes meaningful conversations, sharing thoughts etc with real people (not in virtual world) will happen, which makes you grow as a person and you can have connect to other world . now that same home, where no appreciation for what ever you do.
     
  3. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    OP, what do you want to do? If you want to work, is getting a part time job a viable option? Getting a husband to see how much it takes to keep the home neat is losing battle.
     
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  4. Cuteprincess

    Cuteprincess Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you kashmirflower and Rakhi.

    I already do volunteering twice a week and have a lot of good friends Indians as well as.foreigners. I keep.meeting them often and that's makes.Me feel good. But end of the day I have to come home.

    Rakhi, as said my son's therapies are going on and I have some health issue for which I am going to the Dr twice or thrice a week. And it's not easy to get a part time job where I live. I was ok going for a small job but when told my H thinks it's below his dignity.
    And what if even after I start working he expects me to keep the house clean as well as work.
     
  5. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    I am fairly sure he is going to expect you to do all the work even after you start working. But I am focussing more on you for now. Set the expectations. Do what you cam What you cannot, plainly tell him. You need to communicate to him that this cant be done and stay true to it. He will throw tantrums as he is used to having things his way. He will come around in time.
     
  6. maddysweet

    maddysweet Silver IL'ite

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    OP,

    Thats right u cannot do work with a kid who needs extra care and also ur own health.
    And u told ur husband before so he shud stop comparing u with working women.
    He shud help u at home and acknowledge to make u feel good.

    Do u have a combined bank account with husband,
    Do u know how much he earns and what he doing with his salary after house expenses and savings
    If not u shud ask him and start being part of it.

    Buying gold or things- most of the men are very bad at this, instead of expecting and feeling hurt u better plan to buy something by asking him money.
    For that here is how u start

    Tell him u need monthly some 500$ pocket money which u will save and buy clothes and gold. He cannot refuse and u have every right to ask money from husband.

    Coming to house hold things
    Stop cooking or cleaning too much.
    Try to organize house work such a way that it gets easier, learn easy recipees.
    If husband complaints say u can only do those as u dont have patience

    Tell him he doesnt care abt ur health but for ur kid sake u have to take care of health so u will do healthy easy cooking only

     
  7. Cuteprincess

    Cuteprincess Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks Rakhi and maddysweet for your reply
    I have fought , argued with him regarding help in household but all in vain. He never agrees. He only says if I am at home I will do.He never sees my points.

    I don't have any account or card for myself. He used to give me 10/20 dollars and when it is over I need to ask him. Just for the past 8 months he gives 50 euros every alternate weeks. This is after so much of fighting.Or rarely every week and since I use public transport I need 50 Euros per month for ticket. How much ever I ask he won't give he will plainly refuse he will never let me buy gold saying I don't wear.
     
  8. Vaikuntha

    Vaikuntha Platinum IL'ite

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    Cuteprincess,
    Time to grow up emotionally. Drop the cuteness from your world and get an 'armour' ...to protect you emotionally.

    The key here is to detach emotionally from your husband, so that his words have little magic on you. It is a process and can be done. But before you fully immerse yourself in that process, have you thought of having another kid?

    Working outside home, will get only so much on your emotional front...may be it will drain you even further. You are craving some TLC- tender loving care, from your husband. It will never happen, doesn't seem like your husband has it in him, to give TLC to anyone. It is very common in Desi husbands, just so that you know- you are not alone...

    Get a little strong on emotional front. Write in a journal, what you need from your husband. Write general statements like: want him to say I love you more, help around the house everyday, take my son to therapy etc.
    When you feel, anger and sadness creeping up at his indifference, callousness, any time in the day- you stop- take a deep breath- and agree to the feeling you have that- you really want him to that "sambar is delicous and thanks for this hot food on table"- agree to yourself that he will not tell you that- take a pause- and then move on with your day.

    If you take out the callousness of your husband, out of your life- your life is livable and nice- but the callousness will erode you if you do not take care of "how you feel about it".
    Learn to feel less pain, each time he is indifferent, rude, callous and distant. This can be learnt, but if you learn it fully it will be difficult for you to have another kid. So have one more.. and keep learning the lesson of being emotionally independent.
     
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  9. Vaikuntha

    Vaikuntha Platinum IL'ite

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    Cuteprincess,

    Read another post about pocket money.
    Do not think too much about pocket money. Being in Western countries, you can earn so much being a checkout clerk, that you can buy gold necklace, every month.
    Do not waste time getting gold now. Try to get certifications, credentials. You should work outside home, after ~ 7 years, if you have two kids. If you have only one kid, you can start working in another 3-4 years, considering he needs attention now.

    Do inform yourself of all things financial, but do not waste time thinking about how you can save money from the pocket money, that your husband gives you. That is peanuts. Even with part time job, as stocking clerk in clothes shop, you will earn a lot more.

    Do not get sad over your husband's behavior.

    Have a plan for your life- what do you want in 5 years, in 10 years, and work towards those things.

    Think about working outside home- in 5 years time, how will you achieve that.

    Give all the praise you need from your husband to yourself!
     
  10. Cuteprincess

    Cuteprincess Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you hermitcrab for your reply. We have many more issues which will be a long post. But I can say you that I don't love my husband anymore. I just stay for the sake of my kid. I mean I m not emotionally attached but still his words hurt me. Also I don't have any plans for an other kid.

    And pocket money, that's a very old thread. Then I was concerned .And fyi he doesn't give me pocket money for my expenses. He just giveS money since I go for grocery or fruits shopping once a week in between. And the major.thing is not buying gold just mentioned that he hasn't got me anything.

    Yes what you say is right. I need to look what I have to do or want to do in the future. I am a person with zero self confidence or courage now. I was working in software before marriage but now after 11 years I don't even remember anything and everything is upgraded as of now. I will do what you girls have suggested me. Thanks a lot
     
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