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insecurity - the other side of the story

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by SGBV, Jan 13, 2015.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I often wondered what would be the other side of the story when there is an in laws' problem or any kind of similar problems in a family.

    In my case the obvious other side is my in laws' insecurity issues. After so many years, now my MIL has openly accepted that she felt shattered to hear that her son was going to marry a Christian girl from a different country. That too he was so strongly standing by her side against his parents' wish.

    She says, her son never stood so strong even for his personal matters in the past, moreover never once he disobeyed his parents. His strong decision this time seriously shattered them it seems.

    MIL said, she feared, got confused and cried a lot by thinking as if her son would be permanently taken away from her. Reason being, she might have felt if this girl can make him to disobey us this much before their marriage, what would be the case once they are married.

    Though she did not say anything openly about her sudden love and affection for her son, and the hidden dramas after our marriage, which slowly distanced me and my H later on... I could easily sense everything from what she speaks now.

    However, she did accept that she is happy and convinced that her son never changed. She says that her son always stood by her no matter what happened in his personal life. She believes her son would never change or no one forces him to change as she anticipated. Thus, she trusts me (her DIL) now and believes wholeheartedly that I would never try to change her son against her. Again reason being, I had not done this in the past when I was a fresh new bride... So, chances are so low to do the same now after having grown old with 2 kids (come on MIL, I am only in my early 30s, and still look young.. You make me feel old).

    Since she is convinced and accepted her foolish insecurity in the past, she decided to let her second and third DILs go just the way she let me go now. (again I am so jealous that they are lucky to live normal since beginning though they have the same MIL of mine, but truly I am happy for them).

    MIL doesn't know that, I wouldn't bother much about her changes now because I have controlled my life and learnt to live with peace no matter what. This realization helped me build on from zero, and we are truly happy now.

    There is another story in my family. Here my cousin sister suffers equally as I suffered in the past, not because of her MIL, but her SIL (wife of her own brother). Issue are same. I.e insecurity.

    Her brother reacted as if he is a puppet of his sister, that he would consider his sister as his second mom. That might have shattered her SIL - the new wife, thus she had started dealing this issue at her own style and convenience.

    Here the problem is not the 2 women in the picture (not me or not my cousin (female)). But the men (my husband and my cousin (male), who did not know how to balance the most important women of their life. Especially how to speak or express their love for the other one diplomatically.

    Had my husband dealt his pre-marital issues at his home tactfully without expressing way too much love and addiction on me, he could have tackled his mom's insecurity rightly then.

    Similarly had my male cousin stopped talking way too much about his sister and their attachment with his new wife unnecessarily, he could have avoided her bitterness towards his sister.

    It is expected in our culture that a wife and a mom are equally dependent on a man. His marriage turns their life so seriously that they either become superior or insecure based on how he balance the relationship.

    Instead of teaching women about everything under the sky when she is ready for marriage, why not teaching our men as to how to balance relationships specially when it comes to wife vs parents/siblings. Mainly we know women are so sensitive and possessive naturally and they take things seriously than their male counterparts mainly because of their dependent state on them. Culture and society plays an important role here to add fuel to the fire.

    Just sharing my experience
     
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  2. Scorpio707

    Scorpio707 Platinum IL'ite

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    SGBV....

    True what you mentioned in the last para...it's women who always come under the radar and men walk Scot free....wish they were also taught on "Life after marriage, do's & don't etc etc " .... never mind...doubt if that ever is going to happen....

    Insecurity has various levels to it, going by my experience after 6 years of marriage I believe that for MIL's tend to get paranoid by age too, rather than living a peaceful, happy, healthy life and letting go...that's when they compete with DIL to prove more they are better than us in all ways....at least my MIL does that shakehead
     
  3. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    How true! Great post, @sgbv

    insecurity happened with my mil too... When my brother was about to get married, he showed me (on Skype) something he bought for me and mentioned he bought the same for his fiancée. I gave him a lecture about not buying the same stuff that he buys for others for his wife; about treating her a bit more special than the other women in his life; make sure she feels cherished and pampered at all times instead of it seeming like he is trying to balance everyone out. His asked if I was sure I or our mum wouldn't feel bad if he bought her blah blah and us, nothing. I assured him that we knew he loves us; we don't need reassurances now, but he needs to channel his time and effort towards his wife to draw her into the family. Then I spoke to my mum about this conversation and she backed me.

    A few years now since he got married and on this front, touchwood their life has been drama free. Of course my SIL is indeed the sweetest and super balanced too. Recently she spoke to me about her sisters case where the husband doesn't know how to balance things out and said, "thanks to you your brother has never made me feel like that" I was touched!
     
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  4. smiling4u

    smiling4u Senior IL'ite

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  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks everyone for your comments.

    @guesshoo
    How sweet SIL you are. Your SIL is really blessed to be married to a family like yours.

    Even, we advice the same to our brother. Not sure if I would do the same had my case was NOT beaten to death at my in laws' hand in the past. IL forums and my past experience have made me become more balanced person in life.

    My brother was also recently married. Every time he tries to balance us with equal gift or time or even efforts in some matters, we encourage him to show something extra to his new wife. The reason is same. We know him, but she is getting to know him. So, he needs to prove him there.

    I remember when my brother was engaged he bought 4 new sarees. One is good for elders, so mom took it. The other 3 were really good ones and looked alike. He took one of them to his fiance as Christmas gift while sharing the other 2 with we sisters.
    I remember me and my mom warned him not to give the same gift to his fiance, but something special along with this. So, we finally made him buy another new outfit and some accesaries for her, so that the gift parcel can be made special from others. This was really appreciated by SIL then.

    As you said, we are truly blessed to have a nice SIL, who equally shares a good sisterhood with us. I guess, the reason could be the initial assurance that she received from her husband.
     
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  6. dsmenon

    dsmenon Gold IL'ite

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    @SGBV your last paragraph sums it all. Men are never taught anything about married life. We women right from our puberty are taught to behave in a different way, learn to take care of everyone, learn to cook, learn to clean, learn to talk nicely, learn to do this, learn to do that but i wonder what are men asked to learn? For god sake, they are not even taught to balance/differentiate between mom n wife. I hope this changes atleast i have made a note to myself that i would not be clingy and would try to teach my son the difference between wife and mother.
     
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  7. Anamika99

    Anamika99 Gold IL'ite

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    again, i will echo the same i have in past.... root to all issues...is not letting two people start their life together as their own life....


    It is tow matured adults who get married and they need to start their life as an independent of his/her past relations (and i do not meant to forget them) so no body has to come under fire for not balancing or not learning the way new family works
     
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  8. CrayoNess

    CrayoNess Platinum IL'ite

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    Guess the best way to teach men is to let them move out after they grow up, build their own home (and learn them to cook, do laundry etc). Later when they get married they will not have difficulties differentiating between mother and wife (as the separation from mummy happened already earlier).
     
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  9. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    SGBV, nice post, and a good start to an interesting discussion. But, I have to disagree.

    Any person (man or woman) put in the position of having to balance two such close relationships will struggle. A woman will struggle if they live with her parents after marriage. Instead of the kitchen, the power struggles will be between the men - in the drawing room or over other things men care about.

    Once married, man and woman should be free to put their spouse first. Birth family should understand that it is natural, and does not in anyway undermine the 18-20 years spent together.

    Not living with either set of parents in the early years of married life is very necessary for this ideal state of affairs to happen.

    That is not fair to men. 'sensitive' and 'possessive' and 'take things more seriously' are not excuses women can take cover under for being petty about non-issues.

    I actually feel sorrier for men - who are caught in the middle for no reason but being born male in Indian (or South Asian) society.
     
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  10. dsmenon

    dsmenon Gold IL'ite

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    Hope that works but there are parents who make decisions for their grown up kids and the sons let that happen, even if they are not with them.
     

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