insecurity - the other side of the story

Hello SGBV,
In ur imaginary story, i think either of the MILs will be jealous if the other MIL was being sponsored. Whether the girl is happy or otherwise about inviting and paying for her MIL to US during her pregnancy, the fact will still remain that she preferred her MIL to her Mother. And if she does bring her Mother instead of MIL, then her H and MIL will feel slighted.
Human ties and emotions are becoming such a touch-me not, that there is no fine balancing which can be done.
I feel this situation is more now, becoz, both the girl and boy earn and lead a life independent of each other (if the need be). So both sets of parents have huge expectations from their issues. Even if the parents are well-to-do and can afford, they will still wait and watch what their children will do.
I am facing such a problem. My ILs will be wary of me and DH spending too much time with my mother and other relatives. And vice-versa, my mom will feel insecure if I say i bought this or that for my ILs.

 

This is a very fascinating thread as it made me realize one of the major differences regarding "nuclear" (western, modern or whatever you want to call it) and traditional indian family system. In west you raise your child fully aware of that he/she will move out when he/she grows up. The child knows that he/she will get an own home when she is a grown up. The emotional ties between the parent and the child will to most extent be disconnected when the grown up childs move out. After that you are more like very close relatives to each other, on equal level. When the child gets married (or into a serious relationship) the parents are already "out of the picture" so there is no need to be "jelaous" if someone spends some time with the parents. On the other hand the idea of having in-laws/parents visiting for months is very strange as you do live your separate lives. I would have gone nuts if my mother would have stayed more than a week with me and especially during my pregnancy. And if my MIL would have stayed then even worse.

Parents with adult children are aware of the fact that they are not part of their childrens daily life so they tend to have other activities (career, hobbies, friends, spirituality etc). They also know that they cannot rely on their children financially except in emergency situations. And the same way other way around. As an adult you are supposed to manage your finances without help from your parents.

 

If the girl is comfortable with the decision...then there is no issue.In india ...the scales are so tipped against the DD's family that it will take sometime for her parents to have expectations and insecurities.

In this case...the girl's mothers insecurity is as wrong as the insecurity of the boys mother.The daughter should be able to call anyone without this drama.Both the mothers are being selfish and not letting the daughter do what she is comfortable doing.

What is the solution SGBV....most guy families would like to maintain status quo.....most girl's families would like a change that is fairer.Mothers of boys will want the right to act anyway out of insecurity forever.We can keep waiting for this change while we give excuses for such behavior and try to be understanding of the causes.

Meanwhile we have turned into a nation where the gender difference has turned dangerously high....millions of girl's are killed in our country because people don't want to be the disadvantaged "ladki wale'(girl's family)....because of the cultural biases.A genocide is in progress(has been happening for a long time) because we have cultural excuses for being superior or inferior based on the sex of the child we deliver.

 

This is so true.

I have often seen mothers tell their daughters to be polite and tolerant as they have to 'leave' their house one day and go to 'another' house. Any kind of assertiveness, boldness and judgemental attitude from the girl is not appreciated.

If marriage is a relation of equal contribution from both the ends, then why is such advice not given to boys?

Why aren't they also taught to be adjusting, kind and considerate since they too will have relatives from their wife's side one day?

Why aren't boys taught for example that they should not be so choosy about food because one day a girl from 'another' house will be serving him his food?

If boys too are given an insight into what marriage actually is, the fact that both the partners have to make equal contribution and equal adjustments in their own ways, then alot of problems which arise later can be avoided.

 

In west, even with the "nuclear" families, MIL's are intruding. A simple read on 'non-Indian' forums, will show you that such things happen even when their own son/daughter is taught to move out of the house. Percentage is definitely less as compared, but at the end it depends on the people, on how they behave and react.

I am glad, that the traditional Indian system does not follow the kicking out children after 18 ritual and children wandering here and there for food/shelter. I cherish each and every moment, while I stayed with my family and still won't mind living with my mom forever, if I have to. I am proud to be born and brought up in such heritage and culture. ofcourse, there are flaws in every tradition, not just Indian.

And about teaching son's the equality for women, I believe it completely depends upon the individual families, how they raise their kids or what their kids see around. I am from Pune/Mumbai and see numerous nuclear families out here (not coz of IT industry, but coz of own will). While I have seen cases where divorce happens purely coz of MIL, I have also seen many families, where the parents or son have brought new houses just for themselves to live in separately or many couples opting to live separately and their in-laws not interfering in such matters. So I believe it just depends on individuals rather than cultures.

 

The challenge between the mother-in-law and the daughter/son-in-law is quite universal. We have a plant called mother-in-laws tongue (because it is so sharp). Noticed from wikipedia that is the same in english (Sansevieria trifasciata - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia).

Children are not kicked out in the west. Children are eagerily waiting for the moment they are old enough (and have the money) to move. It is considered strange to stay as an adult (except there is some reason) in your parents home. Parents are again encouraged to raise their children to become independent. If you have adult children living with you then you start to give explanations to your friends why.

This is not about which culture is better, only bringing up the differences. Mainly my own loud-thinking about the differences. The background for the joint family was mainly the agricultural requirements and the lack of pensions/social security.

 

In Western most important parents duty is to raise independent person.
And parents are judged on that.
I mean if your child is not able live on its own, what parent you are?

Biggest parents worry and fear is to grow child , who cant be alble live alone as adult.
They do it , coz of simply reason-parents wont live forever…

It doesnt mean the emotional strings getting broken between children and parents, it mean it evoluating,
and changing, going to next stage.
They still love, but just not staying on "childlish" stage, going further and become adult.
Sometimes when I saw my husband with his mommy , I realised it now , why it irritating me-
I saw few years old baby boy like.
Almost excpectes he will start play with teaddy bear.
Not adult male, who I can rely on.
In my view, many Indians , especially men, stays forever in this "childhood" phase, never growing up.


Both, equal girls and boys has to carry much more responsilibities, than in my opinion Indian people.
Most of western.countries has pension system, so parents has money to live while their old age, and is not so dependent from children.
So beeing mother of son is not the only life role.
That is my thoughts about it.

 

Strongly agree

I doubt this is true for all, coz personally have seen and known many, who loved the Indian culture of staying with parents till on their own and wanted to live with their parents. While I was at college here, I have known class-mates (non-Indian) who used to dance in striptease clubs and willing to sleep for just 50$. Easy money, I guess, while we Indians used to stand and work on-campus for just 7$/hr. Well, if this is independence, what can I say... Will end my thought here.

Ofcourse not. ALL cultures are equal and its the people who make it right/wrong.
I doubt if your background on joint family is right, atleast not for an Indian joint family.

 

your analysis is spot on CrayoNess.

 

I dont see why you trying insult people on forum suggesting western independence is based on "sleeping for 50$".
If I wish to be like you, I could say ir is your (indian) vicious nature.
But I wont, coz I know most Indian is not like you , gaze.

I found your post extremely offending and harrasing.
I think you should apologize for your hating post here.