insecurity - the other side of the story

Your disagreement is understood, @Rihana

However, it is unavoidable to distance from either set of parents/families to start a new life in our society. Unless the couple fly away across the continent, so that the parents or in laws won't interfere. Even then, we hear of cases where skype and other technologies were used to disturb. So, here the mind-set is the problem, not the distance or separate housing arrangements, I believe. JMO

One can only move out of his/her parents' next after marriage, but he/she can not be expected to move out of city or country to avoid problems. Guess what, if you are living in the same city of your parents/in laws and either you or your FOO requires the other when they are in need. For example, I needed my mom or in laws during my pregnancy. Even I could very well manage my pregnancy and delivery all alone (or with a help of a nanny), guess what... would they allow us to handle everything single handedly when they are living just around the corner and ready to help. So, certain unwritten rules plays heavy roles, that is hard to avoid.

Similarly, I can't simply send a 'get well soon" card to my mom or MIL if they were sick or hospitalized. Needless to say, the responsibility falls on my shoulder to look after them no matter how things go.

Further, the common interactions like weddings, parties and the casual visits and stay over... All can not be avoided though you live all alone, separately from both sets of families.

Here the maturity of mind-set, thinking and balancing is important.

As for women being extra sensitive and emotional... I stand by my point. Again speaking from where I am coming from... it is how we were created. Further the complete dependency state of majority of the women (many home makers with less financial freedom) make them extra insecure about their future

No reliable pension or insurance scheme or medical plan for the elders here. Except for the very minority who works for organized Government or private firms the other basically depend on their children for their elderly future.

Women depend on their spouse for themselves and kids. Insecurity has a lot to do with dependency.

Imagine an elderly mother who solely dependent on her son feels insure about her son's overtly expressed attachment towards his new wife, who also equally or more dependent on him and vis-a-vis. The question as to what if he gives everything to his loving sister? What if he sends money to his parents? what if he gives his pay ch to his wife and how can I expect her to share the same amount of money as he did before?
Such questions form insecurity...

 

How come you are sure that the mothers of only daughters have no insecurity. They do have. But the culture prohibits them from depending on their daughters after their marriage. Therefore, they make plans, efforts and savings NOT to depend on their children as much as they can.

However, the same culture allows and says it is right to depend on your sons; thus expectation... that leads to insecurity when they are not succeeding at it.

The below quotes summarize them all.

"The tree that bears the sweetest fruits gets the maximum number of stones"

Mostly, it is the male children (but not limited to) who bears the sweetest fruit; thus they get lost of affection, dependency and then issues in their life due to insecurity.

"Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire"

The female children (again not limited to) are considered as the tree that does not bear good fruit; thus cut down upon marriage, and minimum contacts are maintained - obviously no expectation



Please respond to this imaginary scene

A girl works in the US - is the primary bread winner of her family - and now she is pregnant. Her husband wants to bring his parents over there to help her. The girl loves her husband, so agrees to it. The traveling and other costs will be borne by the girl only. Here I want to know the reaction and advise of the girl's mom who lives, say in India and obviously wants to visit US for multiple reasons.

Would she keeps silent like many mothers of average girls (who are not primary bread winners, but either earning less than their spouse or dependents)?
Or
She would demand to visit US and get upset about her daughters extra love for her H and in laws?
Or
Feel insecure about it

Because obviously when children raise the heights, parents tend to have so much expectation on them regardless of their gender.

I am not advocating for insecurity and dependency, but just identifying the prevalence and responding it.

 

It is not about you and me. We form the minorities in our society. We have education, financial freedom, freedom of speech and everything that an average girl in question would long to have. So, it is not a surprise to know that you and I can tactfully handle our lives without much drama, while not everyone out there.

The issue is not about the girl wanting her mother instead of MIL. She stays silent when her H wants his mom to come over. May be she is okay with that. May be she doesnt care of it... It does not always mean she is insecure about her husband's love. That mentality needs a change. It can also be taken the other way round as a man has no issues when his wife needs her mom to come over.

Here the problem is the mother. Who might have developed some high expectations from her DD as she is earning and a primary bread-winner (like many men in other cases). When her expectation is shattered, she gets upset. This is how the insecurity forms. Because human minds tend to learn the reasons behind actions.

Same applies to a man's mother in similar cases. They expect more, because they feel they are superior because their son is the primary bread winner in his family and his wife is his dependent. When their expectation shatters, but the man supports his wife to bring her mom instead of his mom - problems starts. This is a very practical scenario though it is not right.

We can have so many questions as to why and why not. We can compare parents with girls, normal people, westerners and all. But at the end of the day we have to deal with the problem that exists.

Yes, as you said the problem could be a cultural excuse. So what? What matters is how to solve this problem.

Here in my country un married women over 35 yrs of age have insecurities about their future. They are tired of marriage alliances, matrimonial sites and bride seeing, but they often react so negatively to this problem.
However, here in my office, where 75% of the staff are from the west. They have no issues for staying unmarried at the age of 35. For them, it is still too young to be married.

When we see a national with this problem, we are not suppose to compare them with the internationals. It is important to recognize their problem. The problem could be a cultural excuse or the women's lack of self esteem or whatever it is. But it needs to be addressed. JMO