Inlaws Badmouth To Relatives

Goahead · Jan 3, 2022

My mil badmouth me in front of relatives who lives here in US . Of course she tells one side of the story and fails to mention how she taunts me all the time about my parents , my parents giving money to them and me sending money to her and sil

This aunt of my husband , keep sending messages to my husband now ans even makes calls to him abd never ask about me .. she now sends messages for new year etc all to him only
I’m really upset that they think it’s ok to talk to my husband by ignoring me totally as a part of the family. Also my husband on the other side , gets very emotional and thinks that the aunt is messaging him and doing all the good deeds by wishing him etx so she in his good books ans I become the bad person of the villain here
I’m just not sure how to handle this because I feel that first mil sil and aunt gang up against me and then they are making me a villain in front of my husband by proving that it’s me who is not nice to them ans they are all very caring ( by sending all the messages and calling him only )
If there is some fight , he clearly says these things to me that you must have done something that the aunt doesn’t talk to you
I mean seriously : I used to call her for bdays etx and have no interaction and still I’m the bad person..
how can I handle this ? they do this to other dills in the family as well by being very rude and ganging up against the dil to prove a point that they are all family and will stand for each other
In my case , I literally did nothing except stood up for myself and my parents 2-3 times only in 16 years
I feel very sad to be part of this culture and family

nayidulhan · Jan 3, 2022

Goahead,
This situation is a common feature in most households where there are several members of multiple generations. People mostly end up discussing someone who is not present there. There are various reasons behind this. The chief ones being insecurity, jealousy, sadistic pleasure in pulling someone down without giving them any opportunity at self defense, etc.

As a loving daughter and as an upright individual, you have tried to rectify whatever wrong was said/ done to/ about your family. That is understandable. Feeling hurt (when DH's relatives believe tales told to them about you and then their ignoring you) is completely normal. But if I may suggest this... could you try to focus on your "role" in all this? I mean you continue discharging all your duties willingly and wholeheartedly, without worrying what the other person is thinking or making out of this. Let the world say anything about you. You continue to do good deeds with good intentions. Slowly, steadily, surely, everyone will realize their folly. They will know your worth. They will learn to respect you. They will automatically use their brains when it comes to you.

This may be easier said than done but it is definitely doable.

People gossip, bad mouth me as well. I feel hurt. I then let myself cry/ sulk/ whatever I may deem right then but when I am done, I get up and get going. I am not completely there yet. (human after all ) There are times when I falter but I am trying and I am in a happy place now. I hope you find your happy place soon.

Dishaa · Jan 10, 2022

Dear Op,

First of all, why do you waste your precious time and energy thinking about what others are saying or thinking about you.

Matter for concern is ur hubby passing on their comments to u. I feel u should address that on priority.

Make ur hubby realize ur worth (if home maker do ur daily household work but spare time for ur hobbies or self attention) (if working do support him in finances but spend something for ur personality development or me time).

If hubby bothers to ask, then tell him u r fed up of proving urself to his side of relatives and specially u r hurted to know his view point about u after 16 yrs of marriage be bold enough to say the truth.

If hubby dont bother to ask please dont get dissappointed and continue with ur new onset about life, that way u will be at peace and maintain sanity in ur daily life.

Viswamitra · Jan 16, 2022

@Goahead

You have every right to defend your parents reputation when someone wilfully and intentionally bad mouth them. Your husband should know that. As far as your husband's family keeping in touch only with him and ignoring you completely, it is not a fair for anyone to divide the family. But many families do that intentionally to widen the gap between a couple. You should never allow that gap to be created. Since you can't work on third parties, all you can do is to work with your husband so that there are no gaps created. He lives with you and he should have a better understanding of you than listening to a third party who is telling about you.