India Trip to attend Sister's wedding --- Suggestions wanted to say 'no' to in-laws

Re: India Trip---Help wanted

Dear Latha,

Thanks for the appreciative comment...You are right. We get caught in the web of expectations and life gets more complex (if it wasn't enough already).

love,
Aarushi

 

Re: India Trip---Help wanted

Hi,
It was interesting going through all the suggestions. Isn't it strange that the majority of us have the same problem- convincing our in laws that by marrying their son, we have not renounced our relationship with our parents and siblings.Unfortunately, in most cases these sets of rules. do not apply to their daughters.
You seem to have hardly any free time with the plans that you have made. Even if your in laws insist on your staying at Kakinada, please politely and firmly tel them that at this point of time it will not be possible as your sister's marriage is what you have come for. After the marriage is over, you can make a day's trip if time permits or tell them that you will spend more time with them next time.Your husband should support you in this.
Just a point for all of us- when our sons get married, please don't forget what we went through. Our daughter(s) in law have parents and siblings of their own- respect their time and don't make overreaching demands on them. Just as the Hindi saying goes" saas bhi kabhi bahu thi!!!"
Satisfying their demands will not be possible as the demands will be never ending, once you give in. I am not advocating rebellion or rudeness- just follow the values that our parents taught us. Treat them like your own parents- if they need you, be the first to be there.
Good wishes to your sister and hope you don't have sleepless nights planning your trip.

 

Re: India Trip---Help wanted

hai priya,

Dont worry....U can tell your husband to explain yr in-laws and make them understand that u r visiting india for few days and u r especially coming for your sister's wedding....o.k. dont break yr head for these small things...

cheers....

bye

rkalpana

 

Re: India Trip---Help wanted

I so agree with krn.
All the best for your first test of married life.

 

Re: India Trip---Help wanted

For those of you who are new, IL already had a discussion long back about the same issue.

It's sad that we need to wear masks of pretension. Lucky husbands. They just never get into such dilemmas.Good news is we have company, a whole bunch of other DILs.Many do not rave about it. It's in those four walls. We cannot change the society we are born in. So let's think, what next !

Whatever we do will be for the husband we love. And as far as in-laws are concerned let us show some love, even if they do not reciprocate it, that's fine. Rise above everything. ( Remember Munna bhai MBBS ? Throw flowers when they throw stones). Mix this idea with some creative solutions and shed the timidity and hesitation about what'll people think.


I have a trip planned this year. My parents are in Delhi and In Laws in Chennai. Two extremes in the map.
My parents have agreed to come to chennai and receive us, the priority being landing together ( my husband and me, they will want to see us together). I ll see their faces and they ll stay with me for a day at in-laws place. I feel the initial thirst to meet parents will be quenched.

After that, I ll keep myself busy shopping in chennai and meeting my friends and other relatives for 3 - 4 days. One of the days I ll also cook for my in-laws ( or go somewhere with them). And after this I ll fly to delhi where my parents would be. I ll buy gifts for mom-in-law from there and send. After this if they have to whine, it's out of my control. I ll carry no guilt for this, i have given it my best. I have not changed my last name and marriage is a series of negotiations. I give in some cases and they have to give in other ones.

The differences will get ironed out once they know what they can expect from me. The last regret in our lives should be that we didn't live life by our terms.

In your case, I feel you need to be guilt free. Give in what you can and let god take care of the rest. One cannot satisfy the insatiable. Form your side also think, if you had a brother and his wife left right away to her parents place on day 1, u might feel 'she cud have stayed at our place, is that how much she is attached to us ? Is that how much she loves us ? '..So do justice to both in-laws and your own self...Both are important dear...In-laws are important, because you want to have him happy and your relationship healthy (assuming the worst case where you just dont want to go).

Love is okay, control is not. You teach people to treat you. Be bold, stand up for yourself and show strength of character. We belong to parents as much as we belong to in-laws, or even more.

Write once you are back from the trip HAve major gala time at your sister's wedding. Do not miss anything.

 

Re: India Trip---Help wanted

Good job, Priya!
We are proud of you for standing up for yourself and setting the right precedence.
Now enjoy that trip and the wedding!

Malathi

 

Re: India Trip---Help wanted

Hi Priya,

as others have suggested try making u'r inlaws stay with you in your parents place if you feel comfortable with that. Otherwise visit them for few days before or after marriage and that would close out the issues.

Now I have a question to Jasminerule. You are saying that we should visit ILs first before we go to our parents place to get ILs respect. But will it be the same for our husbands to visit our parents if they are going without us to gain their ILs respect? Is it a rule for girls only to follow this? I don't say that we shouldn't be visiting ILs, but it should be dependent on situation. Like for Priya now her sister's marriage is the main occasion she's visiting for and she can visit her ILs when time permits. But it's been made a rule that girls should be visiting ILs in the first place. hell of our tradition in these cases. Think if the guy is visiting India for his brother or sisters marriage without his wife. Will he ever think of visiting his inlaws?? For sure 90% of the guys would say anyways I'm gonna meet them in the marriage right....will any ILites disagree with this??

Malar