Incident I Had With My Maid

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by AditiShining, Jul 11, 2022.

  1. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    @AditiShining
    I don’t think you need to come clean or confess your dress preferences. You didn’t do anything wrong. All this unnecessary confession will raise more suspicion in your MIL’s mind who already seems quite insecure inspite of your efforts.
    Re: maid. Minimize personal talk or discussion about what you wear in future. It’s none of her business. But, if she comments on your dress never accept you wore the shorts or tee because you preferred it or that it has anything to do with MIL’s absence. Make some excuse ‘ oh my knee was paining so I wore shorts to rub the balm’. ‘Or the salwar needed ironing or mending so I wore this’ instead. Never accept that yeah you wore this because this is what you really prefer.
    That was short term issues.
    I think your question is more to do with long term though. I agree you can’t continue indefinitely like this. One way is study your MIL closely and get an idea of the source of her insecurity. After all that’s what is driving all this. Once you get a good idea of what is her core concern start to chip away at the periphery. Like having to stand when she sits you can softly state that your regard for her will not diminish just because you sit down next to her. I think you have to softly start stating small things you prefer to your h and her and try to make them understand that it’s okay for you to do some of these things. Try to be logical and ask ‘how does my sitting down get connected to my concern or regard for mil?’ Draw parallels to emphasize the absurdity. Hopefully they will understand.

    They seem to think they have done you a big favor by marrying you with all rules for you. Why is that? That mindset needs to change. Were you aware the family was this traditional before marriage? Slowly your h and mil need to understand that you are also doing them a favor by following their rules till now and that you also have some desires and preferences.

    Biggest lesson for you I think is never suggest anything to your mil on the spur of the moment or just to be nice. It will become a lifelong obligation - like pressing her feet.
    Btw, what do your parents feel about your in-laws attitude? Are they aware of all the rules? Are they ok with it?
     
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2022
  2. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    What you have done when your MIL was absent isn't wrong. But what you have conveyed to your maid is wrong according to my view.
    inconsistency in the behavior when someone is watching vs not watching is not equivalent to respect, but it is more of fear.
    You are obeying your MIL out of fear. Fear of having marital issues, since your H has already ordered you to follow his mom no matter what.
    You seem to be so insecure, and not being able to convince your H or MIL of what you want in this marriage. Instead, you bury everything inside, and live for the sake of protecting your marriage. This is not acceptance, but circumstance.

    Your maid sees this, and questions this. She can also convey the same to your MIL, and perhaps differently than what she actually saw. This is tricky.

    If I were you, I would try to strike a fine balance, and make sure my H & in laws accept me as who I am, rather than enforcing me to someone else as per their taste. This isn't doing any good to you or them
     
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  3. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    This is what I said.

    This is how it is interpreted.

    IL has provided an option to quote someone's words for a reason. When the words are quoted, there is no chance for distortion. It is okay to disagree with a view but it is important to provide it in quote so that the person who wrote those words will not miss the response.
     
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2022
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  4. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    I dont think you have committed any crime to confess. In my opinion, no need to mention it. You can do whatever/ wear whatever in your bed room. May be you should start doing it. MIL has no right to comment on what you wear in personal space. As long as you are wearing decent ( according to them) clothes, it should not affect them when you are with them.

    Also, no need to explain yourself to maid either. But, as you have invited friends to that house, I think your dh and MIL can be informed about it.

    I feel that you are changing who you are to please others. But in the long run it can become suffocative. Whats wrong in sitting on the sofa. You are not their slave to sit on the floor. You are their family member. So start from there. Start sitting on the sofa. Dont look at her for affirmation. But if she asks you can explain that it wont change who you are or your approach towards her or find some other excuses.

    Respecting family tradition or others wishes is one thing, but sacrificing every thing or changing who you are will create lot of conflict in your mind and can lead to resentment. Whats is wrong in using a hair style you prefer when you are at work or outside. It can be an issue during cooking. So I dont understand why its so important to your MIL. I think your MIL is controlling you much.
    You should take away that power from her by slowly doing what you like. I have seen posts here where MILs control every thing related to grand children, their upbringing etc
    You need slowly take steps to convince her that your respect / love etc wont change, but she should not cross your personal boundary else it may lead to lot of resentments in future. Every one needs personal space, you need to define and create it for you without hurting others. For that you need to observe, understand and communicate in a loving and assertive way.
     
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2022
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  5. AditiShining

    AditiShining Bronze IL'ite

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    I think my maid started seeing me as her equal as I have sat on the floor in front of her a few times and taught her to massage legs of MIL by massaging MIL's one leg myself with her. When she saw me partying and wearing shorts she got surprised.

    Today I acted distanced with her. I was friendly to her before. Today I just said " Come, massage my legs" Usually I ask her more nicely. It's in her duty to massage legs of my MIL for 25-30 minutes. When she skips 3-4 times in a month I don't cut her pay.

    My MIL doesn't talk with my maid.
     
  6. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga IL Hall of Fame

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    Does your husband also sit on the floor in his mother's presence?
     
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  7. AditiShining

    AditiShining Bronze IL'ite

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    Ma'am you have given very detailed advice on how to flatter a strict MIL. Did you ever have a strict MIL too?

    But I can't tell her that. She will make me throw my shorts. And I would have to literally rub my nose on her feet to get a chance of forgiveness
     
  8. AditiShining

    AditiShining Bronze IL'ite

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    Sometimes he does, sometimes doesn't
     
  9. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga IL Hall of Fame

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    I am not familiar with the culture or traditions in this part of India. It seems it is better to be sold into slavery than to be a daughter-in-law of this family - at least when you are sold you know you are a slave.

    In your case your parents probably gave a hefty dowry for you to have the experience of being treated like a slave. Plus you probably hand your paycheck to your MIL.
     
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  10. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I thought SGBV was disagreeing not with your view but with the OP's statement that she respects her MIL.

    SGBV is saying that inconsistency in behavior when the person is present versus not present is a sign of fear, not respect to that person.
     
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