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Inlaws demanding a second wedding ceremony!

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by asuitablegirl, Mar 1, 2010.

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  1. Mar 1, 2010 #11
    Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    If they have money ask them to transfer some money so you can buy something nice here :)
     
    Priya16, Mar 1, 2010
    Priya16, Mar 1, 2010
    #11
  2. Mar 1, 2010 #12
    Sunny3

    Sunny3 New IL'ite

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    ASG, Please read the above two parts of your post. If that is the fear then do you think you should go to India even in 2011. It is just one year from 2010...right? And if they have any such plans as you fear then might as well postpone for a year........SORRY, I had to warn you this way....could
    not see any other way to get this across.
    If at all you go in 2011 then can you avoid seeing his parents......I don't think so.

    I mean, knowing how treacherous your inlaws are and to what extent they can go, you should not be visiting India anywhere in the near future. Make it a decade from now, when you have kids then take them to show India, stay in a hotel and never visit your inlaws. If they live in north India then you go visit south India or vice versa. STAY AWAY!! is what I mean to say. There are lot of other places on the globe to go visit. You and your dh enjoy those for sight seeing and keep India plan away for some time.
     
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2010
    Sunny3, Mar 1, 2010
    Sunny3, Mar 1, 2010
    #12
  3. Mar 1, 2010 #13
    asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    My dh knows my concerns. Our plan was for when we visit India, we would go to the major tourist destinations, also where his school was, etc, and then he would visit his parents for a day or two while I stay in a resort and go to the spa or something. Our plan was that I would not even be in the same town as them during our visit to India. Now this wedding blabber puts a rench into the plan because that would require me to be face to face with them and all his barbaric relatives.... but I think you ladies are right, I absolutely should say no to this, and if we go to India, I should not be anywhere close to them, period.

    Don't even mention kids going to India.... I don't know what to do about that. Because I don't feel safe around my inlaws, I don't want to see them. Yet I don't want my dh taking my kids alone to see his parents, because I don't trust his parents one bit!! My mil is really not in her right mind... and I don't know what she would do to my kids to get back at me. Also, she has no parenting experience. When she got pregnant before marriage at 16 (which she is so proud to tell), servants raised her kids, until they were about 2, afterwhich they were sent away to military boarding school. Is it reasonable of me to never let my kids visit with them? Do you think they'd be safe with just my dh there to watch? I know this is a couple of years away, but it's something I do worry about.

    I'm so glad you ladies are here for me to bounce ideas off of. Yeah, especially after what they did with the Shobana incident... this is just looking too fishy to me... I'm going to say NO.
     
    asuitablegirl, Mar 1, 2010
    asuitablegirl, Mar 1, 2010
    #13
  4. Mar 1, 2010 #14
    kinjal

    kinjal Bronze IL'ite

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    ASG,
    if you are going to enjoy traditional wedding ceremony and you think its romantic then go for it.

    But if you think you will not be comfortable with your ILs around then save that money and use it for your vacation. ...JMO.
     
    kinjal, Mar 1, 2010
    kinjal, Mar 1, 2010
    #14
  5. Mar 1, 2010 #15
    Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    ASG, what did your instinct tell you when you first heard this idea? Usually that is the right one and stick to that :) If your first instincts told you this would be a staged circus, then please do not put yourself thru this.

    If they are paying for this, then ask them to pay you instead for a nice honeymoon in India as I do not see a point in wasting money on a hindu wedding ceremony 5 years after you have been married.
     
    Malavika81, Mar 1, 2010
    Malavika81, Mar 1, 2010
    #15
  6. Mar 2, 2010 #16
    asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Yes, that's exactly what I thought, followed by a feeling of dread in my stomach, followed by a thought bubble floating over my head in which I envisionied myself decked out in mandated Rajasthani clothes, eating dal bati all night, and probably getting clubbed over the head with a banyan stick by his thug-like mother.

    I do not forsee them paying for the ceremony. They are more like the type who say... YOU must buy this this and this, and YOU must pay for it. Not only will I be stuck wearing the outfits and accessories necessary to make me look like the Maharani of Jodhpur, I'd be the one paying for it too, I'm sure.

    They are very greedy. The already spent a huge amount of money for my dh's first wedding, and that was for a girl they WANTED. I highly doubt they would do that again, especially for me, somebody they hate with a passion.

    I don't want a honeymoon in India, especially not one funded by them. Believe me, I got to hear all about my dh's honeymoon suite with ex and their passionate love making attempts to try and get pregnant (all this lovely info courtesy of my mil). So... the whole flowers on the bed, fruit in the basket, milk by the bedside table... kind of makes me want to vomit. AND THEY KNOW IT. I think that's why they are so gleeful about this wedding ceremony thing... they KNOW how it makes me feel, and they know WHO and WHAT it reminds me of.

    Jeez, the more I talk about this the more it's becoming painfully evident that this is a bad, bad, bad idea.
     
    asuitablegirl, Mar 2, 2010
    asuitablegirl, Mar 2, 2010
    #16
  7. Mar 2, 2010 #17
    Sunny3

    Sunny3 New IL'ite

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    ASG, It seems highly impossible to me....to tell you honestly.
    Going all the way to India..... your first time after marriage, I assume and not seeing your inlaws is something thats not gonna happen. There will be something or the other your MIL will come up and you will have no excuse left then. Do you think a person like your MIL will stay put with you in the spa and only her son visiting them.


    That is why I said if they are up north, you go visit and take kids to show south....:rotfl


    Good luck!!
    Sunitha
     
    Sunny3, Mar 2, 2010
    Sunny3, Mar 2, 2010
    #17
  8. Mar 2, 2010 #18
    asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Sunny... how come it's not possible?? My dh has already told his parents that I hate them because they are crazy and I want nothing to do with them. So, my mil could come up with excuses, and all I have to do is tell my dh 'NO', right? Wouldn't that be enough?? He knows I don't want to see them, and that if he tries to force me I'd be on the first flight home. Also, he doesn't like them that much, and cares way more about my feelings than theirs. So... would he really go along with them and force me to do something I don't want to do? Also, my mil HATES me! Why would she want to drag me out of the spa to visit with her?

    What is your thoughts on all that?
     
    asuitablegirl, Mar 2, 2010
    asuitablegirl, Mar 2, 2010
    #18
  9. Mar 2, 2010 #19
    Sunny3

    Sunny3 New IL'ite

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    ASG, Listen, It is not that easy and simple as it looks. This is my guess, may be wrong but mostly what I have seen, from my experience.

    Usually in most of the cultures if the DIL goes to their house for the first time they have some kind of celebrations. Their house is in India. Though you are married and live with their son for past X no. of years but going to THEIR HOUSE literally, it is the first time.
    And your MIL is a person who craves lot of attention and gets hyper with all the celebrations and fun-fare...right? So, you guys visiting them for the first time after marriage can turn her that side on.
    She might come up with some kind of celebrations or parties. She might be seeing this as 2 birds in one shot.
    Being a extremely attention craving person she can satisfy her ego infront of her relatives with this huge party and show off as to how well she treats her DIL and at the same time ridicule you, mock you, hurt you to the core to satisfy her monstrous side since once you leave India she will not get this chance again.
    Seeing what happened from that facebook thing, you going to India in near
    future will be like putting your head in wolves den......think about it. Can you come back without getting hurt to the core and being mentally instable???
    I really can't see as to how you can escape or get away from not meeting them. In fact your dh can get all emotional and give in to his mom's wish of seeing you and request you to come along with him atleast for one time.

    HEY! I am not scaring you but seeing from your past posts about your devilish MIL, I conclude this.

    Things change once you have kids. It will be another 4-5 yrs from now and you and your dh will have come more closer emotionally, your MIL will grow older and you have kids as an excuse to go some other place even if it is in India. Usually, if it is just son and DIL then inlaws plan on so many celebrations and functions and parties......things that are uncomfortable to us.
    When kids come into the picture then we have all the excuse in the world to avoid such things that are not comfortable to us. I am not telling you not to go to India but make it later, few more years down the line. I think it is safe for you.
     
    Sunny3, Mar 2, 2010
    Sunny3, Mar 2, 2010
    #19
  10. Mar 2, 2010 #20
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    ASG,

    Hi, it's been a while, I have read most of your other posts and threads, and was glad to read the overall tone of the OP here, as it shows the old you is back.

    You mentioned if even one person feels I should go through it, speak up, I am willing to hear. Here goes: No, I am not saying start shopping for tickets. :p There was a sentence that caught my attention - "my DH will back me up". That got me thinking. Is he also as shocked or surprised at the idea? At it coming from your in-laws given their past behavior? If not, what he (deep down and honestly) wants might be worth considering. He will definitely back you. But, if such a ceremony means something to him, and if you feel it is something you'd like to do for him, and it'll make him happy enough to mean something to you, I would suggest not ruling it out so wholesomely. Should you by some chance decide to go ahead with it, you could do so with minimal drama and minimal direct interaction with MIL/FIL. Be almost like a guest at your own wedding ceremony, it has happened to many of us anyway. Also have them foot the bill. A temple marriage with only immediate family present as suggested by you would not be much different than the registered marriage you already had.

    So, there you go. If it might mean enough to your DH, think about it.. there is lot of time for 2011.

    -Rihana
     
    Last edited: Mar 2, 2010
    Rihana, Mar 2, 2010
    Rihana, Mar 2, 2010
    #20
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