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India visit issue, please suggest??

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Nithya001, Mar 10, 2010.

  1. Nithya001

    Nithya001 Bronze IL'ite

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    I am visiting India after a long time in 2 months time. I am going ahead of my hubby's visit so I can stay with my parents for 2 months. Hubby will visit for 20 days and that time we will spend at his place together.

    The problem is my hubby thinks that I should pay MIL a visit in those 2 months I will be with my parents. But I do not want to visit his place without him. The reasons are my SIL stays with her kids at MIL's house, and going there is like staying at SIL's house. MIL also has a habit of lying to hubby about me, like telling him things which I never said! I don't mind if my hubby is with me because then everything is transparent, but if I go alone I know both of them(MIL SIL) will make up issues to tell to hubby.

    Is it wrong if I stay in India for 2 months with my parents and not visit MIL(she lives in different city) in that time, instead stay with her when hubby comes to India? And especially when I don't want to stay with them alone.

    My hubby wants to send some stuff for his Mom, sis and her kids with me, if I carry that stuff with me I will have to go to his Mom's place to give the stuff. Shall I tell hubby to bring that stuff himself?

    Please suggest.
     
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  2. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Nithya,

    Do your inlaws live close enough that you could make it a day trip? Like, spend the day there and then go back to your parents house. Or if you have to stay overnight, couldn't you make it for just like, one weekend? What could they possibly find to complain about in two days? :)

    What you want to do is really up to you. But if you are even a little bit open to visiting them, you could explain to your dh why you are hesitant to visit his parents house (i.e. that there is always drama from their side afterwards) and see if he will offer some type of gaurantee (i.e. like no matter what they complain about you afterwards, he won't give it any importance or hash it up with you). I think only if he comes to an understanding on this should you consider going to his parents house. If he is looking for a fight based on what his family has said about you, then tell him to drop the gifts off when he joins you in India. But if he agrees to let their nonsense go in one ear and out the other... then maybe there is no harm in your dropping the gifts for him. Just my opinion.
     
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2010
  3. goodfreind

    goodfreind Senior IL'ite

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    I would say just go and vidit for one day with your parenst and give the stuff and back t your home

    Once your DH comes then you go ti your MIL's home
     
  4. rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

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    U are being really unfair I feel.

    You cant even stay for 2 days ? Just tell your dh that if your MIL or SIL tell anything damaging in those 2 days, then u will not visit them again. But why dont your just zip your lip and keep all conversations to yes, no or OK.

    Just drop their gifts, stay for 2 days and be back. If you think even this much is impossible, then I am a little shocked.
     
  5. Anuradha00

    Anuradha00 Bronze IL'ite

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    Stay for 2 to 3 days but as rosegirl says warn your husband that you will not stay if they badmouth you in these few days to him.
     
  6. Nithya001

    Nithya001 Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks friends for your suggestions.
    The reason I put up this query here was the same as you all are guessing. I too felt that if in my two months stay I do not visit MILs home, I might be prosecuted for being selfish by hubby too. But honestly I am really scared to visit them without my hubby alongside. Although he is not someone who supports me all the time, but in his presence my IL's cannot charge me of false issues. Apart from that MIL has legally made SIL and her hubby the owners of that house, so its not really visiting DH's home, but SIL's!! I really have nothing to do there, not even cooking as I have been told in my previous visit that I should stay there as a guest and do only what I am told. Except for dropping the gifts even they don't want me there.

    Here I want to be clear that I will be staying with them for all 20 days when my hubby visits India after I have stayed at my parents for 2 months. I am going ahead of him with the sole purpose so that I can spend time with my parents too.

    The problem is they live in another town, which is an overnight train journey from my parents place. If I visit them and stay only 2 days that will also be seen as attitude problem.

    I thought I will tell DH that I am going to spend all 20 days with his family when he comes but before that would like to stay with my parents only. Because that is the purpose with which I am going for such a long time.
    Also My DH has not much interest in visiting my family and he will most probably not come to see my parents at all, I don't care much about that. So once he is in India, I will not be able to meet my parents again.

    I am not concerned what my IL's think of me, its just that I don't want hubby thinking that I am unfair. I was hoping the arrangement I am considering would seem fair to my hubby.
     
  7. kma

    kma Gold IL'ite

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    To avoid future problems, better to visit them soon after you land for 1 or 2 days. Because staying for 2 months in your parents house and not visiting them even once will not look good. Go along with your parents and return with them.
     
  8. divs

    divs New IL'ite

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    That's sad. I think you can just call and talk to them as soon as you land in India and then politely tell them you would visit and stay with them when your husband gets to India. In my opinion, you should do what makes you comfortable. If you aren't confident staying with them alone, don't do it. Its not worth subjecting yourself to all that stress. Do what you want to do, don't worry much. Enjoy your trip :)
     
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2010
  9. shrutidunwoody

    shrutidunwoody Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Nithya

    From your point of view, i totally understand your fear and issues staying with inlaws. But just for the formality sake ,visit them for 2 days because if you dont go , later when your husband comes, they may try to brainwash him that you didnt go to visit them in those 2 months. And who knows at that point your husband may support them and those 20 days you will have to bear their taunts.

    So better be on a safer side.But tell your husband in advance that if they say anything wrong against you, he has to stand by you.

    Believe me 2 or 3 days will just pass away but you will feel happy when those 2 days will fly away and those 2 months of being with your parents will be awaiting for you. And then you can stay in peace with your parents without anyone telling you anything.
     
  10. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Nithya I dont see any issue in how you want to plan your vacation.
    Leave this formality without any guilt... if items he's sneding are perishable then courier it.. else wait for him to come down to join them.

    My DH shall never visit my parents and even if he does its no more than 1-2 days including travel days.. hence no point in showing courtsey to people when it wont be appreciated in any case. My MIL shall prefer to take any gifts from her own son than me.. .cos whatever I choose to do she has to remain unhappy.

    Tell your DH before leaving that u'll try to visit them.. but again its no promise & you'll take a call once you reach India.. no direct yes or no. If after reaching you talk to inlaws and they ask you to comeover then decide at that point if you really want to go there or no.
     

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