inlaws and we live separately...husband sometimes feels guilty....

nimasri · May 20, 2011

My Husband and I always wanted to live in India and so recently we moved to India from US. Since he did not get a job immediately, so I stayed here with kids while he went back to US.
We rented a separate house from inlaws and later bought an apt.
Inlaws are in same city about 20mins distance from us.
This is a matter of sarcasm for SIL. Recently, she commented that we are too smart in our ways and we chose to live away from inlaws etc etc. I really got irritated but did not react. SIL and family used live with inlaws all together under one roof. Her FIL expired recently. She has lot of issues with her MIL and they had constant fights and finally she put her MIL in OAH. Now, her MIL is in OAH. SIL says that she suffered a lot with her inlaws at home and I did a smart thing by keeping them away in the first place itself. I told her I do not have issues with inlaws ie., her parents, and it is simply a matter of our choice to stay like this in different house. If needed I am always ready to go help them.

But, she does not stop there and recently when my husband was here she again said the same thing and both brother sister fought and now dont talk to each other. My BIL elder one, who is settled in US, also finds it strange why we live like this in different house from inlaws.

I told my husband if inlaws need help we can always bring them in and keep them with us but right now they can do their work independently and as long as they are fine we should live like this. My husband agrees but again feels sometimes what other people will think about us especially the way his sister and brother comment. When my SIL raised this topic with inlaws, my MIL clearely said we do not have any problems or fights in between us that kept us away, it was simply a matter of convenience and she also said if need be they will call us for help unhesitatingly. Even that from mil does not shut sil's mouth. My husband is fine with this but once in a while his sister's/borther's words start showing reactions in him and he says may be we should bring in my parents. I think he feels I am stopping them from coming in. They visit us and we visit them and all are fine but my husband thinks we are doing something less for inlaws.
But, even he knows the truth that even his parents dont prefer living together but all my dh is worried is what people will think all the more his siblings.
He even starts feeling guilty sometimes that he doing something less or not taking care of his parents especially when his elder brother who is settled in US says, I thought you returned to India and will take care of parents. One time when my husband told me what his brother said I said, then he should have come here and taken good care or take parents to US to look after them.
Tell your brother to stop this stupidity. Who is he to direct us on how to look after parents. Parents are happy the way they are living and we are fine too then who is your brother and sister to comment on this? Just ignore them and dont talk on this any further with them even if they raise the topic.
My husband says ok but again he seems to go back sometimes.

I now think I should stop explaining to him any further and let this continue and let time tell him that our decision was right. what do you say?

SriVidya75 · May 20, 2011

Yep you both are right!!! you guys are actually letting your inlaws live their life in their own convenience!!! if they had to live with you guys or vice versa..someone always had to watch out , whta each other eats/sleeps/or needs etc...

Now if they need somehlpe...you guys are just 2o mins away and can help any day/time...what matters here is..the thought of love and affection and being there when needed....it doesnt matter if someone lives thousands miles away...and gives great speech n lectures. what matters is whether you are there for the person who is in need.

comign to your SILs crappy talk..next time tell your husband that....agreed her MIL was not a good person..but how can you put a widow in a old age home when the same SIL is giving lectures about how someone has to live with their inlaws...TELLHER TO PRACTISE BEFORE SHE PREACHES.

Last but not least...every family has their values, principles and appraoch....yours and your husbands thoughts and approach matched and you guys are doing what suits you and whats comfortable for everyone!! period..thats what matters..now what some dog/elephant on the street thinks or talks...does it matter?? people will talk and preach no matter what you do....SO just console your husband and tell him that he is a GOOD SON. he is responsible kid to his parents...and he has nothing to worry or feel bad about.

Ritu28 · May 20, 2011

I wish I could do that Nimsari. We too are in similar situation but with a little twist. My inlaws insist on staying with us and interfere in our lives. In the past whenever they stayed with us we were on the verge of separating but still shamelessly they continue doing the same no matter what the situation is. And to add relatives are there to torture us mentally.

You have taken a good decision by staying apart from the in laws. It is always good to have good relations and harmony by keeping a little distance than have rough relations while staying together. There are very few in laws who consider staying apart and are on good terms with dil. I dont know about your relation with in laws but what so ever its a good decision...

maya69 · May 20, 2011

You and DH have taken a good decision by living near but separate. If in laws dont have problem then why worry now. You are there when needed anyway. Your Bil is not. your sil has put her mil on OAH. You have taken the middle path which is best.

I feel that our parents should be independent as long as possible...it keeps their mind active and body healthy to be self sufficient. As we raise your kids to become independent our parents will become dependent on us. Then we step in, not before.

When bil or sil bring up topic again, tell them that both you and in laws have agreed they will come and live with you when they feel old and no longer handle things on their own. Ask them if they want their parents be old and feeble already! Maybe to ease the mind of your bil/sil you can ask your in laws to spend some weekends staying over at your house. also take a lot of pics doing things together with inlaws and send it bil/sil. make them feel guilty that they are not there for any of it.