Inlaws nice on the front and talking ill on the back

anugamit · Dec 20, 2011

Hi Iladies,

I dont know if this is a silly question. Why do Inlaws talk ill about our parents? How would you react if you come to know your MIL and SIL talking ill about your parents and telling mad to your mom on the back? They wont say anything on front and act nicely but will criticize a lot on the back to the relatives. I know this is a common problem for each and every DIL here...but still i dont know why this thought is taking up my mind and I feel hurt :rant. If they say about my parents in front i can ask them why they talk like this about my parents but what about this? How do you calm your mind after hearing ill about your parents? Why they speak ill of people who are not interfering or causing trouble in their lives?

sarajara · Dec 20, 2011

I think you are new to the club.. ITs an unanswered million dollar question..

Its all because of simple attitude.. that they are the son's parents.. and the dominant part of the relationship!

If you are damn frustrated .. then take it straight with them.. itf they come to know tht you get the news.. they would stop talking to pp; or atleast stop talking ill

the decision is yours.. whether to take them head on ,, or handle them with some other indirect strategy.

bhumi1231 · Dec 20, 2011

Hi,
Its been an year of my marriage and i know my MIL do talk/gosspp behind us...recently i and my husb caught her talking over phone bad abt my H ,me and my parents..thakfuly it was good as my H came to knw her thghts.The other day ,i got a chance to blow her off telling her we heard all,and i have always made a point to tell her in front of my H that my parents are most imp and no one has any right to say anything against them..i make sure not to hear anything agaist my parents..initially whn i came after marriage she used to comment me /taunt me..but now as i knw she hardly respects any efforts of mine,i had to tell her weather she likes or not.We dont sign a bond to hear against our parents?why do we have to encourage this by keeping quiet?

swekiran · Dec 20, 2011

hi,
even i faced such type of scenes.my mil directly curses my mom for very small things and from the next moment acts as if nothing has happened.i try explain a lot till then she would have given my mom and me a thousands of curses and says "i love u so much i say anything for u r wellbeing".
though i stay at my parents place she does everything using phone itself.
the solution i got is i fixed in mind she is mentally retarded and feel sorry for her and ignore her

spuppala · Dec 20, 2011

Hi Anila,

Am sorry for your situation.I know how much it hurts you.
I can tell you one thing.If it is a general and rare issue just leave it.But if it continues ,kindly have a chat with your MIL and explain her how much you value her and how much you love her.Tell her that you did not expect her to do bad mouthing her parents and it hurt you a lot.Keep your tone friendly and kind such that your MIL don't make the situation worst hearing you shout at her.The simplest way is to enter in to the shoes of her daughter and tackle the situation.Tell her we all are one family and you treat her as her own mother.She will definitely change herself..

If she acts smart telling that she didn't talk like that,tell her that even you have expected the same ,someone could have played a game to create problems among your families.She would sure feel guilty for what she has done and avoid talking like that.

I wish you good luck in your married life.

satchitananda · Dec 20, 2011

Hi Anu,

I agree with you - this is a very common problem with most Indian ILs. But that is no consolation. It still hurts. If they say anything in front of you, you can directly confront them. But when it is said behind your back, do you have proof that they said this? If so, you can definitely ask them why they are talking like that. Without proof, how can you do anything about it?

How did you come to know about this? Are you sure whoever told you about this is not trying to create trouble between you and your ILs?

MVRENUKA · Dec 20, 2011

I think this would be a common experience for many.. according to me, it happens for 3 reasons:

1) Guys side / relatives are considered superior to us(for so many years now). it is yet to get out of their mind.
2) Our society wants lots of gosip to kill the time and they start calling our inlaws to learn about the new bride and her relatives. the gosips will be interesting only if there are some spice added to it, so inlaws do the needful.
3) last but not the least is that, we girls try to be a GOOD DIL.. the biggest mistake.. we dont get an award for it. if we make it very clear that we will not take any non sense, then they will not dare to speak a word wrong about us and our parents.

anugamit · Dec 21, 2011

Thanx ladies for your replies,

Let me tell you and you all wont believe this that this was told by my dear H to me that her SIL and MIL were talking like this....even i told him that who are they to tell my parents like this...i literally called her bitch on his face...i told him my mother has nothing to do with them how dare they say like this....i decided i will make sure my mom never meet them in the future and asked my mother not to call them ever, so they cannot pick up a topic about my mother and speak against her.

These inlaws wants more importance to them over our parents.....there is nothing on my inlaws side to take pride of...they are illiterate as well as lower middle class family...may be its because i never ask help from my MIL or her daughter for anything (becoz she never knew anything whenever or whatever i asked her about) and she thinks i have no respect for her. She will praise herself and her daughter a lot in front of me that how they can handle their household work, keeps home super clean, cook well, can handle children, and can do anything they want...but god knows how i get crazy after hearing all this stuff repeatedly :bonk :spin. even if someone wants help, will not ask if they keep on boasting like anything for everything...I feel frustrated :bang. This was when i went their to deliever my kid....Everybody here who has been pregnant once knows how it feels if someone constantly bangs on our head during those times. since then, i dont give them importance nor do i call them very frequently. They lost somewhat of a respect from my side since then.

one more incident was.....where i confronted with my FIL for his drinking habits before (he has stopped drinking since then). They think i have no respect for them whereas i talk nicely to my mom.

sarajara · Dec 21, 2011

Suppala!,

good idea!

rissy · Dec 21, 2011

You should have told your husband politely that you are very upset by this and won't appreciate that they talk bad like this. If you call your MIL and SIL names then your h will not respect you. I know u lost temper because of their fault but remember, if someone tell wrong sweetly ppl will listen them but if someone tell true rudely and with lost temper, ppl will not be willing to listen to them. So though if you are right in your place, but your tone of voice is wrong you may not be listened. And is your h supportive of you. Why he listened to them at first place. Sorry to point him but think about this before being angry on MIL-SIL. He listened to them and now leaked it to you. Why? If it was bothering him why he didn't told them directly that I will not appreciate wrong words about my MIL from your mouth. And if he is leaking their words to u possibly he can leak ur words to them. Sit with him and discuss that if they told like this in front of you then you should not entertain them and listen to them. Why can't he tell them that mom pls I love and respect you but same way I respect my MIL too. Just like you are my mom, she is my wife's mom, if someone talk ill about you then I can't tolerate then how can I tolerate if you talk about her like that. Your h should tell her that how would she feel if someone talk about her like that.

2 wrongs cannot make one right. So if u called her bitch on his face behind her back, what is the difference between her and you. think about it. Always remember, be firm but not rude. Stand your grounds but not lose your temper. Because in future it may happen that even if you are right about them you will come in fault because of your less polite way. Your point is that why they call your mother like that, and in against to it if your h will make it a point tht u too called her names, then it may happen that their fault will be suppressed and because of your wrong tone, you will come in fault. So keep cool and handle accordingly