Insecure, doubtful & abusive ILs

Hi Shilpa
I'm in the same boat for pts 1-11... seems like a re-play of my life...
Only on the financial part its different as mainly I control that and all we have is jointly held by DH and I
I've been married 15+yrs.. so whats the solution?
well I've had countless number of meaningless,pointless, immature fights with DH.. spoilt our health and relationship till one fine day I realised that my MIL wasn't worth it.
Infact I've just put up a post regarding this topic.. wonder when will all this change?
K

 

1) Who are completly insecure after marrying off their son.

Leave them on their own.. Let them live with their insecurity. No point in convincing them over and over that their SON IN MARRIED AND NOT ADOPTED !

2) Constantly frustrating son and DIL for staying in a different city within India.

Again, nothing much can be done. WHen they say they are frustrated, simply say Oh, you had already said this the last time... so, I guess, we have nothing more to talk / my baby is whining too like his grandmom so I need to go ! ( this was on a lighter note.. ! )

3) Now openly abusive in their visits.. after 6 yrs of marrying their son with small children.

STOP then when they get abusive. TELL them, you dont like to hear such weird talks. If they have any problem, they need to be DECENT ! Else, please DO NOT TALK !

4) Yearly escalating petty disagreement between son & DIL and calling up DIL's parents to severe all ties and dire consequences.

Now, this is your fault. How can you keep quite when they call your parents ? WHy cant you putyour foot right down theirs and tell them, DONT BEHAVE LIKE SCHOOL KIDS ! Your son married an adult, you have an issue, TALK to me ! Not to my parents ! Ask your parents to NOT entertain ANY calls from them, when the tone goes haywire ! Ask them to tell your inlaws to deal with you directly.. They dont really bother much about cutting ties with your inlaws, rather would do it themselves, if this continues ! Your parents can simply stop taking any calls from them ! They deserve to be in peace..

5) Cornoring DIL and all supporting each other for every wrong they do & say.

Who is ALL ? If this ALL includes your hubby, then time to retrospect your relationship with him. Do not blame inlaws if your hubby is accusing you of all the mistakes his parents do ! It simply means, he is not using his brains.
But if the ALL doesnt include your hubby, DOES IT MATTER AT ALL, when YOUR FAMILY IS FINE. I dont say, it is easy.. but it shouldnt matter so much ! Ask them to back off and tell them you are getting SICK of them !


6) If their son tries to support his wife then further frustration & abuses for him.

Now, that is upto the son to handle ! If the son knows his wife is not at fault and is being supportive, then he better learn to handle parents too.. I guess, you need to bother more about what is told about you than worry what little is told about their son.. End of the day, THEY WILL LOVE HIM .. See, that is the DIFFERENCE !

7) ILs are apparently educated and had been living in metro over 40 yrs but the abusiveness is not at all gone.. this is not just for DIL but also for elderly servants.

For now, worry about family issues, leave aside the characters' attitude in general !


8) FIL absolutely clear at the time of marriage for no dowry but MIL is a typical greedy lady who would wait for even hospital food on discharge day.

How does that matter to you. If she wants to wait for hospital food, let her. If she is asking for dowry, warn her about cops ! Simply tell her NO !

9) MIL speaks nicely to DIL but constantly fuels her son against DIL & her fly even in front of servants.

GIve her a taste of her own ! Give away sarcastic remarks and laugh it off on her face... if that is going to ease your mind.

Let me point you something here .. the same domestic helpers are bad mouthed by her isnt ? So, you think those helpers would in any way be soo bothered as you are.. ? They consider the bad mouthing as trash and move on. WHy dont you ??
Just smile at the helper and ask her to go work and not waste time on such silly talks.. I am sure, the helper will be as thrilled as you would be !! :thumbsup

10) MIL always ready to keep her son's bed either in their room or hall on pretext of distrubance by a small child.

And what is the SON doing then ? Leave it to him to be a MAN, here !

11) MIL cannot stand anyone talking nicely to DIL, any appreciation for her and even her own kids approaching/ calling out to her.

There are many people who would be disliking you .. Do you go about feeling bad about everyone ? So, why care even !

Shilpa, not everyone are pleased living with such inlwas.. I know. But when you have no way out, you simply have to fight it YOUR WAY, YOUR STYLE !! Now, dont tell me, it is easier said than done. It is not difficult to stand up for yourself, Shilpa ! Really . You just need to be bold and fight your own battle.. When you have a supportive husband who knows, you arent at fault and you have been tolerating quite a lott.. and is helpless too , what miracle do you expect could happen ?

Get practical, learn to say ENOUGH and STOP IT ! You dont have scream yor lungs out, you simply have to be firm and TALK ! That is all.

Dont look at yourself in pity... Simply wake yourself up and TELL people to LISTEN !

In addition to above the ILs have ensured that :
1) Son's bank accounts have nominee as only mother.
2) Sons's office PF & gratuty etc have 100% contribution to mother.
3) Car bought by DIL is in their son's name.

What would have gone wrong, if you folks refused the entire thing ? She would have thrown tantrums, yes ! But then what ? She would have commited suicide / killed you ? NO.. She would have accepted ! How about asking her to put you as a nominee for FIL's account ! Arre, you need some financial support too ! See, the whole point is you folks didnt speak up when you had to ! You let the matter go haywire fearing that , you cannot handle the showdown ! Now, if you cannot handle your lives, practically, who else do you think will come forward to help you ? Think !


You let things happen knowing it isnt going right, and later feel sorry for it ! What is the point ? Dont you think, you rather simply learn to SAY NO ? Not that, if the car is in your hubby's name, it is not fine. But little decisions that YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND HAD TO TAKE, YOU LET OTHERS DO IT ! For what ? Now, who do you think needs to change here ??

 

See, the whole point is you folks didnt speak up when you had to ! You let the matter go haywire fearing that , you cannot handle the showdown ! Now, if you cannot handle your lives, practically, who else do you think will come forward to help you ? Think !

Quoting the above from preethi's reply...
Preethi you are very correct in your analysis... Its definately ladies like myself/ shilpa etc fault that we have landed in this situation today. I'll share with you guys few facts:
I got married against my parents & MIL wishes.
My Dad passed away from cancer a year before my marriage. He gave his consent in the end my Mom was not too happy.
I really was looking for comfort/ love. assurance from my in-laws which my FIL gave willingly but MIL was vicious from day 1
my DH being the only child wanted to do all we could for his parents and I gave into each and every of his wishes. Never did I bother to think what about me & my child's future. I just wanted to be by his side in all he did.
NO I'm NOT building up a sad case for my self just stating facts.
AND THEN came a time a few years back when I realised that here am I giving all and what am I getting in return???
Just becuase I let people bull doze over all my desires and wishes they never turned back to see me standing alone fighting my own battles without any help. My health deterioted mental peace was lost... then I decided NO MORE and Now I've drawn my lines CLEARLY with all DH , Son and MIL.
YES its our fault Shilpa that we like fools have been dormats for so long...
its time we stand up for OURSELVES

 

Hey ShilpaMA,

I guess there are loads of people sailing in the same boat as you are . May be the degree of it would be lesser or more . Maybe there could be some other pressing issue ( like my SIL's ) for me..

The position of DH is crucial and they need to grow a spine. Very Imp..
Or else nothing is gonna change.

Agree with Preethi .. WE paved way for all this ... I seriously wish they conduct some classes . We learnt all subjects and scored centums and came out with flying colours. But in life with IL's we seem to failing terribly. ( but few glaring exceptions) .

 

Shilpa,

When you have your cards playing right.. it is not about how long you can play, it is how soon you finish !!

When you have set many things straight for yourself , it is just how soon you set the others in place ! So, it is not that you sail for ' long ' , it is how ' soon ' you reach !

You said, you derived it from Feduptocore's post.. But, you have derived isnt the good thing about her post.. I am sure, had she reached out to here or had this realisation by some means, she wouldnt have let go off her 15 wonderful years for something and for someone ! I bet you on that..

It is not just about finding people from the same situation, it is also about what you learn from their weaknesses.. or mistakes so that you dont commit them. Anyways, all the very best to you !

Feddy , ( I dont like to call you by your username, really ! )

I loved the way, you took control of your life, Girl ! You did prove,
Happiness starts from US !! :thumbsup

 

Dear Shilpa
Preethi is absoloutely correct.... please no good looking at people in the same situation to come out of it, though i know its good to know that you are not the only one & there are others in the same boat BUT ... we need to gather the inspiration from the ladies who have got hold of their life in such an early stage that they can't be bulldozed over any more.
K

Preethi
I really like your attitude.. I wish i had that years back... but never too late.
I too don't like my ID name.. can i change it? I made it when I was really FED UP with all that was happening!!!

 

Unfortunately no.. :hide: BUT, you can sign of as FEDDY from now, if you like it !! :thumbsup