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Inlaws demanding a second wedding ceremony!

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by asuitablegirl, Mar 1, 2010.

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  1. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    But we never planned on going to their house. Already his parents told me that ex came to the house as a new bride and "it was like welcoming a Goddess"... so I'm absolutely not interested in visiting their house and getting sucked into that emotional garbage. They are more than welcome to contact 'the Goddess' who is currently residing in New York, and maybe they can get her to visit. But I DONT WANT TO!!! And my dh is not going to even try to make me. So if we go on vacation... what could happen?

    Yes, that is why I think you are right and that I should say NO to this wedding drama. In fact if we plan on going to India for sight seeing tourist stuff, I think it's best if we go after the cousin's wedding is over so I won't have to see any of his family members at all.

    So do you think he would force me??? OMG!! That would be horrible. Even if he requested... couldn't I just say NO? He's not like a King who can chop off my head if I say 'no', right? If he ever pushed me into a situation with his parents again, where I felt like my life was in danger, it would be the end of our marriage. I love him A LOT, but I love being alive much more.

    What is best solution then... have him go to India by himself to see his parents, and then us go together at a later time? I think that's reasonable. That way when he is at parents place, I'm in US. And when we are in India, I won't be left alone or pressurized to see his parents. Actually, I don't think he's interested in spending all that money to JUST see his parents.... I think he was only planning on seeing them if it fit into our vacation itinerary.

    Probably my inlaws realize they are not on our priority list of 'things to see', and hence came up with this big wedding drama to try and get us to spend time with them. They like me because I'm like a punching bag. My mil is like a rabid chimp... if she doesn't sink her teeth into somebody at least couple times a year, she goes nuts. So I think she's just salivating at the thought of 1) seeing her son and 2) ripping me apart.

    Scary.
     
  2. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Hey Rihana old buddy!

    Yeah, he was shocked... but not in a "wow this is great" way. I mean, at first he thought it was kind of nice, but then he looked like he was thinking about it and got kind of weirded out. And as soon as he heard it from them, I heard him tell his parents it was all up to me.

    My dh wants to give me the romantic day he thought I deserved to have on our wedding day. But that doesn't necessarily include a big Hindu ceremony in which I'm dressed up to look like a replica Rajasthani bride. In fact he would probably HATE that. His family pushed him to have the big wedding the first time, and he is not keen on it for a second time because he hates all the ego issues involved in a 'big wedding'. I think he would be just as happy getting married/renew vows with just the two of us and taking me on a honeymoon trip. Like I said in another post, HE'S not the one wanting the wedding.... he THINKS I'm the one who WANTS it, and hence is trying to make ME happy. So if I say 'no', it's not going to break his heart. I've already decided to say 'no' to this wedding drama with the inlaws because 1) I'm scared for my safety and that comes first and 2) why would I want to remind him of his first wedding ceremony? Wouldn't that be uncomfortable for both me and him? I think the time and place for red garagara cholis is in the past. We've been married for over 3 years now... so why bring up painful rituals?

    So they can start their 'we paid for your "wedding", now we deserve to live with you and be taken care of' crap? No thanks. :)

    I mean, what was your gut reaction Rihana? Didn't you think this was a little odd coming from THEM? The same people who just like, two weeks ago staged this whole Shobana incident?
     
  3. Sunny3

    Sunny3 New IL'ite

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    ASG, actually seeing what happened recently with you, facebook and all, it is better if you keep off from your monstrous inlaws for some years. Remember how shocked you were and any little thing may trigger your fear again so better stay away for some more years. These ceremonies, functions can all be had later or even with just the two of you here at your place without them around.
    Even though you knew how much your dh loves you and you love him but your shock at that internet thing was unimaginable. It was not like, NO! my dh can't do this and deleted it.
    It was more like "may be he is not what I thought". So, you are in a stage which needs some more work to build on that TRUST factor. And all that is possible if you stay away from those monsters some more years because they still seem to be behind you cooking up.
     
    Last edited: Mar 2, 2010
  4. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    You are right Sunny. You are right. After what you have said, I don't think it would be wise for me to put my dh to the test.... yet. Like you said, we need to build up more trust between us. I DO trust him.... but his parents are a very strong wedge between us... and who knows to what lengths they would go to in India? And who knows... maybe they would convince my dh to bring me to a certian location and then *bam* they'd be there waiting. I'm 90% sure my dh would not force his parents on me. But that 10% is what worries me.

    I used to have nightmares about them. In the year or so after they left, I used to have dreams of myself in a coffin box or about to get burnt in incinerator because I was dreaming I was dead because of them.... and I would get dreams of my mil snarling her yellow teeth at me, or me walking into the bathroom at my old apartment and my mil would be waiting in the shower stall to get me. Then because of all the lovey dovey details about ex and my dh, I'd have dreams where I was at their wedding watching my dh dump me to get remarried to ex. Pretty much the bad dreams have gone away now. Also, they tried to come here for a second visit, and hearing that I had an extreme panic attack and an ambulance had to come help me breath. I feel I'm stronger since then..... a lot stronger.... but you're right... I probably should wait some more years before visiting India or placing myself on the same continent as them. I don't want to have a mental snap and go back to how I felt when I first went through the abuse.

    Thanks for explaining things to me.... after thinking about what you have said, it makes a lot of sense.
     
  5. GiJoe

    GiJoe Silver IL'ite

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    This might be one of your MIL trick to show her powers, I don’t know much about rajasthan customs but in some south Indian customs the bride and the groom has to wash the MIL and FIL’s feet.
     
    Last edited: Mar 2, 2010
  6. swaram

    swaram Senior IL'ite

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    ASG,

    Do not agree for the wedding ceremony. Go on a vacation to India as per your plan and like some others had said, it is going to be very difficut to avoid IL. You can consider that both you and DH stay in a hotel in the same city and visit them for a couple of hours. If just your DH visits his parents, they will pressurize him to bring you etc. Don't give them a chance to brainwash him, then he will not hear anything you say. Then you might be forced to spend longer time with them.

    How things will work when you have kids you can worry about it at that point. No way DH will take a 2 or 3 year old kid by himself to India, it will be atleast 6 years before he will take the kid.

    If they insist on a wedding ceremony, tell them you are interested in trying out the south indian style wedding - where the DH and wife get married again when the DH turns 60 and again when he turns 80. Thats way you can get married again when your DH turns 60 - the kids can participate too.

    Swaram
     
  7. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    ASG,

    What would the duration of the stay be if you were to go? Would you have a say in the arrangements, control over the budget and expenses (since it sounds like you would need to foot the bill)?

    Marriage ceremonies can be quite involving so, it could mean that you do not actually spend much one-on-one time with your in laws. Also your mil might behave herself in front of the relatives so it should not be as bad as when they were in the US. Additionally there are quite a few scenic and romantic places worth visiting. You could also meet his other relatives.

    The only question mark is the BM aspect that you are trying to figure out.

    Anyways wedding ceremonies can be great fun and an opportunity to build lifelong beautiful memories.
     
  8. peaches n cream

    peaches n cream New IL'ite

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    hey asg,I think if you want to go to india in 2011 go ,but go after the wedding or before the wedding because your dh cousins wedding will either be over or not.I think your mil wants to create her own type of wedding because she wants to get back at you,to show shes still in control.your dh and you can go to any part of india,you can choose your own type of outfit,jewellery ,the works and renew your vows if you both feel if its what you want ,and relive your dreams.goodluck.:thumbsup
     
  9. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    ASG, per my opinion a big NO.
    I find it a waste of money, time, energies and loads of mental torture cos no indian wedding gets over without tons of gifts.

    If you have a minimum of 65,069.4 USD (30L Rs) to be spent only on marriage ceremony then go ahead with her grand plans... My MIL is a rajasthani and says that 15L is minimum amount that lower middle class spends for marriage and hence considers mine as a 0 expense marriage and loads of nonsense comments and comparisons.

    Its a wiser idea to only VISIT temple.. but again never agree for a temple wedding.. cos the freak MIL is... she'll try to fit in best of her demands here n there... its really not worth it. There's no free lunch... to get some rosy memories of a grand wedding u'll also get some thorny ones.
     
  10. feduptocore

    feduptocore Senior IL'ite

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    ASG... just a complete out of context question... Do you really think your in-laws will physically harm you when you visit them??... after all they have their son who loves you ever so much to answer... I really don't think they will have the guts.. fear of society will be too great..

    As bee ama suggested weddings can be great fun and you can happily ignore your MIL for those 2-3 days....She wouldn't dare do anything in front of the relatives... Also you can stay in a hotel and avoid whichever function you want to...that way you will the goody DIL who made a special effort to come down all the way from USA for a wedding in her in-laws side.. relatives will love you for this..

    About you getting married again.. sounds romantic but:bonk... may be at 25th anniversary.. re-live your vows...

    2011 is too far away why get hyper about it now???

    I had a registered and traditional marriage .... but makes no difference...
    K
     
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