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Influence Of Friends And Their Accessories On My Kid

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous in Parenting' started by sanjuruby3, Aug 19, 2021.

  1. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    My daughter - say 'A'
    Kid #1 : My daughter's close friend, say name X has all the fancy accessories on earth.
    My daughter is copying her.
    So if he has some pink sparkly different sort of headband, next time we are in store, she sees that, she wants same. She has some fancy toy, same...Now she has pink riding toys, she wants same. If she has pink training wheels, she wants wheels too. She has helmet, she wants helmet too...

    In the beginning, we used to buy her same or whatever we want. She was little. But now i am getting irritated. On Some things i feel waste for spending money. And for some things, i just do not want her to copy even if it is reasonable. Like for some thing, i might have bought already some blue shade, can not return, but A saw pink color with X with some more fancy stuff on it, so she asks daddy for same. What do i do with one i already bought?
    "How do i train her or teach her these things?"
    My daughter has good bike. But she saw X with sparkly pink bike + other pink accessories on it, now she demands new pink bike. She does not even know ride or does not even want to learn.
    "Is she copying good manners or good eating habits, no?"

    When doing studies, i tell her this kid knows this, X keeps room clean etc, then she says - I do not need to be same, i am different person.

    Then lets say we are at home or somewhere where i am serving them. I am bringing 2 cups of water - pink and yellow. Before other kid X finishes her sentence 'i want pink cup', my kiddo just grabs pink cup from me, and sips from it because she wants it too.
    So she is very grabby/snatchy at home and with this close friend ( but in our home with me), Outside with other kids, she gets downplayed.

    Kid#2: Other friends - say Y is very strong personality.
    When they are playing, i ask my kiddo something, Y answers it. No we do not want to do this, we do not want to play here,...there, we do not want to play with this kid, ...there can be lies too, some other kid he is mean to us etc, she will try to send other kid back, so they can only play.. etc etc. My kid gets totally swooned over when she comes or she goes and does what she says like a teacher.
    However, when i ask if she wants to play with her, she says no strongly. She is getting intimidated and does not want to play with her at all. I asked her you can not. You need to learn to face it and tackle but no.
    Y sometimes tell her (A) - she does her on face, she does not like playing with her.. She does not want A to play with this kid etc. Then she kind of tease her with some craft stuff...
    So A feels too much and can not take it.
    Thing is Y is also a kid and does not know what not to say. She just speaks what's in her mind. Her mother also told us once that she does not see surroundings when saying something.
    Mom and I are close friends. She calls for play dates. Its hard to say no.
     
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  2. NOW

    NOW Silver IL'ite

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    How old are the kids in this situation? This is very common with kids who are having limited friends and play dates to mingle with due to pandemic. kids will out grow this when they are back at school and become old enough to defend themselves. It gets tricky if the same behavior continues with 7+ old year kids. It will become a problem if you and the other parent both are not on same page and there is no intervention from other parent about the dominating kid and how to manage it. In that case limit the play dates and have the kid play in group setting in play area instead of one to one play.
     
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  3. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    yes my kids and friends are 7+. Kid#2 - Y Dominating kid's mother asks for play dates and i ask my daughter. She gets aggressive and loud that she does not want to play with her.
    When she somehow comes on door ( like I say ,okay please send her, without listening to my kiddo) , She of course plays happily with her but again next time, will do same. And will tell me reasons.
    So yes she is getting dominated or kid of pressurized or do things she does not probably want to do.
    That kids mother did say that their kid Y is mature and loud and does not think and thus run into problems. But I never mentioned about issues my kid is having with her. I do not know how do deal with it, Should i avoid play dates ? They hardly play 1/week. And that too her mother asks, I have to say no....how?
    I ask them to play in our house for many reasons and my kiddo does not want to go anymore. So sometimes other kids come and many times not. but then kids do not go outside at all as they want to play tea set etc all girls stuff.
    Infact kid#2, Y kind of asks to play inside.
     
  4. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    1) "I do not need to be same, i am different person" if your kid can say this she can also understand 'we are your parents and we are different". If you don't want to buy everything, create a job and reward system. For example, tell her if she wants that( eg: toy/stuff), she have to earn it. Nothing is free. If she want special things, she has to earn it. So tell her if she keeps her room clean, or study well or do her home work (mention her what you want) she earn a certain point (say what that is, use a notebook to write it down). When all these add up, you will buy her that (toy/stuff you mentioned ). Be firm on this and don't change your mind. Also be true to your word and buy her the stuff once the points reach the limit you have agreed up on. This allowance system works well with my daughter. You have to show that your are her parent and not the other way around.
    Also, she misbehave, tell her she has to face the consequences (taking away her favorite thing for certain time., example screen time), do that. Don't compare your kids with any other kids or mention it. Encourage her positives and divert her negatives into good things.

    2) If your kid don't want to play with the other kid why to force her. Find some excuse. Arrange play date only when your kid is ready to play with other one. If she cant be happy what's the need?
     
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2021
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  5. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks @DDream.
    Sometimes we just need someone to hold the mirror for us.
    Many times, i kind of forcibly set the play date that anyways she gets excited when he friend come and starts play and follow her like a puppy.
    It is only after she is gone or later day or asking her for next time, she shows resentment...that she does this that....small small stuff. Also i want her to be able to deal with little dominant kids. She can not always run away for situations.
     
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  6. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi,
    When your daughter is clearly refusing to play with someone you should listen to her. By ignoring what she says and overruling her preferences you are teaching her that what she tells you doesn’t matter and her feelings don’t matter. Even you know that kid is bossy and a problem. Even you know your daughter is honestly and correctly explaining the problem then why aren’t you listening to her and refusing the play dates? This is not a good policy and it will backfire on you in the long run. After sometime your daughter will understand you won’t listen to her nor do anything so she will stop telling you things. As she grows older this will become a big problem for you.
    So you too are facing same issue isn’t it? You are an adult and still you are finding it’s so hard to say no then why are you blaming your daughter? If that Mom is really such a good friend she’ll understand when you refuse the play dates isn’t it? But as you rightly suspect she’s friendly with you only for the sake of play dates - that’s why she keeps telling you her daughter is bossy even when you never said anything.
    The first step to learning to face and tackle a problem is to say no clearly. But you are not letting her do that. Children slowly learn to face and tackle such things with support and encouragement by parents. Expecting a small girl to suddenly do it on her own is unrealistic.
    Look at the other mom. She’s supporting her kid - even though her kid is wrong she’s repeatedly excusing her behavior to you instead of correcting her kids mistake. She is wrong of course but even she is supporting her daughter.
    That Mom and her problem daughter will go away soon maybe a different period at school or different friends but your relationship with your daughter will be affected so think carefully and take a right step.
     
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  7. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    She said 'NO'. Thats the first step. But you are not giving any value to that. She is only 7+. A long way to go. I understand your thoughts, but give her sometime. She will learn it.
     
  8. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    You should not force your child and then be surprised that she doesn’t behave perfectly.
     
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