Incident I Had With My Maid

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by AditiShining, Jul 11, 2022.

  1. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    @Viswamitra probably the husband in this scenario just wants no conflict and peace at any cost. This is what most of the husbands are like. Now don’t say ‘What do you mean? I’m not like that!’ Yes we know you are 1 in a million and aunty is very lucky lady but not everyone is like you :)

    As for regressive practices - we are seeing a huge mandate for regressive practices and governments all over the world. It is no longer true as it used to be in my youth that forward movement of time constitutes progress and modernization. Look at plight of Iraqi women pee and post invasion, afghan women pre and post Taliban. Look at India and look at post Roe America. Slowly these forgotten barbaric practices are creeping out of backrooms and brazenly walking in the streets.
     
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2022
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  2. sociallifein30s

    sociallifein30s Silver IL'ite

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    ha ha .. I had a room mate back in my usa days who did something similar. She moved in with an Indian family after vacating our house. My parents were visiting me, so I moved to a ground floor 2 b 2 bath. Her work got extended unexpectedly, so she stayed with an indian family. Now she always had beers stocked. Our ritual was ordering pizza and she eats it with a beer and i eat with hot ginger tea.
    She was scared to take those beers to the Indian family, so she left them in my new apartment fridge. I forgot about them altogether. In a matter of 2-3 days, my parents arrived. The first thing my mom saw was the beers. Not the furniture, not the milk, not the tea powder, not the house. the beers. She knew I was a teetotaller, so she asked "huhhh stocking up beers now? for whom?" Not a MIL, so this is a funny story for years.
    But the fear is not just of a MIL. My "unmarried Indian friend" was moving with an Indian family, so she was scared to stock the beers too. We are all scared of judgements i guess.
     
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  3. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

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    We haven't heard from @AditiShining - I hope she is ok. Hopefully her MIL did not throw her out into the streets.

    Hope her paycheck goes t direct deposit to her account, not her H or MIL
     
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  4. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    lol.
     
  5. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    While that may be true often, it doesnt make the husband less guilty of being a facilitator.

     
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  6. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Let us pray for the well-being of @AditiShining. Hopefully, someday better sense will prevail at her home where self-respect is given a chance. I know all of our intentions are for her to be free and have a happy life. We all have that common thread in all that we said here. Now, only she is in the place of action and should decide what she really needs. All of us are in a position to provide only advice to her. Unless she intents to establish what makes her feel at home (meaning as comfortable as her parents home) in terms of her privileges, none of us can do anything. None of us are asking her to be disrespectful to her MIL. Establishing self-respect is not opposite of respecting MIL. There are many DILs who are respectful to their in-laws yet treated much better.

    Regarding peace at home, how can the husband be peaceful when his wife constantly feels her self-respect is crushed? I agree the husband will be miserable, if DIL is disrespectful to his parents. If the man in the house uses the strategy of convincing one who is vulnerable, is he really establishing peace inside? Will his conscience remain calm?
     
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2022
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  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    I see that happening here in Indus ladies too. This place was far more progressive a in 2013.
    Are we trying to pass of obvious domestic abuse as husbands keeping quiet to avoid conflict.

    How many husband's we know of this generation who expect the wife to sit on the floor 'as respect', expect his working wife to eat after everyone had finished eating or even press his mother's feet everyday ?

    This is being passed of as ' her upbringing 'and his avoidance of conflict instead of calling it domestic abuse. Abuse doesn't always have to be physical.

    If she is confused,then it makes sense to point out that what is happening at her home is not normal and is abuse....instead of telling her that she should do whatever she needs to do to keep peace at home ( previous threads) or make excuses for the disgusting behaviour of her husband .
     
  8. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    What's with india? What regressive practices have creeped back in?
     
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  9. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Not quoting any post this time. The below are only my thoughts on a bunch of points that have come up in this thread.

    1. Any practice that is regressive deserves to be called out. That is how awareness, discussion and hopefully change will happen.

    2. Any one can call out any practice. One does not have to be free of all regressive practices to call out any regressive practice. We are all works in progress, so we do not have to be perfect before or when calling out any practice.

    3. I am not justifying any of these practices in any way. Women or a certain category of women being treated as second class citizens in home or society is wrong. There is no discussion around that.

    4. So, calling out regressive practices is not taboo, in IL or in real life. The calling out should not be suppressed. If a woman doesn't realize she is the subject of such practices, it is good to educate her about them, provide her support, knowledge, courage and agency to fight, conquer or be free of those practices.

    5. My misgivings about the calling out are based on the regressive practices that I and my neighbors, friends currently follow while we happen to be the most empowered, affluent and educated and living in the USA.

    6. Examples of my voluntary participation in regressive practices:
    - Attending Varalakshmi Pooja in my neighborhood (Why this is regressive: Single Women Prohibited From Attending Some Indian Rituals)
    - The standby sumangali - An acquaintance's 11 yr old attained puberty unexpectedly early. For the associated ceremony 5 or 7 sumangalis were needed to bless the girl. The mom had 5 lined up. I was a standby. Meaning if only 4 turned up, I would be the 5th. If by chance there were 6, I would make it 7. The protocol is that the girl is first given a special blessing by 5 or 7 sumangalis, and next a general blessing by all the ladies present including the widow/divorcee etc categories. I didn't see anything very wrong with this until my husband and daughter chewed me out over my description. They said an odd number of women blessing the girl has a quaint and acceptable reason. The different treatment of widow/divorcee was abhorrent.
    - I help my friend to practice "caste-system" in her kitchen when her mother/MIL visit.
    - I tolerate more nonsense from guests such as arriving hours late for dinner if they are the in-laws of my nieces as I am the "girls side".

    There are many more examples I am too embarrassed to list here.

    7. My question for myself is:
    If I voluntarily practice the above and other regressive practices myself, how much right do I have to call out if a woman sits on the floor or presses her SIL's, MIL's feet?

    8. My answer to #7 is:
    I will happily call out the archaic practice of pressing MIL's feet. I merrily trolled OP in my first response. Would I do the same to women celebrating Varalakshmi Pooja or anything to do with sumangalis? No. Not here in IL and not in real life.
     
    Last edited: Aug 3, 2022
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  10. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    True. At least of me. :) I have mellowed down since 2013. Maybe it’s advancing age or having seen more of different kinds of people that make up the world I don’t know. Literally yaar, if the wife and husband are cool with whatever unique dysfunction they have come up with, who am I to impose my ideas on them?
    No here you are mistaken. I am not trying to excuse anything or anyone. Far from it. Definitely the husband and the mother in law are both out of line in this case per my view. But what’s the point of my thinking that or saying that? Is it going to change anything?

    My being strident and bashing her husband or mil is just going to drive OP away. I guess what I’ve realized over the years is the true change has to come from within, from within OP in this case. My writing an essay here or bashing her or her husband is not going to change anything. Mentally I feel OP has not reached that stage yet. She’s just confused and questioning.

    She has to realize for herself this isn’t right. Max I can do is nudge her in the direction of thinking for herself and seeing the disconnect. She’s doing everything what she’s been told to do all her life as in do this this this and you’ll get the ultimate happy married life. Yet strangely she’s not happy. Inspite if it all, she’s still treated with suspicion and yelled at and threatened. She has to follow that thread of thought and come to the logical conclusion. That they are browbeating her and forcing her to give up so many things she need not give up in the name of tradition but actually it’s for their own convenience. It’s up to her. It’s all in her hands. She has to realize she has the power - to decide enough, to say no -the power to try to create change.
    She’s the one asking for help here. All we - you and I - can do is gently nudge her in that direction without turning her off completely. At least now she comes here to voice her doubts and confusions and receive some validation that no what she’s experiencing is not normal. If we attack or or bash or humiliate her it will turn her off and be totally counterproductive in my opinion.
     
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2022

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