Inlaws demanding a second wedding ceremony!

Hi ladies,

This isn't really a pressing issue, but one that has come up and I want to hear your views on it.... give me some possible alternatives.

To sum it up:

Me and my dh were married (love marriage) in a court marriage in the US in 2007. In total, we've been together for 5 years.

My dh was married before to another woman in an arranged marriage in 2003, seperated in 2004, divorced in 2005.

After our marriage, my mil/fil (and later my sil) made my life a living hell, abusing me to the hilt and CONSTANTLY comparing me to the ex. Ex was Rajasthani and my mil has a fetish for Rajasthani culture, people, clothes etc. She probably gets high looking at a map of Rajasthan. Also, their wedding was done in India in a "grand way". Basically I was told that ex's wedding was fit for royalty and my court wedding was stupid, my outfit was stupid, my jewellery was stupid, I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm not Rajasthani, etc etc etc. My dh has since jumped on his parents and blasted them so bad for the way they treated me. They did all their abuse while he was at work and I didn't let him know all that had happened until they left.... because I was SO scared of them. At the time, I was 19.... my family was against the marriage and so were his, and I just felt that I couldn't tell anyone what they were doing.

Fastforward to YESTERDAY....

My dh's cousin is getting married in India and the cousin's mother has proposed that we should get married the Hindu religious way when we come for their wedding in 2011. Now my mil is acting all sweet and nice to my dh telling him they'll have a "grand wedding" for me and him and that we HAVE to do it. But the reality is, I'm not sure I want that!! Already I've been compared to the ex enough for one lifetime.... why would I want to squeeze myself into an identical red gargara choli of ex's, do the identical steps and rituals, when all it will do is fuel my mil's fire to compare compare compare. Also, his whole family hates me, except for that one dh's cousin and her parents who are all in London (they don't know what went on with my mil). My family and friends would not be there for this second "wedding". My inlaws are only nice when my dh is around to supervise. The minute they know he is not around, they show their real selves. Basically, they are two faced monsters and dh knows it, and I HATE them.

I told dh what I just told you ladies.... that I was not interested to be compared and ridiculed again... that it was bad enough the first time, not really interested to do it again. I also told him though that if he was very keen on getting married the traditional way, when we go to India I'll get married to him in temple with just us there. My dh says he really loves me and thinks it would be romantic to renew our vows in a traditional marriage ceremony.

Tell me ladies.... should I put myself through the drama of doing the marriage ceremony (again) in the way my inlaws are telling us to? Is my alternative idea of private temple ceremony a good idea? Or should I just think about my inlaws idea and consider having the big ceremony? Personally, I don't want to give them any satisfaction in life after what they have done to me. And I'm really not interested in seeing their faces ever again, let alone getting married in front of them. Also, I'm kind of uncomfortable with the fact that this wedding will probably remind my dh of his first marriage. The irony of all this ceremony drama.... is that my inlaws HATE me and dh's relationship and want us divorced! So it's all just a big 'show', no heart behind it.

What do you ladies think of all this? Whatever I decide, my dh will back me up and enforce my decision with my inlaws. Help!

 

Hahaha, yep, it looks like it. She doesn't seem to understand that the "grand" wedding she so idolizes is OVER, and has been over for almost 7 years now. 2003 was like her glory year, and I think she's trying to relive it, even if it means having a sham wedding.

My dh is onboard with whatever I decide. See, he has always felt bad that when we got married we were so poor, that we couldn't afford to have a fancy wedding. And our special day was ruined by his parents, so he's always wanted for me and him to go to Las Vegas, or a beach, or a small temple in a beautiful place to renew our vows or something like that. Having his family with us was NOT part of his plan, and he hates the idea of his mom implementing another Rajasthani themed fiasco. I don't think he is too excited about his mom's idea... in fact when she told him on the phone, the way he said "Oh, that's nice" sounded like she had just told him she'll be yanking his front teeth out with pliers. He loves the idea of getting married to me again, just not with his parents there, and not in a Rajasthani themed Hindu ceremony. For pete's sake... he and his family are GUJARATHI! And even if we told his mom 'no rajasthani stuff'... what are the chances she'll actually listen to us?

You're absolutely right. It looks like this is a disaster waiting to happen.

Probably a good idea. Weddings just send my mil over the deep end and she starts hyperventilating talking about the best wedding ever thrown in the history of the universe.... between her God like son and Royal Rajasthani ex dil. She goes nuts just SEEING a wedding scene in a movie... even worse if the bride is wearing a RED GARGARA CHOLI.... it is like, she is the bull and that is the red cape.... it really becomes disgusting. She even says how heavy that red gargara choli was and she wonders how her son was able to REMOVE it from her in that posh honeymoon suite. *barf*

Ok, anyone else have any more comments or views on this issue? Interested to hear it!!

p.s. Just saw your recent edit Sunny... my dh is keen on this because he THINKS it'll make me happy. That is the only reason...

 

Wow, the responses seem to be unanimously 'NO!'

Glad to see I wasn't being a party pooper by not wanting this second ceremony.

Yeah, I totally know the court marriage here in US is valid. If I tell 'no' about this big Hindu ceremony in India, my dh will be totally fine with it... seems he is not to interested to do it either. He doesn't like a big pomp and show. I think he just feels bad that he couldn't give me a big wedding like he had the first time. But I've told him that wedding day means hardly anything to me... it's the marriage that counts. Actually he had never given me an engagement ring either like with the diamond in it, and I know someday he plans on getting me a real nice one when he can afford it, and it was his plan to give it to me during vow renewal or something like that on a beach or at a bed and breakfast here in US.... definitely NOT with his family around. So I think I'll tell him to stick with his original plan and that he can tell his parents to take their red gargara choli and frame it... because it's not going on me.

Foundlove, this is a BIG concern of mine. I do worry for my physical safety around them, especially if I were in India. And with the hustle bustle of wedding preperations, and because I'm not familiar with the area they're in, there's no telling what they might do to me. Yeah, my dh would go to cops and consulate and all that afterwards.... but if they were to kill me, what good would all the cops in the world do me if I'm already dead! They really scare me... I don't want to take any chances. This just seems too odd that all of a sudden they want to 'celebrate' our marriage. A little late don't you think???

Sunny, no, I don't think this second ceremony will make me happy. Perhaps dh thought it would, but I already told him why it wouldn't, and when he realized it's not what I wanted, he dropped it. I just don't see the point of dredging up the past and creating a copy cat ceremony of his first wedding to ex! Vacation sounds much better to me too. It's just that we were planning on going to India anyways for vacation (to see sights, not his parents) possibly in 2011, and that's why we even gave this plot any consideration. Else we were not interested to spend money on a trip to just see them and do this wedding shananigans crap.

See... they wanted him to come visit them in 2010... but I didn't want to see them, and dh wants a vacation were we BOTH are together, so dh said he won't be coming in 2010, case closed. So now I think they're trying to lure me over with the promise of a big wedding, just to get my dh back in India. But they don't seem to understand, I STILL REMEMBER what they did to me and I'm NOT interested to have anything to do with them!! My mil seriously needs mental help with this Rajasthani wedding fetish she's got going on.... it's crossed a point now. I mean, when is she going to let it go?? She just can't accept the fact that the weddings for her kids are over... and she can't accept the fact that after all her planning, she didn't end up with her Rajasthani dream dil. I hate to say this, but my mil has made me not even want to go to India anymore!!

Is there anyone reading this who thinks I SHOULD do the second ceremony!! Don't be afraid to speak up, I'm interested to hear EVERYONE's opinion! THANKS!