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Inlaws demanding a second wedding ceremony!

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by asuitablegirl, Mar 1, 2010.

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  1. vmtaurus

    vmtaurus Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi ASG

    A big NO to the wedding. I agree with so many of the posters and have followed your previous threads (FB problem)
    I would strongly suggest that you do not go for even this wedding. Like another poster suggested, go for your vacation either before or after.
    'Visit' them for a day or two. If your husband wants to stay longer, let him, but I think you should not. When you know instinctively that these people hate your guts, please avoid them. You do not need this negativity in your life.
    Take care and good luck!:thumbsup
     
  2. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Yes, I do believe they might hurt me. When they were staying with us, my mil would burst through the bedroom door and run up to me and try to take a punch at me. My dh literally had to pick her up and carry her out of the room, else I would have been hit.

    My fil would constantly raise his hands in a slapping jesture, but my dh would say "Pa, put your hand down!!"

    And that was WITH my dh in the same room. When my dh was at work, most of the time I would lock myself in our room so they couldn't get me, or I'd go stay with friends until my dh came home. Towards the end of their stay, I was getting a really BAD gut feeling.

    My mil is NOT all mentally there. Like, SOMETHING is wrong. She can function in society, but probably wouldn't be able to on her own without fil.... there's just something wrong... and I don't want to test her out to see how far a mental person can go. Plus, in my dh's family, their way of solving problems involves bribes, thugs, and violence. You know, MAYBE nothing would happen to me if I went to India and saw them.... but if something DID happen... I would be kicking myself saying "Jeez ASG, you knew it was dangerous! Why did you take a chance?" Better safe than sorry. Put it this way... my inlaws were EVICTED from our aprartment complex during their stay because other renters could hear their abusive shouting at me, and management thought they were dangerous too and disturbing the peace.

    The relatives aren't much better than my inlaws.

    Bingo. My mil wants gifts. As always.

    Why is their some aura of 'wow' surrounding Rajasthanis? I had never given it any thought before until I saw my mil's obsession. I mean she's not even Rajasthani... and she only MARRIED INTO a Gujarathi family... my mil is like, SOUTH INDIAN! So why do you think she is so into Rajasthanis? I grew up in US... so I don't know... do many Indians living in India have this fetish for Rajasthanis? Is that common?

    That's the problem Shilpama. If ever I wear to recreate this wedding thing, I'd want it MY way and I wouldn't want it to be like my dh's first wedding. But my mil will do anything to make me and dh feel uncomfortable, she is always trying to remind us that their was a woman before me, and I know I would be pushed to incorporate Rajasthani stuff into the ceremony or that I'd be getting snide comments about his previous marriage. NO THANKS! I'm not into creating a creapy deja vu experience for my hubby.
    GiJoe, my mil is not even Rajasthani... she just has adopted Rajasthan culture as her own for some reason. So if she can randomly pick a state in India to be fixated on, I'm sure she wouldn't have a problem incorporating in other rituals as long as it suits HER. :rotfl

    That's the problem BeeAmma. We're saving for a house next year, and really can't afford this big wedding expense on top of the steep cost to even visit India. As for a say in the arragnements, my guess is that no, everything would be according to my mil. My guess is she'll try to copy my dh's first wedding in regards to food, decoration, etc... which is why I'm not too keen to give her that chance. She's up to something. She thrives on putting a strain between me and hubby.
    Because...
    1) time goes by fast
    2) it would be just like my mil to start buying stuff and demand to be reimbursed by us NOW
    3) I like to solve problems before they become bigger issues

    :)
     
  3. Tara09

    Tara09 New IL'ite

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    Where I am from, AP, does not have this custom. I haven't heard this even in Tamilnadu. I am not sure about the other 2.
    I have friends from other 2 states and will check with them.




    STAY AWAY!!! You shouldn't be taking a chance!
    There is nothing to think much and have a dilemma about your trip, It is a straight NO....for the wedding!
    Go some other time, may be without informing them that you are in the country. Finish sight seeing, get onto the plane back home. Give no clue to them. Is that not possible?

    Your MIL is a freak and that is why that fetish..!!!......:rotfl
    No! it is not common and not all Indians have this.

    Definitely, India is a colorful country with varied cultures. Each culture has something very unique about it and in spite of the differences in language, food,culture,climate, dress, living habits India still maintains a united front and a strong democracy which in fact is the largest democracy in the world. Really wonder if any country has such diversity and still remains as one strong country.
    So, your MIL going crazy over Rajasthani culture is understandable because of the beauty in it but then remember every state has its own unique beauty and there is no guarantee tomorrow she can go crazy over some other state which is located geographically, in a completely opposite direction.

    You know loving a beauty is good but making other people's life a living hell because of your craze is unpardonable.
    She needs to keep her admiration of the culture to herself and not force like this on you.

    So, what does she want now? You guys play 'marriage, marriage' again so she can clap in the end. Who will pay the bills? Is this a child's play?
    Wedding calls for lot of energy leave alone money.
    I think you should not be spending all your energy just to get back that horrible attitude from your inlaws.....it is scary!!!
     
    Last edited: Mar 2, 2010
  4. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    Hi ASG,
    Arguments against doing the ceremony:
    1. Costs
    Potential solution: Cap the expenses. Set expectations straight on how much you will pay.
    2. Personal security
    Potential solution: Have folk/s from your side also visit the ceremonies and stay close to you and stay on the lookout. I highly doubt that she will physically harm you when you are there after arranging such elaborate ceremonies in front of all their relatives.
    3. Potential arguments and fights
    Potential solution: Make it a short trip. Go to the place only for 1 week and spend the rest of the time visiting other places.

    Arguments for doing the ceremony
    1. If it means a lot to your husband.
    2. If guy guys felt that you missed out on something by going for a low-key ceremony.
    3. Wedding ceremonies can be great fun.

    I do have a friend that did something similar. They did a civil ceremony in the US and later on they did a hindu ceremony in India (after a few years). It was an opportunity is to meet his entire clan. You might get to meet with saner people from his clan. Also it can be quite magical :).
     
  5. GiJoe

    GiJoe Silver IL'ite

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    [​IMG]

    Here the bride and the groom wash the feet of groom’s parent’s feet.


    [​IMG]

    Here the bride’s brother washes the feet of the groom.
     
  6. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    BeeAmma, you've given a good pros and cons look at this scenario.

    The only problem is, even with expenses capped, it's going to be expensive when you factor in food and outfits... not to mention why would I want to pay for my mil's choice of everything, and for a wedding I've already had?

    Yeah, I don't think she'd do anything to me AT the ceremony, but what about the days before and after? Or when she gets me alone? I don't know, I just don't like/trust her, and I don't want to see her AT ALL when we go to India. My dh doesn't mind if I stay in our hotel room while he spends the day at his parents house.

    Also, wedding ceremonies are only fun when you're happy to be there. I won't be happy around my inlaws, and I won't be happy wearing same stuff and doing same rituals as dh did with ex, and I won't be happy remembering my REAL wedding day and how I was treated.

    I don't think my dh misses the big ceremony. He says big ceremonies don't prove anything... that he had one before and that year was the worst one of his life... so what do they prove? That's what he thinks about it. He thought it COULD be fun, but at the same time he knows how uncomfortable I'll be around his family. Really, how can I have fun around those type of people? My dream wedding would involve my ACTUAL wedding day, with a family that loves me, about to start my life new. This pseudo ceremony 4 years after marriage with people who hate my guts is NOT what I wanted. So why waste time and money on it?

    Yeah.... but, my dh is Gujarathi... wouldn't they want a Gujarathi customed wedding? Why does my mil insist I wear Rajasthani clothes when that is NOT the family custom??? Sometimes I wonder if ex would have been Punjabi, if my mil would have had a Punjab fetish instead. Really, I don't know if it's a genuine love of Rajasthan that is inspiring my mil, or just her obsession with my dh's ex (who is Rajasthani).

    The thing is everyone, majority of the nasty things my mil said to me while she was here involved the ex and dh's engagement, wedding day, honeymoon suite, wedding clothes... basically almost everything was wedding related. So I have BAD memories of weddings+mil. And really, I'm not interested to see her lying face act like the loving mil at the ceremony when I KNOW what type of vulgar stuff she has said to me and what she is capable of and what she wishes she could do to me.

    I think I'm going to skip the cousins wedding entirely, and also skip this wedding idea. That way me and dh can go on vacation later to India, and I won't have to see his parents AT ALL. Because if I go to the cousin's wedding, definitely my mil/fil/sil will be there, and I don't want to see that trio of ugly craps ever again.
     
  7. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    GI Joe, wow... interesting pictures! My mil is BIG TIME into demanding feet touching to seek "blessings", so I'm sure she would love to take advantage of feet washing tradition. Wonder if she knows about it? Hmmm.

    Wash her feet? It's probably all I can do to restrain myself from taking a machete and chopping her monkey feet off, let alone WASH then. Plus she has horrible yellow toe fungus. Gross.

    EDIT: Hey just noticed... where's the bride's parents? When do they get THEIR feet washed?
     
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2010
  8. luckybychance

    luckybychance Senior IL'ite

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    seems like they r up to something.
    just say a Big NO to it.

    but may be your idea of getting married traditional way is some what sounds nice.
    may be u should do it, just both of u in a temple (not the way your IL's wanted)

    Good Luck dear.
     
  9. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    ASG, next time your MIL wants a gift, be a nice DIL and give her a gift voucher for quail hunting expedition with the former vice president of US. If she is hesitant, convince her it is a quail in Rajasthani costume. I suspect that might be the last gift you will ever have to give to your MIL. :rotfl
     
  10. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Malavika, you are too funny!!!! Hahahaha! :biglaugh
    Omg, I literally imagined a plump little bird running around in Rajasthani outfit and my mil chasing after it! :rotfl

    Either that, or I take a map of Rajasthan and attach a string to it, then hide around the corner and pull the string so she follows it... follows it... follows it.. all the way out to big Rajasthani dessert and leave her there clinging to Rajasthan map. :bonkShe would sit out there for all eternity salivating over that picture. God forbid some poor Rajasthani girl crosses her path... my mil would put her in a headlock and cuddle her like a plush toy. Sometimes I feel bad talking about her like this... because probably she has some mental illness and it's not nice talking about handicap people in a bad way. But really, this Rajasthan thing has gone way beyond a point! Already there was one big Rajasthani wedding in 2003!! Must there be another one in 2011????? For God's sake, I'm already married! And neither me nor hubby are Rajasthani! When will the insanity end?? :rotfl
     
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