Indian Family System

CW,

you have raised a very interesting question here.. If a woman can leave her parents after marriage, then why can't a man do the same.. But it seems to have diverted to joint family vs nuclear family debate..

You have hit the crux of the problem.. It is all double standards.. Chavinistic male superiority in Indian soceity.. Till now i donot get the meaning of 'kanyadaan', a ritual in hindu marriages.. It sounds so stupid of that ritual.. A woman's parents too have put same amount of efforts in raising their daughter.. So she too has the same responsibility towards her parents.. Contrary to what men think that taking care of parents is only their responsibility..

Yes, it is true that where there are many adults with different perspectives, every one needs to compromise.. If one does not then the whole joint family system collaspses..

 

CW,

As far as taking care of older people is concerned, i think all they need is some financial support.. Financial support in some cases,. My in-laws are in their 50's.. At this age a person can do all the houseold work by themselves.. Infact as long as a person is not bedridden, they can do all the household work by themselves.. It'll be even better if there are fewer people at home.. If a retired couple - husband and wife stay together, they'll be hardly any work at home.. Groceries, utility expenses hardly come upto Rs 10,000/- for two people.. You can get servants at very low rates..
To sum up all that, if a couple stays separately after retirement, quality of life will be far better than living with son and DIL under the same roof..
I have literally seen in joint families, where 80+ years old lady is made to do all the household work, while all the younger members sit back and relax.. So joint family is no fool proof way to secure an individual during old age..

 

who says thats 'all' the older people need is 'some fin support'.
Irrespective of JF or NF, thats not all they need. Infact the emotional need is more important.

 

canwait,
I lived in a joint family with my grandparents(aged 97(grandpa living now) and 92(grandma expired)) and my grandma was a sweet spoken women.Never uttered a harsh word to my mom,always the first person to talk about peace when there is a family argument.My Dad and grandma were this graceful,dignified soulful people I adored.My mom was the less spoken at home.My grandma literally poisoned me and my sisters saying what all my mother did when she stepped into the house as a DIL .She says it in a way that doesn't look like a complaint but as troubles she endured and finally she would compliment my mom saying now she is a changed women.
As a little kid you can't know if people can be mean with sweet talk.
I disliked my mom when I grew up.My mom never knew.Now how much of an injustice is this?
My grandma also told who is more dear to my mom amongst our kids which
often caused a lot of rift while we grew up as sisters and brother.
My close friend lost her grandma she was very close to and when we shared our experiences about grandmas she was suprised to find her beloved grandma did the same to her mom.She saw her mom in a new light...and it was also unfortunte that I dug in the dirt of a lady who passed away...something I regret
Anyways I also read in this forum about how girls opinion about mothers changed after marriage and all this while I believed mine was an exception while Joint family system was a corrupt one in many families.(not all though)

My MIL is doing the same thing to my daughter and FIL.
Once I caught MIL rolling her eyes to FIL to convey that I have no respect for her and she is a meek creature at home and he instantly attacked me with harsh words about me and family with no interaction with him whatsoever .Can't forget ...its very painful when all I thought was about living as a one happy family.I never wanted to bring my past bitterness to my present but my MIL is a super refined version of silent killer and I see this in many families.

I wrote my story only because I want to know if joint family system will work for a situation like mine.

Canwait,Iam not stealing your thread but provided situations for your
general question to analyse deeper as I feel like a loser when I read all
the positive statements about joint family system and want to understand what I might be possibly going wrong with.


My plan is to stay closeby to inlaws and parents and treat them equally.I try my level best not to be partial with my parents.
But they both will stay in seperate houses nearby.I want my life to be simple sans drama and diplomacy at home.

 

janvi

Hope it's ok if I answer your question. Of course, the joint family set-up will not work in a situation like yours.

Like some of us have been saying right from the beginning, as long as everyone knows their place and knows enough to leave the other person alone, it will work. If not, only resentment and bitter feelings remain. As I said before, whether staying together is useful or not can only be decided on a case-by-case basis and not in a general sense.

As for some points raised by cw and riya about the guy being a package and the girl being alone, I again say this from personal experience. My maternal grandmother stays with one of her daughters and her family, in spite of having sons because that's where the youngest kids are and she likes it there. No one seems to have a problem with that as we all feel at this point in her life, it is her comfort that's important. So this too, like other things are based on individual ideas and upbringing. My own parents have only daughters and no sons, and both sons-in-law are on board with the idea that there might be a situation someday where they will need to share living space with our parents. That said, I think with relationships, nothing is constant or standard. It is all relative and dependent a lot upon circumstances and situations!

 

CW, I am for NF.
I dint start my marriage with any preconcieved notion of living with lot of people or alone.. all I wanted to make sure was that the fellow am getting married to is flexible and is ready to move out in case of good career opportunity. At the same time I was never ready for a business family setup where aunts, uncles and 2-3 generations live together.. As per my concept inlaws were my immediate family post marriage... Well I was wrong.
I once argued with a lady in apartment who mentioned that when are your guests leaving, and contested that inlaws are not guests but family & greatly proven wrong when the lady played dirtiest politics.

Post marriage I realised much better that the family I'm married to is really not possible to live as JF however since each child has to support his/her parents in old age, we'll have to live together or close by at some point or the other.

When there are too many people from inlaws side you need to keep making constant efforts to keep everyone happy unless you're a born mother teresa or a vamp who can transfer her worries off to others easily. People with practical approach themselves make arrangements for their son in an independent unit next to them or close by, those who want to crush they eliminate all such options.
The successful joint families that I've witnessed all have independent units of 1BHK sorts for each married person which open up into the same house or apartment.
These are my views. .not necessarily applicable to those in happy setups or those who have notions about a happy setup, I also had all such notions until I got married and tasted a few things first hand.

 

Different Family systems - Your opinion please

Hi all,

Followed by the very interesting discussion of Ms CW's thread on Indian Family system, I thought of sharing my experience with Sri Lankan family systems and how it makes sense compared to our traditions.

I am in Sri Lanka now - Just helping with our family business here

Arranged marriages are still very common in Sri Lanka. But no bride go and live at her ILs place in their culture, rather the new couple start a separate home immediately after their marriage or stay together with the bride's family till they afford go separately.

It is not like " Veetoda Maapillai" system in India... It is very different from that point of view.

While arranging a marriage, the basic discussion goes on where the couple will live... ? separately or with bride's family.
Here it is compulsary that every bride (bride's parents) should gift a house to their daughter as dowry... The size and outlook of the house depends on the economic status of the bride's family or the quality of the groom.

Eg:- Poor parents manage to build a kadjan house or share a portion of their house (say upper portion) with their daughter's family. The ownership of that portion will be given to the couple immediately.
Others will buy a new land or build the house in their family land in their city (close to the parents home for easy access).

Unlike in India, the dowry is given to the daughter and not to the groom's family. The dowry is given as a security to the bride.

The idea is... Women are considered to be vulnerable than men, and those days most of the women stayed at home (house wives), so the parents wanted to ensure their daughters' financial stability by giving such dowries.

Practically speacking, a groom is a groom... No matter how rich he is, no matter how handsome he is.. and no matter how small his salary is. He will be treated like a God by the parents of the bride always. Reason being, the parents think that their daughter's life is in the hands of this person (groom), hence they give maximum respect to him. No one expect him to adjust, rather the entire family would adjust their schedule as per their new SNIL. That's the reality.

It doesn't make any difference if he stayed at his IL's town. Because he is on his own, living with his wife and kids in his own home (given as dowry to his wife) and the family is going to run with his income only. So he doesn't need to worry about anything.

But the case is very different if a DIL goes to her IL's home. No one will treat her like a God, and its very rare to see that ILs treat their DIL with pride and respect. She will be expected to change immediately and adjust with her ILs family customs, else her life will be in danger.

The second interesting point is....
The parents will be taken care by the daughters at their older age and not by the sons. It is a proven truth that daughters can provide more emotional support to their elderly parents than their sons (provided their natural emotional bonding and motherhood nature, more freetime, etc).

Men can provide financial support, transport and other outer facilities to their elderly parents, but when it comes to physical helps and services they expect their wives to support their parents.
A daughter can do all types of servises to her parents than a DIL without any complaints, and every parent loves to get helps and physical servises from their own kids than their spouses.

So daughters stay close to parents makes lots of sense here... And parents too prefer to give any amount of dowry (home/land etc..) to keep their daughter close to their area.

On the other hand, a man will be taken care by his wife like a mom, nurse and a care taker... Women can play all sorts of roles here and that's a proven truth.
But when a woman is extremly sick (during pregnancy, delivary, or other sickness) or in need desperate help to raise their babies, she cannot expect her DH to be much helpful.. reason he is busy or not experienced.. and no need to talk about her ILs.

But it is very helpful that she lives close to her parents and they are always ready to help with... It is just the matter of mom and daughter.

So, I prefer this type of family system... What say you guys

 

Re: Different Family systems - Your opinion please

Thats a wonderful post Tugga. Indian culture is different from Srilankan.
Howz ur morning sickness dear??
How come you are again in Sudan???Resumed work or just accompanied your DH?

 

PearTree is owning this thread Good points, PT :thumbsup