Inner Turmoil over Husband's Ex

Dear Kaliedoscope, what you are saying is absolutely normal. Any sane girl will initially feel the insecurity about such a past. But, the point to note is that, you yourself can erase this feeling from your mind AND your husband also has to help you get over it! (If he really means he has gotten over it)

Have you ever felt that your husband scolds you or tell you to do something (or NOt do something) in a way that he is comparing you eith smeone else?

Does your husband ever feel sorry for himself about his life?

Has he ever mentioned too good a things (mostly something that know you dont have) about the ex to you..?

Well, if you answer is NO then you know it, your husband is a good man and really wants to forget the past and move ahead and walk the life with you. So keep telling youself this, and one fine day you would have forgotten it.

And please belive me when I say that dont keep your in-securities inside your mind, talk it out to ur husband - and DO NOT pronounce it in a way that you are accusing him of having an ex - it is but natural that he wants to forget it, but you have to make him understand abt your insecurities to him - and tell him that - a simple heartfelt I love you from you will make my day!!

 

Yeah, you will always remember the first person you had a serious crush on. Just like you will remember the first time you went to the beach, the first time you went the hospital, lost a tooth, travelled in a plane, or made a best friend. But it doesn't mean those things are always on your mind and an integral part of your life. They're just past events which led us to have SECOND time we went to beach, second time we travelled in plane, etc. Like stepping stones.

I responded to this thread because I have a lot in common with you. My dh was married before me, and my inlaws spoiled my mind with 'how much he loved his ex'. It took YEARS for me to undo the web of lies and hurt they planted in my mind. And yes, you are right, mulling over the past (and ex's) can ruin a marriage.

I'll tell you what one lady here told me, it made a lot of sense. If that love was meant to be, or if that love was sooooo great, or if it was even love at all..... wouldn't our hubby's be with their ex's instead of us? We are called 'wife' today for a reason... because WE (you and me ) are the ones meant for our guys.

The fact that your husband wants to tell your straight that his feelings for her are over, means a lot. If he wasn't over her, he wouldn't have married you. And by telling you this, he has basically made it clear that you are most important person in his life and he doesn't want you to get hurt by anyone elses stupid gossip.

Memory of first love? Girl, just think of the memories YOU have created (and will create) in his heart... getting engaged, the wedding day, building a life together, eventually having kids. You win, hands down. Always remember that. :thumbsup

 

Kaliedo, all are not that lucky to be born as neighbour, grow in same school/ colleage & get married, mostly people meet each other directly around the time of marriage... now what went in those years is past.. & just blame yourself for not being in front of your DH when he was in the age to fall for someone .

This guy was great enuff to share his past, however you're trying to dig the dead... what benefit will you get in exploring more on the past.. except teasing him? Do you want to build life on comparisons?

Its a trauma for many people who cant handle it, and if you knew you're just one of them then you might have stopped him the moment he started the topic, now that you know it.. what confirmation do you want on a regular basis if he still loves her or no? Yes there will always be a soft corner & a pain point for the bearer but the person finally made you as his priority.. Isn't that sufficient?
Is your ego being hurt that you were not the first lady he fell for or that he went for you cos things dint work out?
If so then get out of the rat race, u'll feel better... being first or last is of lesser sygnificance as compared to be the current partner which is truth. Why we meet in first place if we were to separate is beyond normal comprehension but moving on in life is very important.

 

Hi ASG,

This is indeed a wonderful and practical response. This is what my DH has told me when I was in the same insecurity phase due to his past love affair a couple of years before we met each other.

when we were just friends my DH himself told me several times about his ex, and what made them find two different paths in life etc...etc... . That was also one of the reason behind my love for him. It was not at all an issue for me that time.

But one fine day, after having developed a very close relationship with him I opened his e mails (he only gave me his ID and PW to send an application on behalf of him) and found a folder in HER name, and there were 100s of e mails from her. Of course, his EX is now happily married, and all those e mails were just the past conversations, as they are not in contact now.
I was so curious to read them, and I managed to read half of those e mails with heavy heart. All were telling me the truth how my DH was in love with her and how they spent their past days happily.

Nothing was new to me, as my DH has already shared everything about his past life with me before we have started this relationship, but it drove me crazy when I read HIS love e mails to his EX.

I started comparing his e mails to me, his talks with me and everything with that happy e mails with her. That made me come to a conclusion that my DH still loves his EX and not me, hence I started fighting with him over nothing. This all happened before our marriage.

One day, my DH sat me down, and showed me a photo of both of them (he and his EX) and asked me to distroy that photo.

He said the same lines as ASG mentioned here... That made sense.. Yes, if he loved her too much, then why didn't he marry her? Why did he gave priorities to his family and career than that girl?
At the same time, why did he fight with his family and everyone to marry me? If he didn't love me, then he could have let this love go like the previous one.. why this time, he has to fight and save his love... Because he doesn't want to lose me as he loves me more than that ex. It is just the matter of his past... he didn't meet me then, and that's why he loved her... I managed to convince my mind like this...

Now my DH has deleted that folder from him mail box, no photos and nothing with him.

 

Dear Kaleo...
ex = X.... crossed out...
good memories = good times that we had
past is what we lived but present is what you plan your future with...
my dear
I'm replying to you becoz... I had a very serious affair before i met my DH.. At the time we broke up I thought I'll never be able to love another...
Yes I do think of him.. I do meet him... i do care for him as we can't wipe out our past and we shared wonderful times... but
I'm married for the past 16 years with a child... he is married for nearly 20 years with 2 kids
our spouses are very much aware of our relationship... but they know that we were not meant for each other that is why we are married to them... and they respect it and never have objected to our friendship...
now you may find that weird now but understanding and trust is the basis of any marriage if that is lost then nothing can help...
yes first love is the most wonderful feeling when you are young but.... its not necessary that its going to be your eternal love...
forget about it and just live life kingsize with your DH:thumbsup
K

 

Tugga, your story was really moving (and similar to how I felt too!).

Actually same thing happened to me with the emails. One day me and dh were at the computer, long before he was my 'dh', and I saw alllll the emails to his ex. And he told me 'This is all to my ex. It's trash.' Then he deleted it all. That to me said very clearly he is not holding on to any momentos from her and that he wants to focus on US.

I liked your hubby's destroying the old picture technique. That sounded like a very powerful moment between the two of you.

 

I think your fears and insecurities are unfounded in this instance unless your husband has given enough reasons to believe that his past flame is still burning. People fall in love and get over it and it happens too often than you think. Just because your spouse was in love with someone in the past does not necessarily mean he is still in love with that person and may very well have gotten over her.

The history between you and your spouse starts from the day you decide to court each other exclusively or got married, whatever that maybe in your specific case. What he did in the past or who he loved in the past is totally irrelevant unless you have reasons and material evidence to suspect that relationship is not over. And yes, I said material evidence in addition to whatever instincts or hunches that might cross your mind LOL

So unless you have some concrete evidence and proof to back your intuition and hunches, you are losing your mind and sleep over an invisible adversary who may or may not be relevant in your relationship.

I am not sure if this is rational or normal, but it is certainly not healthy. You should learn to trust your spouse until he gives you a valid reason and not to trust him anymore.

 

How is he with you NOW?
How is your marriage life NOW?

This is what that should matter to you. Nothing more. Nothing less. Gone are the days where there will be THE guy/girl in one's life. People have crushes, past relationships (be it love, marriage). But what is important is how your present and future is. If you are having a fabulous relationship, don't you think his past will fade not from yours, but even from his memory?

As someone said before, unless you have clear facts to prove that he has not gotten over his ex, there is nothing you should worry about